flying by

the difference

2011-05-16T14:30:00.001+08:00

In dreams, the stuff could change to meet our needs and wants. In reality, it’s our expectations and desires that have to be adjusted to meet the hard truths, even to the extent of creating illusions to blind us from the harsh reality. No, it’s not escaping. It’s basic survival instinct.

the course of life

2011-03-28T16:17:00.001+08:00

There comes a time, I suppose, when you see the people around you, the people you called your friends or acquaintances, entering into relationships, and you found yourself not really surprised anymore. Instead, you acknowledge the couple and congratulate them. And I think for me, that time has long passed. I guess maybe it’s because for a considerable part of my life, I grew up having slightly older friends and I guess gradually I have come to learn that boy-girlfriend relationships and marriages and perhaps even divorces are inevitable phases of life.

With Facebook, we learn about the ‘relationship statuses’ of the people around us even more quickly, perhaps even instantly, which I’m pretty happy about since I can stay updated without taking a more proactive role of trying to stay updated. At least there isn’t the chance of meeting a couple and say ‘hey I didn’t know u guys are together’, only to get a reply, ‘erm… that’s an eternity ago’. There is a lower possibility of calling a friend’s partner by his or her ex’s name. low possibility cos shit happens.

It’s the speed of how lives progress that I must get used too. Pretty soon, it’ll be weddings I’m attending, housewarming parties I’m invited to and baby showers I’m going, though that really depends on how much effort I’m willing to spend in making my social life an existence, as well as how tolerable my people skill actually is.

There’s always a certain fantasy associated with thinking that far ahead. But life from beginning to end generally is about the same. Live, reproduce and die. That’s destiny, although some may skip the second phase. Without a doubt, I’ll get to that point in time, and start to wonder why everything seems to be a déjà vu.
v

Libya

2011-03-26T12:19:00.000+08:00

The past decade have seen a suddenly spike of violence and political changes. Perhaps the greatest irony, one that no one expects, is that years of resentment in the Middle East towards U.S. for the invasion of Iraq and Afghanistan has turned to what seemed to be now a hopeful glance at America for leadership and support.

Indeed, astonishingly, the past few months have seen the uprising of the people after torrid years of corruption under tyrants and irresponsible leaders. What never fail to amaze me is that the desperate desire for democracy spike after a man (Mohamed Bouazizi) lit himself on fire to express his hopelessness with oppression in Tunisia. Eqypt followed after, and thankfully, the leader resigned gracefully. In Libya, it was different too. Col Qaddafi refuses to budge, and wages war on his people. NATO, UN, and the United Arab Emirates, shocked by the use of violence sanction a no-flight zone in the country yesterday, which was received with gratefulness by the rebels. The bombing of yet another Middle Eastern country by America planes have begun. Paradoxically, it is one approved by many countries and even the UN Security Council, but and yet it is one that U.S. is reluctant to enter and eager to get out.

This is no surprise either. This year marks the anniversary of a ten-year occupation Afghanistan and seriously, no can foresee when U.S. can get out of that shithole. That, as well as the military presence on Iraq soil has added shamelessly to the tremendous deficit that U.S. has found no answer to. I suppose today’s wars is different from the wars fought 500 years ago. Then, the losers become slaves. The winners do whatever they like. Today, the winners, no doubt for humanitarian reasons, end up protecting the losers from their own fanatics. War is costly. U.S. learnt that the hard

the new entertainment

2011-02-11T21:00:00.000+08:00

2009 marks the advent of social media sites and by 2011, today, their popularity has increased tremendously. Facebook and Twitter are probably 2 of the most visited websites today, and it’s always amazing how some people actually update the details by the hour.

Is self-disclosure the new entertainment?

I find it extraordinary how the desire for privacy seems to have waned over the last couple of years. In Facebook, it’s almost fascinating how much information we can find about our friends. Almost gone are the days, at least for people my age, when one gets surprised after seeing a couple on the streets and realizing that they are attached. Why this phenomenon?

Does it provide a sense of self-importance, a feeling of one’s significance?
Not long ago, the new trend was blogs and online diaries. Are facebook and twitter, software that allows real-time updating and instant links to other people, evolutions of those?

What is it going to be like to stay connected to this digital age 50 years later?

religion

2010-12-28T19:38:00.001+08:00

A Christian and an agnostic died and arrived before the heavens. “I told you so!” said the Christian.

But should the atheist be vindicated, does anyone have anything to be joyous about? Why are the atheists so triumphant about their beliefs? Do they honestly think they are better off than their fellow counterparts who placed their faith on the supernatural?
______

In a documentary titled ‘Religious’, Bill Maher (a comedian who I have come to be a huge fan of) explored the different religions embraced by the people his country. There are obviously the Christians, the Catholics, the Muslims, the Mormons, the Scientologists. Hell, there’s even one guy who believed that he’s the second coming of Christ and has, amazingly, a significant following of thousands. The question I found myself asking myself is this, “Just where is the line, beyond which an ‘average’ human being will deem beyond rationality, and if there is such a line, how close will it be to what another ‘average’ human being classified as insanity?” Or when it comes to religion, does logic even matter at all?

Aside from those highlighted in the documentary, there is the Jehovah Witness. The Chinese believe in a mixture of Taoism, Hinduism and Buddhism, that sometimes it becomes really hard to term his or her belief. Even within the Christian circle, believers are separated into various divisions and denominations, each with their own practices, culture, and sometimes even teachings. And I’m sure the same applies for Muslims too.

In America, a huge portion of its people believes the world is made in 5000 years. Evolution is just a hypothesis. Global warming is a myth. Some justify the last statement by suggesting that a global epidemic is not possible because God promised Noah that there will never be widespread devastation. Several years ago, Bush halted stem cell research because a group of cells (smaller than perhaps a pea) is considered to be life. Priests go to Aids-stricken nations and advocate against the use of condoms. It’s when I learn about all these, did I understand Maher’s agony. Here is the United States of America, a country that he loves, torn apart, literally because of the 911 incident, economically and socially when voters elect their congressmen and senators by what the candidates believe in. Instead of an election that is dependent on how policy makers are going to handle the failing economy, Maher got an election that is based on the debate on gay rights.

In Singapore, I think we are lucky that religion has not stepped over the boundaries in the creation of our policies, even though the not-too-long-ago AWARE saga seems to point towards in the opposite direction. We are fortunate that as a conservative society, we could escape the homosexuality debate for a while, but as we moved towards to become a more free and liberal society, that’s when the social fabric has to be stretched. I know people who are homophobic, and to them I pose the question, “We claim to be a country that everyone is entitled to his or her own beliefs, provided they don’t adversely affect others. Is that just hypocrisy? Can you really answer that they adversely affect you because you can’t stand the sight of them?”

A lot of atheists and agnostics discredit religion by blaming it for a great deal of unnecessary violence. They point to the numerous jihads and the crusades throughout civilization and lament that lives need not be lost if not for such senseless behavior. In certain countries, people stone adulterers because their Scripture told them to do so. In others, people justify genocides in the name of God. The defense put up is that these attacks are not religious by nature, but actually political. But the sad truth is that it’s the religious people, who believed blindly, that allowed themselves to be made use of in the first place.

Nonetheless, the question to ask ourselves is not if such mindless slaughter will stop should religion be non-existent, but religion can ever be non-existent in the first place.

One only need to look at Hitler and his holocaust to know that people don’t just kill in the name of their God. In the last 10 centuries, millions of Chinese died in the endless wars between the Chinese states. Did all this happen because of religion? Definitely not religion as we know it today, but it is religion because they believe in something that is worth the destruction of millions of lives.

So why have religious people been eager to persecute each other? Why have people condemned Galileo when he disputed the geocentric model of the world based on observed facts? And even so today, why are people so adamantly denying evolution although the fossils are evidence clear enough? Perhaps because this is no longer just a simple argument about theories and hypothesizes. Instead, they are arguments that will directly affect the people’s lives, not only lives belong to this “mortal” world, but the after-lives that they do and have to believe in.

“And this brings us to the unique paradox of the human condition: that man wants to persevere as does any animal or primitive organism; he is driven by the same craving to consume, to convert energy and to enjoy continued experience. But man is cursed with a burden no animal has to bear: he is conscious that his own end is inevitable, that his stomach will die.”

People often compare the Homo Sapiens to animals and wonder why humans seem to be the only species killing each other, or even just killing for pleasure. Are humans worse than animals? But I think if you go deeper into the psychological motivations of people, it only seems natural that the reasons for areas which make us ‘better’ than animals (smarter, ability to reflect, e.g.) are the same reasons for areas which make us ‘worse’.

Man needs to transcend death, and he does so “not only by continuing to feed his appetites, but especially by finding a meaning for his life, some kind of larger scheme into which he fits: he may believe he has fulfilled God’s purpose, or done his duty to his ancestors or family, or achieved something. This is how man assures the expansive meaning of his life in the face of the real limitations of his body”.
After all, “what Man really fears is not so much extinction, but extinction with insignificance”.

My point is that religion is here to stay, whether we like it or not. Even for atheists who opt not to believe in a higher being is culpable of believing in something, be it his own achievements or philosophy etc. Richard Dawkins, an atheist and writer of The God Delusion, has to believe in something, and for him I presume it is Science. And if you think that’s much better off than believing in some God, so did Hitler. After all, aside from the religious extremists, who is to say that religion will not change people for the better? Lots of criminals have been reformed due to religion and not because the possible jail-time or the cane scare the hell out of them. And who is not to say that America’s liberal social system might also possibly arise because the religious people believe that everyone who is God’s creation should have his or her rights too?

But at the same time, we should realize that it is very important not to let religion be involved in politics (I think that’s what got American politics into such a mess), not to allow any religious agenda to be part of it, and not to just vote for someone because he believes in the same God as you. Firstly, you do not know if he’s just pretending. Secondly, it definitely does not mean that he has the ability to lead the country, or whatever he is supposed to do. Opinions should not be made into law. Neither should faith-based beliefs.

Our secret fantasy is for everyone around us to share our hopes, our ideals, our god or no god for that matter. But that is never going to be achieved realistically. Interestingly, the little amount of sanctuary in our first world nation (besides the Vatican) comes not from everyone having the same God, but everyone finally understanding that the person next to him to entitled to his or her own beliefs. And if this little peace has to come at the expense of allowing the other person to do whatever he likes without affecting us directly, I think I can live with that. I hope that you would too.

*quotes are taken from Escape from Evil, Ernest Becker.

changes

2010-11-25T01:05:00.000+08:00

There is a point in life when everything changes. It can be the day one gets married, the day one finds himself having a child, the first job or the graduation day.

One of the most memorable lines that I remember from Sex and City is this: “I wake up, look at the mirror, and I don’t recognise myself anymore.”

Is this part of growing up, part of transiting from one phase of life to another? Is this what’s happening to me?

When I was young, I was confident (quite) that I would remain more or less the same today. I would be working no doubt, but nonetheless with the same nonchalant, apathetic personality, motivated sufficiently to help the person next to me. I would stick with some of my old friends. But it seems not the case today. Sure, some of these things are constant. Yet my worldview has changed completely. And so if a younger version of me was to look in the ‘mirror’ and see into the future this person today, would he accept it? Maybe, since he does not have a choice. Would he be happy with it? I’ve always subscribed to Murphy’s Law, but I think he would feel a certain degree of shock.

I guess in my opinion, the biggest change occurs when beliefs changes, when religion changes. That’s when everything on which one’s life used to be based on would be devastated. That’s when a value system, that ought to be constant, is shattered. The perspective with which one looks at a particular situation might have to change, because the rationale for the particular outlook is no longer applicable.

At the end of the day, am I convinced that this change is for the better - at the very least, for myself? I could have a more pragmatic view life, but that does not equate to a more fulfilling life. Then again, such self-persuasion is meaningless; I can’t go back now. Logic will never tolerate that. I doubt my mind would allow that.

I still feel I haven’t sufficiently grasped the impact of the changes. Maybe like many others, I choose not to think that far because usually, the future we perceive today are not at all relevant. They just serve as something for us to cling on to, for us to motivate ourselves to continue to do what we are doing. Or maybe I don’t really forsee a future that exciting and entertaining.

Ah. The bliss of self-deception, and the wonders of repression…

mind your own business

2010-11-04T17:42:00.000+08:00

Recently, a young adult was hacked to death by a gang. Apparently, it began just as a verbal conflict. I suppose he went to challenge the gang or the gang leader or something. If you ask me if I think he deserve it. I’ll say no. After all, no man deserve to die when he commit no crime. But did he ask for it? I don’t know. Maybe?

I thought one or two incidents like this once in a while will teach society to be more tolerant. It’s not too long ago I witnessed a rather violent fight. What began as just an almost innocent wrong like smoking in a no-smoking corner in a coffee-shop escalated into a scene in which three to four men threw chairs at a man because his wife refused to stop complaining loudly even know the one who was smoking stopped doing so. It’s almost a joke.

Sometimes, I think we should learn to just shut up and get on with life, and quit complaining for a while. It’s almost exasperating to see someone writing to the Straits Times Forum to complain about silly things, disappointing especially considering the average education level of our citizens. It’s as if we feel that providing a ‘feedback’ to the company is not enough, and we must do more to embarrass the company.

After this incident, maybe for another few years, people will think twice before picking up a fight again.

democracy - solution or problem

2010-10-22T17:09:00.002+08:00

22 october 2010

Is a democracy that makes a majority of its decisions by having a party win by just a small margin each time a true democracy? Each time I read the papers, or online news articles related to American politics, I see not a democracy that is a liberal and free, but a country that is so divided in almost everything, with people that do not know what they want, people who are swayed to and fro by the will and tongue of those persuasive and charismatic politicians. Obama, despite winning the election for some time now, still seems to be campaigning for the support of his people. Now being slammed by the public for an all-time high unemployment rate that appears to be still rising, he faces endless sieges by the opposition for having an ineffective economic policy. In the end, the question is does a 2-party political environment still work?

Take the health care reform for e.g., how is it possible that no republican voted for it? Is it possible that that policy is so bad till no republican actually think that it is possibly beneficial to the people, or is it just a fight between the democrats and republicans? In that circumstance, are the senators or congressmen making decisions for the good of the people, or just for the benefits of the party? On the other hand, can you really fault them for doing the latter?

Occasionally, I do like to read the news about the American politics. I’ll go to the cnn website to do that. I guess I’m curious to see whose side I’ll take if I hold the green card at the certain point in time. I read the comments at the bottom of the articles, as interested in the public’s responses. The comments are so diverse – some cursed the Obama administration; others think he’s just stuck with resolving the mess left by Bush. They cite examples of economic policies, what they thought Obama should do in this crisis, what they thought Obama failed to do. I can’t help but wonder if they do know what they are talking about, or the stuff they spoke about is simply a result of media influence and facts distortion by the two parties. I can’t help but wonder if they have given sufficient time to the president they elected, considering that economics is something in which decisions made or policies taken often need quite a significant time to take effect.

Yes in this climate, perhaps there is no room for patience, with a growing number of people finding difficult to put bread on the table. But with economics, I don’t think there’s much a choice but to wait. Otherwise, you’ll just risk instability which does no good to the country either. Maybe I’m not too educated or well-versed in this field, but I think no amount of education can help make the perfect economic analysis that everyone craves. It’s just about making decisions that are based on statistics and with always an element of luck involved (though one can do his best to lower the odds). Moreover, to make matters worse, the decisions are made must produce short-term benefits since voters are only generally only concerned about the immediate benefits that they get. Also, I think there are just too many parties involved, too many things that are unforeseeable. After all, who can predict a euro debt crisis a few years’ back? Nor did anyone fathom that AIG, probably one of the largest insurance companies in the world, requires a rescue from the government or risk bankruptcy otherwise.

Coming back to the Singapore scene, I realize the freedom and liberty that the left wing preaches for may not be entirely good for the nation. I suppose unlike the U.S. whose policies other countries would willingly seek to adapt to, Singapore can’t withstand the instability that others might have put up with. Especially after one looks at the U.S., England, we do have to recognize that a 2-party or multiple-party system may not work as well. In a recent interview, Lee Hsien Loong mentioned that a good government should plan for the future 10 years, or even 20 years ahead, and not merely till the next election. Indeed, is a multiple-party democracy the best form of governance for the people?

Forgive me if I sound like a PAP supporter, but I thought this line of thinking flows logically. In a way, the country can sustain such form of governance simply because it’s small; I think the room for corruption is smaller because it’s just easier to catch. Not to the discredit of LKY, but I think even if you placed a younger him in Obama’s position, I don’t think he would have an easier time changing the U.S. I think it’s simply more difficult governing not only a more educated people, but a wealthier and more powerful bunch of people who would resort to any means to stay in power. Think: if Obama was to cut military or NASA spending, how would the weapons manufacturer react to this? Sadly I think running for presidency in the United States of America seems to be some gigantic marketing campaign that requires huge amount of capital. The sad thing is this will always work. It’s like how PAP garner support by providing more incentives prior election. We all know this is part of their strategy, but we would willingly tag along.

Finally, I do note that everything I said here might be an over-generalisation, or resulted from a gradual influence of the education provided here. After all, I have not travelled much to see the world, and relied mainly on websites and forum comments to arrive to a conclusion. Yet, i think if you look beyond the possibility of biasness on my part, my point is that we do have much to be thankful for and not needlessly complain about stuff. We do have to realize that there are certainly areas in which the government can improve in, but know that no government is perfect. There may be someone siphoning money off the treasury as I write, but this I know, at the very least there are people really working in the best interests of the country (albeit drawing a huge salary from our tax collections). Finally, the fact that they did finally arrive at a skyline unique for our nation implies something must have been done right.

2010-05-15T00:08:00.001+08:00

Friday May 14 2010

There was a class gathering today, just several of us sitting round tables, eating, catching up, reminicsing of the old times, discussing about the possible futures. We were young, and perhapps still are. We are still in the education system after all, though it will not be long before this change.

I could imagine what it would be like in another 5 years’. Perhaps the places we go to will be more posh. There will be much less restrain by concerns about catching the last bus or train. Perhaps there will be more boyfriends and girlfriends, and probably spouses joining us in time to come.

It’s almost classic, almost television-like. In a way, we are walking the ways of those who have already gone before us. I guess there are some things in life that will not change, growing up being first and foremost.

I find it extraordinary how in spite of the technological advances, the changing landscape and lifestyles of people, the science of Man will ever be constant. In the end, we are all driven by the same needs and motivation. We all think in ways that can be categorised into several schools of thoughts, and this classification is more or less subjected to genes and more significantly, the environments in which we grow up. It’s ironic how differences are violently fought over when we all share so much.
Maybe a part of me still wishes for the peace that i know will never come.

The world cup

2010-04-23T03:02:00.002+08:00

Friday, April 23, 2010

Several more weeks left to the World Cup, and there’s no deal between the local telco companies and Fifa for the broadcasting rights. Football fans are getting increasingly frantic, but can only brace themselves for a disappointment as the date draws near. As a soccer fan, I’m not excluded, but in view of the greater scheme of things, so be it. People are people, and they will get over it, especially when it’s over.

What I could not tolerate is the sheer greediness of Fifa. How dare they justify the drastic increase in price by the fact that Singtel paid 400 million for EPL rights! Going by their logic, are Hongkong dramas, movie screening rights going to go up too? It’s absurd that we are paying much more for screening of just 64 matches than China, a population and therefore market size more than thousand times of ours. It’s absolutely ironic because unlike the EPL, the World Cup is an international competition. Profits gained from broadcasting rights should be seen as a plus, after covering expenses for present and perhaps future obligations. Can we allow ourselves to be held to ransom?

Some pointed out the media has been doing an epic job pushing all the blame for FIFA, that whether it’s 40 million or 100 million, it’s only a fraction of the company annual profits. Some accuse Singtel of indirectly causing this situation because it is them who made the 400 million dollar bid. I find it difficult trying to understand how they think that letting yourself be hit by A means you let yourself be kicked by B. Besides, it’s is corporations’ priority to maximize earnings that make Singapore what it is today. Can you fathom the repercussions when they don’t? While I can acknowledge that corporations are not all that good, I think we should provide rational criticism.

Some express outrage at the yearly compensations the top executives receive. To this I can only say: this is a country that rewards more or less based on meritocracy. If you have the ability, get up there too. If you don’t, quit whining. Life as it is, is full of inequalities, except that it’s probably much minimized in this area. Billions of people had lived with kings who are who they are because they are the sons of departed monarchs. Live with it.

Some of them actually have that ability, unlike Blatter, and I find it hard to justify his pay, unless of course the you have reason to find assurance in the things he has said in the media, and confidence in Fifa’s reluctance to implement new stuff that can help promote fairness in the game.

In the end, there are always alternatives, especially when it comes to recreational activities. There are things in life we should remain headstrong about.

幸福

2010-02-22T18:47:00.002+08:00

When I listen to 最幸 by梁文音, I tried to think of a English word that share the same meaning as 幸福. Perhaps as a result of my limited vocabulary, the closest word I could come up with is happiness. Yet I can’t help feeling that there is a great deal of inadequacy of the word ‘happiness’. Maybe ‘happiness’ is too general and too vague a term. But on the other hand, maybe幸福 is really indescribable. It represents an ideal, a dream that we are all seeking. Yet no matter how hard we try, how much effort and dedication we poured in, we always fall short.

Recently, I completed a Taiwanese serial, 光辉的故事, probably one of the best the country ever produced. (For one, it really changed my view towards Taiwanese dramas.) I went back to it countless times. Maybe it’s because I can relate to it very well. It’s about growing up, about the shouldering the inevitable, increasing responsibilities, dealing with both practical issues of life and the silliness of infatuations and crushes. But more significantly, in my opinion, it is the story about how the characters persevere in seeking and finding this happiness that not only touches me, but motivates me to move along step by step in my own life. It’s how the drama painted a happily-ever-after ending and a village of honest and simple people who shared a common love for one another that makes me desire for it too.

And when I step back into reality, I definitely know that this is by no means no real. But in that minutes of the show, I knew I was really satisfied and joyful chasing after the wind. In reality, despite that millions of people around the world desire for the same thing, that幸福 that I found no English word is forever elusive and never really attainable.

achieving immortality

2009-09-09T17:26:00.002+08:00

I close your eyes to find myself sitting on the edge of the roof of a 100 storey high building, looking into the tranquil sky at night. I can hear the faint sound of the city traffic from up there. I feel relaxed, away from the noise, the meaningless busyness of life.

Should I fall over? What would stop me from doing so? What would stop you from doing so?

Over the 3 months, I have the pleasure to listen and read the words of two great men. Both were on the verge of dying, while they spoke about the issues of life, except that while Randy Pausch speaks in his Last Lecture to inspire the world to live a meaningful life, Ernest Becker writes about a profound philosophy that only creates despair. But in the end, I have to ask myself, ‘who would die a happier man, or perhaps a more satisfied man?’

In my quest for answers (to questions i’ve written about in my previous post), I found the Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. The book left me in a shroud of darkness that I’ve never really walked out.

Having read it, can i ever choose to be like Pausch with his hopes and optimism? Can I not think their works as just their own form of ‘causa sui’, “an immortality vessel, where something could create meaning or continue to create meaning beyond its own life”Can i not think that Pausch in some way has gone into some unconscious self delusion (a better word would be repression) in regards to his own impending death?

I quote from Becker, “we can understand what seems like an impossible paradox: the ever-present of fear of death in the normal biological functioning of our instinct of self-preservation, as well as our utter obliviousness to this fear in our conscious life.”Through the book, Becker deals with this issue brilliantly.

What is positive thinking? What is positive tones, optimism, all that stuff we were taught to think? Seriously, is it not some kind of self-delusion too? The world wants to hear good stuff about themselves. The world never want to hear about death, the meaninglessness of the life they are actually living. I do think Ernest Becker brought a truth that no one really wants to hear.

In the end, no matter the ambitions, the hopes and the dreams, we are all moving towards a certain reality. Some choose avoidance, escape, not thinking about it, at least not until they are approaching the end. Others cling on to religion, to the idea that there is life under death, to their versions of immortality. After all, throughout history, men have spent lifetimes looking for some elixirs, ways to extend life. When it finally occur to them that it is impossible, they have to use other means, even it means dying.

Ernest Becker inherited most of his ideas from Otto Rank. The latter left behind works that are hard to decipher, to interpret. According to Becker, it is because he found no one to writes it. But i can’t but wonder if he really sees a point in spreading hopelessness to the rest of the world.

Despite that, I am still recommending Becker's works. I believe that truth matters. I believe that we need to understand more about ourselves, about the human condition, and thus in some way be humbled by the sheer smallness of ourselves.

Our mortality

2009-07-22T22:45:00.003+08:00

Wednesday, July 22 2009

Is Man’s fanaticism about immortality a product of their fear of death? Is everybody’s nonchalance about the inevitability of death an innate survival mechanism that ensures the existence of their own kind? After all, can one live always in light of one’s death? Consciousness is what that differentiates us from the other species. This ability to reflect, to make decisions not just on past experiences but also predicting the future is what that also let us perceive our imminent and inescapable end. Man’s desire to find purpose might be consequential of that. If so, it makes me wonder is religion, the willing embrace of the existence of the higher powers and beings part of Man’s willing self-delusion in order to find purpose and meaning in response to the knowledge of their own mortality.

I tried to look back on my life and reflect on the things I’ve done – my achievements, my social life, my attitude to work, to life and to friends. There’s always a certain sense of nostalgia, of regret, and even sorrow. Yet at the same time, there is always that harsh reminder that nothing I have done, nothing I have gained counts for anything in the future.

I remember I was fourteen when I came across Ecclesiastes in my bible study. There is something profound about the writer’s acknowledgement of the meaningless of life that struck me, a person who have started to question the purpose of life. As I grew up, it’s always the same harsh reality that claws of me – I could always look back on my own life to reflect, only to look ahead to see they are all so pointless.

Because the end of the road that I’m walking, no matter how I do it, is death. This fact, in face of all that mundane things that I spend already half my life doing (and probably the next half too), renders everything meaningless. How do you have aspirations when it doesn’t mean anything in the end, when you know that people’s memories of yourself isn’t worth crap when you are sixth feet under and even that cannot withstand the test of time, when the merciless hands of the clock sweep you into the back off their minds forever…

For atheists, there’s something horrifying about just disappearing from the world isn’t it? It’s like being deleted into oblivion. One moment you are there, and the next you are not. You don’t exist. You had existed, and now there’s just no you. For Christians or hell, whoever that believe that he or she will go to heaven and be good when he die, life on earth even means lesser isn’t it? Besides, like I always mentioned, there’s something about being sinless that worries me. Are we characterized by our own different degrees and types of selfishness? Isn’t that part of what that makes us different from the person besides us? For people who even believe in reincarnation, hell why worry about karma or whatsoever when you aren’t going to know it in your next life? You don’t even know you’ll remain the believer of the same faith.

When I look at the people around me, the people so hectic and busy with the hustle and bustle of life, the people so eager to climb up the career ladder, the people who plot and connive to be the next rulers and kings of the world, I wonder how thee reconcile this idea of deatht to their world view. (Maybe they just don’t.) When I look at the paranoia about the H1N1 flu, the millions of no ‘this’ and no ‘that’ for the sake of health, the gorging of multi-vitamins and other health supplements, I can’t help but ask what’s the great fuss about prolonging one’s life, or delaying one’s death, that everyone’s so obsessed about?

I have witnessed families of two, a mother and her child, in their seventies and nineties, and wonder if having long life is a road to happiness. I doubt there’s anything satisfying about outliving your son or daughter. There’s nothing to be proud of when you outlive your old friends and make it to the Guinness Book of Record, unless a heart-wrenching loneliness is something to be ecstatic for. I doubt there’s anything fun about living in idleness and physical weakness, with also a fast depleting bank account and mountain-high medical bills and probably 2 feet in the coffin already. The Hokkien call it ‘Tan Si’ or simply waiting to die.

When I was young, I used to believe that I could walk into a burning house to save people. As I grow older, I found out that I fear heights. I would tremble when I try to cross those dangling logs you see in adventure camps. Has my fear of heights anything to do with the fear of death? Do I really dare run into a burning house? Do I dare contemplate my own death? Maybe deep down, though I hate to admit it, I fear death too. Is my reason for living as simple as not wanting to die? Throughout my life, I have seeked purpose and meaning, but until now, I found not much answers and would choose to avoid them. I live from day to day, month to month, I just don’t look too far into the future, to the end everyone’s going as well. In the end, how different am I from the one who never once thought about it, how different am I from the animal who does not know about it?

politics

2008-09-06T22:44:00.000+08:00

I never thought that Singapore could have a city night view I can be very well be proud of. When I first look across the dark waters near the Merlion after a long night cycle, relishing the gentle cold breeze brushing past me, I could feel that serenity, in awe at not only the grandeur of the view, but also at what the nation has achieved in less than fifty years. When you look at it, at least when I did, I think you would want to believe that this country is progressing in the right direction, that the people on top to whom you pay your taxes to are doing a good job – their job.

Today, Singapore’s politics is still surrounded by lots of controversies. The state control over the media (be it the press, tv or radio), the questionable fact that power and influence seems to be held by a very small number of people (some say family), the predicaments of government opposers ended in seem to be just a few examples. It is no wonder that people regarded Singapore as a social democracy. The people are not happy. They blame it all at he government, as usual. It doesn’t help when the cost of living is shooting up, and at the same time, in their opinion, the only other thing rising up seems to be the ministers’ wages as well.

I’m not PAP fan, but I would like to think myself as an educated person, although been through education in Singapore but not brainwashed by government propaganda, but be able to discern for myself what is good and what is bad, able to appreciate what there is before me and thus be no complacent. Maybe before we go on and criticize policies, decisions, we need to be able to see that our standard of living is definitely one of the highest. We need to see that we have enjoyed peace for many, many years and have seen little of messy conflicts and violent demonstrations. And finally, we need to be able to see that the talented work for money. We should be sure that in today’s materialistic world, there aren’t many people to work just to serve the nation nowadays. There is always a more selfish agenda. This is reality, though sad, but I think we are all aware of it, beginning even from ourselves.

In a way, I’m an extremist. I’m not a supporter of democracy, because I have simply no confidence in allowing my government to be elected by a majority only concerned about themselves, about just the present, a majority which seems to be unable to see the greater picture, the larger scheme of plans. You look at America’s politics that you see a population more concerned about the candidate’s past and possible dirty linen instead of his abilities and what he has done. You look at Singapore and you see how HDB upgrading seems to work in favor of the ruling party just before the election. You look at Malaysia’s almost violent protests and demonstrations when the government decides to cut fuel subsidies and you would see a people failing to see that the money could be channeled to other areas for better and more efficient economic growth which will in turn affect them. How about the ones who keep harping about the rising ERP, cursing the government for that, requiring a reminder that COE has gone down by 80% from 50k to 10? How certain are we to let voters like that choose our government, and in doing so, dictate our future?

I think for us, as people living in this developed ‘developing country’ or even elsewhere, we need to ask ourselves, ‘Are we too used to excesses that we become incapable of identifying what’s necessity and what’s not?’

I would think the more important problem to date is not really our birth rate (which I don’t think can be solved by the baby bonus and longer maternity leave). I think it’s the growing wealth disparity that seems to be more worrying. I don’t think that’s a topic the Prime Minister would talk about in the National Day Rally either. It is a problem hard to solve since it is inevitable in any capitalist country. Even though there is GST, cash rebates, power credits etc all aiming to balance wealth a little, it won’t really help much. At the same time, the country will not want all the wealthy to emigrate, bringing along their fortunes. Overtaxing them seems unfair when their money is too earned by their own sweat and blood, through their own capabilities. Yet it would be bad if the situation is allowed to deteriorate. I mean, isn’t it hurting to see another family owning more than two cars when you have difficult making ends meet even without one?

These are issues which I found myself thinking about when I listen to the National Day Rally, and I hope you would too, and then take your own stand. Come next election, when I have to vote, I think I’ll still vote in favor of the ruling party. I may not be too happy with the one-party dominance, my controlled TV, but grudgingly I still have to admit, they are still doing their job.

dependents

2008-08-25T18:47:00.000+08:00

On the train, I saw a boy walking around. His behavior was abnormal. He kept talking to himself, laughing to himself, walking to window panes and put his face to them (we are by the way still in the tunnel) and gazing out of them. I could not help but stare for a while at him, and then shrank back into my seat. I’m not mocking at him, looking down at his type of people, judging him. It’s just that I realize that maybe it’s just by a very small chance that I’m brought across the line, and I could have very well ended like him.

I started to wonder about his family, about his parents, trying to imagine their concerns, their worries which somehow would never end, if not increase. He will grow up, but how will he grow old? I guess sometimes we could really see the goodness in people when we just look at some parents. It takes courage and love to not abort the child during pregnancy, even more to raise him up, to teach his other siblings as well to love him.

It’s through looking at them I see my pathetic self. I doubt I’ll ever able to be like them. I rather escape, to take as little responsibilities for dependents as possible. The notion of ending up in their circumstance frightens me, and I know I rather want zero probability for that happening.

Yet I could not run away from the inevitable – aging. It’s not too while ago I help one old man carry a wooden board to his block from the refuse of a construction site. He is limping, relying on his crutch. He could not even articulate. I understood him by his gestures. As I walked to the destination, I think my mind is more preoccupied with the possibility of ending up like him than reaching the destination.

I’m not anyone great. I can’t think of what I would do if ever such a time comes. Maybe it’s better to take a step at a time, as I’ve always, and see what happens.

teachers

2008-08-11T02:53:00.000+08:00

August 10, 2008

On the bus yesterday, I overheard a conversation between a teacher and a student. (I did not meant to eavesdrop, but a close proximity to them, along with that feeling of boredom, curiosity did not permit me to do otherwise.) Anyway, here we have a teacher genuinely concerned with her student, and hopeful that she’ll be able to a id her student in her studies and in her struggle to balance between academic work and CCA.

It brought me to remind myself that I am where I am probably because of my teachers, teachers who sought to make a difference, even though it means doing the same thing over and over again, only for perhaps that sense of satisfaction and that few expressions of gratitude at the end of the academic year, only to return to another cohort of strangers, to yet another group of pupils with the same apathy, and that doubt in your ability in their eyes. And yet for that girl, the teacher’s words and guidance could probably be what that keeps her going, not giving up, and if she succeeds in life, surely she would not forget her? In the same way, am I forgetting mine? Am I forgetting the past?

Today we still see parents’ anxiety to send their sons and daughters to top, renowned, established institutes, queuing up for days, making ‘donations’. I used to wonder why. Is the curriculum different in different schools? Is the caliber of teachers that different? Maybe, but probably not… It didn’t take me long to realize that school culture and the study environment is what that matters most, especially at the age when we all know peer pressure to be probably the strongest pushing and motivating power.

That said, I wonder if the streaming of students in primary school is nothing more that isolating a condemned bunch and letting them rot together rather that affecting others, rather than all that proclaimed euphemism of letting the slower ones learn at a more comfortable pace.

I cycle around with a group of friends. There was once we came across a toilet with lots of syringes. A friend remarked that they probably belong to the people who are doing drugs, and he’s probably right. It saddens me somehow to know that, especially when realizing that they actually belong to same group of lesser educated people. In my years as a student, I guess I mix around with the same kind/type of people too much to know that the other end of society is still as dark, as hopeless. We would like to call ourselves a developed nation, a country that can boasts of her wealth and standard of living, but maybe this standard of living ought to be only as good as that in lower end of society.

I believe it is education that can help eradicate poverty, and clear the minds of people of senseless and stupid behavior and actions. I believe that it’s in the neighborhood schools where teachers have more important parts to play, to mould the young into people who are able to make wiser decisions, to shine light and teach them not to despair.

On that bus, I think that teacher has taught two people.

Good night, and good luck

2008-07-01T23:11:00.001+08:00

Tuesday, July 01, 2008 T: 22 55

This is a quote by Mr Murrows taken from the move ‘Good luck and Good Night’ on television and responsible journalism.

I began by saying that our history will be what we make it. If we go on as we are, history will take its revenge, and retribution will not limp in catching up with us.

Just once in a while let us exalt the importance of ideas and information. Let us dream to the extent of saying that on a given Sunday night the time normally occupied by Ed Sullivan is given over to a clinical survey of the state of American education, and a week or two later the time normally used by Steve Allen is devoted to a thoroughgoing study of American policy in the Middle East.

Would the corporate image of their respective sponsors be damaged?

Would the shareholders rise up in their wrath and complain?

Would anything happen other than a few million people would have received some illumination on subjects that may well determine the future of this country and therefore the future of corporations?

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, I can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck.

Sometimes it is very comforting to know there’s always a few great people, wise people out there fighting for what is right. I can’t help but always wonder if the majority of people really care about the larger picture other their own short-termed personal gain. When you look at those candidates running for presidency debating each other on TV, and then how polls can change because of a wrong usage of certain word, you wonder if people are simply naïve and gullible by nature.

As a broadcaster, Mr Murrows certainly represent some of the more responsible and aspiring ones. The question if he will be able to reach out to people. We the audience the people sitting in the front of the TV will have to decide if we prefer informative insights to the real world to just pure comedic entertainment.

Which group of people do you belong to?

our right?

2008-06-22T19:34:00.000+08:00

Sunday, June 22, 2008 T: 19 22

Watching Jurassic Park reminds me how disgusting Mankind can be. We seem to be the only species that kill for entertainment. We throw animals into enclosure for our own viewing pleasure, denying them freedom and making them lose themselves. What on earth makes a guy throw a cat down from a few storey high just to test if it can survive the fall, if it really has nine lives?

What gives us the right to perform tests on rats and other animals to check if our medicine is safe for us? What gives us the right to neuter animals so that they won’t behave aggressively as pets in our homes? Sadly, it is this simple fact. The fittest survive. That alone gives us sufficient right and authority...

my sassy girl

2008-06-08T21:48:00.001+08:00

Sunday, June 08, 2008 T: 21 20

When I watched My Sassy Girl for the second time, I did it with a greater understanding of the movie. It is not a chick flick. Rather, through the movie, I think the director or perhaps the scriptwriters wanted to show their own perspective of what love is. The movie consists of quite a lot of comic relief, but beyond that, it is also about overcoming grief, about sacrificial love. As I watched the movie, I could imagine the girl’s agony, the torturous feelings of being torn apart when she screamed her apologies over the mountains, the waves of emotions that conflicted within her. She could not forget her ex, and she knows it’ll be both unfair to the both of them if she stays.

Maybe the beauty of love lies in the phenomenon that a person can find a place in another’s heart. Once it is taken, there can be no way of replacing it. There can always be someone else, but the place in that heart is irreplaceable. The departure of the person would only caused an emptiness, as if a piece of the heart is taken away, a sorrow so painful, that makes one almost breathless when he think about it. In some, this hole may take only a while to be repair, healed, but in others, possibly eternality.

It is strange how the heart will feel the pain when it is just an organ pumping blood. The Chinese associated lots of words about emotions with ‘心’. Maybe the ancient Chinese are wiser than I am.

milestone: at the age of 20

2008-05-31T13:54:00.001+08:00

Saturday, May 31, 2008 T: 13 11

Sometimes, it’s only when you take a look at the people around you will you realize time ‘blinks’. Suddenly, you seem to find yourself in another instance of time. You can only vaguely remember how you get there, the process, but when you attempt to pinpoint the details, you can’t seem to find them.

When I finally stop and look around myself, I see my friends getting married, having children, climbing up the career ladders, pursuing their dreams. Today, one just reminded that he has been married for over a year, and his child is already a year old. It’s puzzling isn’t it, how time seems to move slower for singles, for people who center their lives on themselves. I’m twenty, and I still seem to be surprised at that fact. I haven’t seem to come to terms with the fact that the first digit of my age no longer beings with a 1. Somehow, I have that feeling that it means a lot. I guess it signifies the beginning of the age of independence. It reminds me of the need to be mature, to be able to take things on my own. It is about reaching the end of a main road and then figuring out which path to take, or even creating a path of my own. It is a time when possibilities seem to be endless, when whatever dreams, goals that I have begin to take their shapes. Yet in the face of that huge, almost infinite number of choices, I’m not exactly spoilt for choice. I’m lost, and still finding a way.

When I’m alone on the train, in the bus, in public, I like to do some people-watching on my own. I like observing the aged, the adults, the kids, the infants… I enjoy seeing the interaction between people, the closeness of a father and son, the constant reprimanding from a mother to her child, the extraordinary intimacy of a guy and girl who share no blood relations. I like to see the eyes of people who are alone by themselves. Some reflect exhaustion, that tiredness and lethargy. Others a certain boredom, nonchalance, and finally in kids almost always that excitement. As we grow old, did our eyes lose their sparkle, their glitter?

How nice would it be if I could view the world through the eyes of a toddler once again, with that same innocence and naivety, to be just like a month old kitten fresh out in the world, anxious to learn, curious and fascinated with everything! Humans tend to be easily bored by things, to lose interest and then to seek newer things. And in this society of the 21^st modern century, it’s almost in our nature to seek instant gratification. Many a times, I see myself overwhelmed by envy for others, and then desires for material wealth and riches. I would relish that 5 seconds of fantasies and ‘what ifs’, only then to check myself back to reality. In the end, that’s always that meaningless of it all. I mean, so what if I got a ‘BMW’, I would be longing for a convertible next. So what if I got a condo, I would be yearning for land on ground. So what if I got a girlfriend, or even a wife, I would be probably thinking of other women later. In the end, it is always an internal battle within myself to be happy with my status quo, to tell myself that for everything, it should always be function over beauty, function over the chance to show off. I don’t win every battle. Temptation has its cunning way of making one lose many, but at the very least, I hope I can stop at something. Maybe a Seiko over a Casio, but never a Rolex!

At the age of 20, it is about looking back in time to revisit as many incidents as possible, to reflect back on everything I’ve learnt thus far. It is about shaping a world view, an outlook to life. It is about creating an identity which would belong to myself, it’s about establishing my own ethical rules and moral standards that I could a bide to, a certain set of rules for myself. Somehow, that is more easily said. Because as I grow up, I have seen enough things in this world to know that they are seldom in black and white. It always depends on the perspective, the eyes from which you are looking at the issue. Me making it black or white would not be fair to either party. Movies like Crash affirm that. As a result, I find myself becoming more like a chameleon, unable to find a real self. That in a way might be an escapist’s solution, but I’ve survived. Whether in religion, in politics, in government, I constantly remind myself to put myself in as many different perspectives as possible. To problems that are grey in nature, mainly those related to religion and relationships, I do not wish to offer a judgement, to say who’s right and who’s wrong. I choose to offer different viewpoints, and let them decide for themselves what they want to do next. For myself, I’ve come to taught myself that there’s no standard or whatsoever I give set for myself, but rather to take things issue by issue, one a time. Sure this might leave a lot of things hanging there. It might not over be in line with what I want to believe MY Christian faith. No matter, I hope when I meet God, it’ll be without regrets.

A pessimist or an optimist? There are some who consider me a cynic. I’m a realist.

I’m not a grown-up; I’m still growing up. There are many things that I don’t know about, many things that I have not seen. Relationships remain a mystery, because it often involves a thing so great, a thing capable of lighting up lives and darkening others. Love, be it agape, phileos, eros, storge. I like to look at movies like Traffic, My Sassy girl etc. They are made not just to generate profits. But beyond that, the director wants to share a view-point, an opinion, and I want to be here to listen. At the age of twenty, I’m in this world to learn.

age

2008-05-19T16:59:00.001+08:00

Monday, May 19, 2008 T: 16 42

I’m listening to Caritas, Share the love. I found it when I went through my things earlier in the morning. I think I have bought the cd when I was in sec 3. I was 15 then. Sometimes, I really need reminders that I have lived for 2 decades. Somehow, I still have not get used to the fact that my age begins with a 2 instead of a 1. But I think my body continues to assure me time and time again. My knees begin creaking, my stomach not often agreeing with the food I eat, my sight and perhaps even hearing gradually failing me. Perhaps it’s not really that obvious now, but I can’t really imagine what it’ll be like in another 50 years’ time. I have no idea what I’ll be doing then, no clue to guessing what my future will be like. I’ll probably be condemned to the wheelchair, maybe even the bed. I’ll be cursed by every damn passenger when I made my way up the bus. Worse, I’ll be losing my memories. In the past, I thought life is all about moving on. To hell with the past, and history can go rot for all I care. But how do you move on when you don’t know who you are?

When I walked to the bus-stop today, I passed an old man crushing cans with his feet. Each lifting up for his master foot seems to sap away half his life. I felt that certain pity welling deep within me. I wonder if I’ll end up like that too.

Has life any meaning? I often wonder about those people who in the olden days who can’t come to terms about their inevitable deaths. They strive to seek immortality, even killing to do so. Do they want to live because they fear death, or because life is that enjoyable?

An insight of Singaporeans

2008-04-27T18:37:00.001+08:00

Sunday, April 27, 2008 T: 18 22

Last Friday, an entire depot/company of ‘soldiers’ went prawning i.e. fishing for prawns for company cohesion. It’s not at some river, not at some seabed or jetty, but at Bishan prawning and fishing pond. (I don’t know what they call it, but I can’t be bothered to find out.) It basically consists of shallow ponds of live prawns that the owners dump in so that people can fish it out.

One thing I’ve learnt from this event:

The fact that such business actually survive, perhaps even thrive, in this land-scarce country tells you a lot about Singaporeans, doesn’t it? When I was a kid, I think my parents pay quite a certain amount for me to fish guppies and other freshwater cheap fish at Pasir Ris Park. I was a kid, who probably did not understand that it’s an utter waste of money. Here, we have adults paying 15 dollars per pax to fish for prawns. Well, it simply tells you that Singaporeans are quite fond of cheap thrills! Of course, it feels different to cook the prawns you just caught isn’t it? I pity the prawns that have to be caught twice, be out of the water so many times, just end for being dinner for a bunch of 2 legged mammals who seem to have nothing better to do.

music

2008-04-17T19:28:00.000+08:00

Thursday, April 17, 2008 T: 19 23

When I listen to the songs on the pop charts now and compare to the songs of the past, I realize I might prefer the old songs more. Lately, the music world’s been all too zealous about the R&B genre. Everyone seems to be stepping into that area. Even Mariah Carey… Sometimes, these songs may be nice, but I realize that they can be noisy on some other days. I must be getting old, but at times I realize my ears prefer something simpler. A bit of Norah Jones for a change… Maybe even Olivia Ong can be a refreshing change.

words

2008-02-10T17:16:00.001+08:00

Sunday, February 10, 2008 T: 16 48

When I was young, I told everyone that I’ll rear dogs and cats in future. I was unhappy with my mother for not allowing me then. She mentioned that she also did have such a desire when she was young, but grew out of it by then. It was not exactly something I would have liked to hear then.

Now that I am older, I realized I was not as certain anymore, aware of the baggage that I would have to carry should I make that decision. Will I make it happy? Will I be willing to clean up after him? Do I have the time to care for him? All those declarations, proclamations that I have made when I was younger was propelled by nothing except foolishness. I think I might have to eat up my words.

Man is so fallible. We would always say things with almost absolute conviction, and that’s the end of it. Words meant nothing. They are free after all. No one is there to record it down. You don’t get penalized for saying things that you mean. Instead, if it is nice to hear, you will get rewarded. I tried to make it a habit of never saying yes. I use words like ‘probably’, ‘maybe’, ‘I think’. I don’t really like going back on my word. I mean in the end how can we be certain, how can we be sure? But when we hear those words, we see indecisiveness in the user.

We promise, freely sometimes, only to say sorry later. After all, apologies are free. Promises are free. It’s ironic sometimes when you hear how people use the word ‘promise’. “I promise to go to the mall with you.” “I promise to take you to the zoo.” Without using that word, will that statement be just a lie? Even if with that word, I think people will know it’s just a word, a sound made by our vocal chords. That’s about it.

That’s why paper is so important in this world. We have contracts, agreements, and wills drawn up and signed so that we can be held accountable. Words by mouth can’t do that. That said, I wonder if marriage vows in the end mean anything at all, or rather they are just part a ritual which would make the ceremony more complete and touching. Frankly speaking, I think what’s more important is the signing of documents during the ceremony, not really the vows. It’s paper that binds two people together. How pathetic is that?

I guess this is how the world works. I’m not complaining.

So much for ‘let your yes be a yes, and a no be a no’… But the subject here is Man, homo sapiens, not God.

cny

2008-02-07T15:08:00.001+08:00

Thursday, February 07, 2008 T: 14 53

Today is the first day of Chinese New Year. In the past, when I take a trip downstairs, all the shops and stalls would have closed for the New Year. Now, the coffee-shop is open. Shop and Save is open. Instead of the Malays and Indians I expect to see running the show, there are Chinese too. If I take the public bus, I bet I’ll see Chinese drivers too, all only too eager to make use of the triple wage workday to get an additional red packet.

For the better or worse, when a country modernized, even perhaps Americanized, traditions are basically eroded away. Perhaps some understand that following past practices may not be exactly the smartest thing to do, especially in this heavily competitive world. There may still be customs that we may follow, but those are what that seems beneficial to us. There may be people who lament the loss of identity, but to me, the old has always to give way for the new. Our old traditions may have fallen apart, but there is always a new culture, and in it will contain bits of the old, a new culture that people would be willing to call their own.

When I see an Indian being cast as the God of Fortune in the Chinese New Year Celebration, I think I would want to believe that things have changed for the better.

responsibilities

2008-02-04T23:53:00.001+08:00

Friday, February 01, 2008 T: 00 18

What if you are a parent finding yourself with a daughter born with leukemia and the only solution offered to you is to have another child in order to order his bone marrow?

What if you are that child who feels that the reason for your existence only just lies with your sister?

What if you are the sick girl who have been through all that years of medical treatment consisting of lots of needles and pain, years of knowing the amount of physical pain you have caused your sister to suffer, and now require a kidney from her?

And if you are the parent, would you encourage the transplant knowing that the success rate isn’t 100%?

In My Sister’s Keeper, Jodi Piccoult asks such questions, and offers a few perspectives to look at this issue. As I thought through them, I realize I’m really unable to answer, perhaps even rather to toss a coin to decide. Then again, would I even allow a coin toss to decide the fate of the people I love? There are no right and wrong. I wish there is, so that the world can be more certain, definite. There seem to be so many grey areas I find myself stumbling into as I grow up, along with all those tremendously difficult decisions I may have to make, answers to give. But maybe that’s what makes life more interesting. But this is the unexpected which I rather do without.

If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. I wonder how many people in this world have failed to plan. Who has consider the work as a garbage collector in his plan? Who has considered the birth of a dying child in his family planning? Maybe if you tried to plan too much, accommodating to too many possible scenarios, you may ending up with nothing at all.

A while ago, there was an article about how an African couple seek treatment for their child who is born with very severe deformities (such as the lack of 4 limbs) so that the child might live longer. In it, I see nothing but pointlessness, if not cruelty. Why do you even want a child in this condition to live, only to be ostracized and shunned by society? At best, he can be fitted with robotic artificial limbs only to be some exhibition to show success in the medical field! Perhaps the responsibilities of parents involves not just ensuring the child’s survival, rather I think it includes learning to let go, to sometimes do what is needed to minimize the pain and suffering. Would you then abort a child born with an additional chromosome – Down’s syndrome? When I asked a friend, I got a very certain affirmative for an answer. But I can’t help but feel that the decision would be much harder after seven months of pregnancy, excited and ecstatic anticipation? After all, could we bear to live with self-reproach for the rest of our lives, attempting to convince ourselves that our decision is a right one?

Would you pull the plug of a close person after 1 year of coma or continue to bear the financial burden for the rest of your life? Would you agree to DNR after suffering on the hospital bed for weeks?

These are questions we don’t really ask. They do not exactly encourage us, but rather causes us to live more in apprehension if we become overly concerned about them. We all hope for the best, pray that we won’t be put in such positions.

When I was young, my world was made up of the black and white. Now the grey areas seem to be spreading faster than ever. Decisions which I would never hesitate making in the past are decisions which I would not spend hours pondering over and not come to an answer. For the bold and the optimistic, they choose to move on in search of a greater happiness they think would come to them. For me, I think I’m a coward.

a reason

2008-01-06T16:02:00.001+08:00

Sunday, January 06, 2008 T: 14 58

There was this one guy who used to be the world’s richest man, the one before Gates I think, whose name I do not know, who gave a one word answer when asked how much money is enough. His answer was ‘more’. My pastors use this example to illustrate the greed of man. But I can’t help but think it might be something more. What if earning more, possessing more is all that’s left of giving his life a meaning, a sense of purpose?

Is contentment a key to happiness? I used to think so. But our scientific progress and technological advances are made possible because of a lack of it. If you read all my entries before this, you can find all that emphasis on being happy of what you have. That’s what I told myself. I’ll grow up, find a job that gives me a pay about 3k, and live the rest of my life maintaining the same state. I tried to peer into the future with this kind of lifestyle, and all I see is lifelessness, a life so void and empty that I wonder if it’s worth living. A life without any goals and purpose is very, very bleak.

Whether for religion, for material, for people, for wealth, it really doesn’t matter. We all need a reason to live. Maybe this is why we are inclined to seek more. It can be more money, more possessions, and more knowledge, more of God.

Maybe philosophically speaking, the reason why people turn to religion, to God is because death takes away the meaning of pursuing anything else. We humans unlike animals can reflect, can see a little of our future. In this future that we see, there is one day when we will all die. It’s inevitable, inescapable. If organisms including us have survival instinct, any willingness to live, that will be almost removed when they realized they will die anyway. For the people chasing after cars and clothes, the acceptance of this reality takes away their reason for living. For them maybe, they won’t want to face it. Religion, on the other hand, promises us extensions of life, allowing us to have a sense of purpose once more.

For me, when I read Dawkin’s The Selfish Gene and The God Delusion, I realize his books threaten to take away not just the existence of God, not just religion and faith, but also the purpose of living in many thousands individuals. There are people who dedicate almost their entire lives to God, and now, they meet a theory, a logical explanation which they cannot argue against except cursing and swearing at the man who started it. I went to the forums of reviews of this book. Disappointedly, I see how people who claim to be Christians not only failing to reject his arguments logically hurling profanities at him, sentencing him to hell in the name of God. In a way, I could understand why, but I can’t help but think that those who do that only succeeded in making him feel triumphant and right.

In the same way, I could understand why people commit suicide. In the past I couldn’t. In my childishness, I thought there was nothing in this world worse than dying. Without a purpose and reason, there’s no point in living at all.

For a rich free-thinker who sees a family only eyeing his wealth, his career and his bank account could all be what’s left for him, of him.

What is then my own purpose in life? In my selfishness, my sinfulness, I suppose I’m trying to seek independence. What’s there after that? God?

When I was half drunk, I remember asking my army friends all that. What’s your purpose in life? What’s happiness? Some of them laughed it off. There are many who are free-thinkers, Buddhists whose teaching of reincarnation is not much difference from death anyway.

I talked to old people now and then. Some of which are people I watched soccer with. One of them can realistically tell me he’s just waiting for death. I guess he has come to a point of time when it’s so near, yet so far. When I am in his shoe one day, will I have any regrets? Will I consider my life to be one filled with happiness?

machines

2007-12-28T20:25:00.001+08:00

Friday, December 28, 2007 T: 20 11

I saw a boy playing with a small game machine today. It’s of course not the boy who fascinated me. The game is all about shooting balls into particular slots, at a price of 20 cents. I watched as he did it over and over again, undaunted until he got it. He did after some time, and walked away with his new toy triumphantly. I wonder how much coins he threw away just to score that victory.

I was like the boy perhaps not too long ago, only that it’s a card machine instead. Weekly, I would spend 10 dollars worth of 20 cents coins to get Streetfigher Cards. In the late nineties, 10 bucks is a lot, especially to a kid.

Come to think of it, from young, kids are given their own versions of slot machines already. Is gambling part of Man’s innate nature? I never have a clue why adults would threw millions into the casino, thousands into the slots, allowing themselves to be legally robbed.

I guess I really don’t understand lots of things anyway.

fairytales

2007-12-06T00:13:00.000+08:00

Wednesday, December 05, 2007 T: 23 49

When I was young, I always love reading fairy tales. Maybe it’s the ‘happily ever after’ that always appeals to me, the idea of true love, the innocence and beauty in the fairytale land. As I grow up, things seem not what I have seen in those stories. There’s no fairyland ending in this reality. Love seems nothing more than two persons making use of each other. Happiness is never lasting, instead only flicker for a few moments. And so I don’t read fairytales anymore, because I think I’ve grown up.

The last two movies that I’ve watched are Stardust and Enchanted. I walked out of the cinema twice wishing the time spent watching this movie has never ended. It would not be the same, watching the movie a second time. I felt if I did get struck down that very moment, I would at least die a happy man.

I don’t read fairytales anymore, but I know I’m addicted to fairytale endings. I suppose it’s what makes our life a bit more hopeful, what that lightens up our lives now and then, what that perhaps grant us a second’s wishful thinking that maybe, just maybe dreams can come true, and we would be living happily ever after.

Sometimes, I think maybe people pursue relationships; things of their desire, people get married, and have children, all in a hope of finding happiness. Sometimes, I can’t help but think that these attempts are futile. Because there will never be a fairytale ending to any of these.

Sometimes, I really feel the pointlessness of listening to sad songs, watching movies with a sad ending. I don’t need reminders of this harsh and cruel world. Maybe all I want is just naïve faith and conviction that dreams can come true.

We are all like Robert Philip in Enchanted actually, resigned, tired and sick of the promises those fairytales tell us. I wish I could be like Giselle, simple and happy.

God delusion or faithless cynicism

2007-11-25T18:02:00.000+08:00

Friday, November 23, 2007 T: 22 51

Out of curiosity, I bought a book by Richard Dawkins titled The God Delusion, hoping to understand the mind of an atheist. It’s not a few hours ago that I finally completed the book, with thoughts tossed around my mind like a whirlwind, now expressed somehow in words.

I used to think that atheists are hopeless absolutists who rejected any glimmer of living happily after death. I could not contemplate why they couldn’t just believe something and at the very least have a lifeline to cling to. But now I realize it makes sense to say that God chooses his followers. Faith is a gift. People can’t simply pick a religion to believe for the sake of it. If they don’t, they don’t. You can’t expect an atheist to have faith in something because to do so would be simply self-deception. I thought I chose to believe in Christ because it is the most logical of all religion, and thus grants me the highest chance of entering paradise. But if I were at all logical, would I even believe in anything? To have faith in a being that has never appear to you save for in an all-time bestseller seems to be completely illogical indeed.

I see what ignites Dawkin’s passion for this topic. He could very well just sit back and continue in research instead of engaging in such a controversial issue and ended up getting cursed by probably the majority of the world. Because when one sees the crusades, the genocides, the death rituals, the terrorists’ attack, one can’t help but wonder if the world will be a better place without religion. It could be argued that of course the instigators did not commit such atrocities for religious purposes, but the people who committed the acts, the followers thought that they were all doing it for a greater cause, for martyrdom. Countries can only achieve peace when governments allow freedom of religion, of thought and faith. But can Christians accept a multi-religion society? I don’t suppose Muslims could as well. But we all compromise in order to live in the same land, achieving a certain degree of peace. When people understand that different people will choose different things because people are just different, we get something more than mutual tolerance in society, and this is mutual acceptance. But what if the world is free from religion? Will the world be a better place?

Is the sinfulness of Man no more than a result of animal survival instinct? Just like organisms compete for resources to survive, we resort to methods which are regarded as dishonest and bad. If so, is the knowledge of goodness only attainable from the Bible, sacred texts and instructions? Dawkins pointed out the idea of the changing moral Zeitgeist, that over time people can become better, more moral and ethical. Our laws now even serve to protect non-sentient creatures, to protect everyone from the victims to the criminals. Maybe our human ability to reflect allow us to imagine the possible pain that others may fell, to put ourselves in others’ shoes, and thus stops us from hurting others because we don’t want to be hurt too. Defenders of faith point us to the growing divorce rate, the fact that people sleep with one another, the acceptance of homosexuality as proof of the world’s decreasing morality. But look, these acts, who do they hurt?

Is Man’s obsession with a higher power just a solution to answer his own questions, to fill the gap in the path towards comprehending the world that he lives in, to remove the certain void and emptiness we feel in our hearts when things surpasses our understanding? Is it because of the hopeful thinking of life after death? Do we think about all this because we have a higher degree of consciousness, the awareness of self which convinces us that we can’t just disappear like that? Is it really general revelation which makes us think that there is a God out there who watches over us, or our ability to reflect causes us to search for meaning and purpose in life and the supernatural God seems to be a very convenient way of answering that. Or maybe there is a God and a Hades so that we can blame something when things go wrong, so that we can do something (e.g. praying) when things go haywire?

Am I a Christian because I’m simply brought up in a Christian family? It is argued of course that growing up in a Christian family doesn’t mean that I’m a follower of Christ. Still, it meant that from young, this version of truth is what that is drilled into me. Do I really have much of a choice? Do children given much of a choice in choosing what to recognize as truth?

It is quite amusing when I read about the prayer experiment in the book. There were 2 dying patients. One has a group of people praying for him. The other does not. They both passed away anyway. What is the function of prayer in religion, to today’s culture? Is our kneeling in supplication really more than some blind hope that things could turn out all right, more than an act we turn to because we really can do nothing else! Can things change because of prayers? As a Christian, I heard people praying for good grades, for finding things, for wealth, for happiness. Will God answer them? After all, it makes sense that no one can be both omniscient and omnipotent at the same time. If you can see the future, you can’t change the things that lead to it. If you can change the present, it means the future that you have seen is not correct anymore. Or once again, am I supposed to accept that it is possible just that I lack the wisdom to see it, like what I’m doing with free will and god’s sovereignty?

It would seem that across all religions there are always scholars to defend critics, to justify whatever flaws that others have suggested. This is true of the Koran, of the Bible. When scientists discover that the world is not made in 7 days, when fossils of dinosaurs were discovered, when Darwin came up with his theory of evolution, the religious world must have been thrown into a frantic desperation to find answers.

Martin Luther wrote:

‘When Moses writes that God created Heaven and Earth and whatever is in them in six days, then let this period continue to have been six days, and do not venture to devise any comment according to which six days were one day. But, if you cannot understand how this could have been done in six days, then grant the Holy Spirit the honor of being more learned than you are. For you are to deal with Scripture in such a way that you bear in mind that God Himself says what is written. But since God is speaking, it is not fitting for you wantonly to turn His Word in the direction you wish to go.

And so are we suppose to accept that science and religions just don’t mix, because we are just too foolish to comprehend the mysteries of this world? And if Luke wrote his letter with historical events so that there is reliability, why not the Old Testament is written more factually so that there is more reliability and truth as well? Never mind that the Bible is compiled by a bunch of people at the Council of Nicea, why is that there are contradictions within it? Why are genealogies of Jesus different in Matthew and Luke? I found some answers on the web, answers which do make sense, but I can’t help but wonder there would be so much increased credibility should they be the same. The same thing goes for the discoveries of the empty tomb. Accounts differ. Am I just supposed to regard such minor details as unimportant and insignificant because the main story lies in Jesus’s death and resurrection?

To deny the existence of God however requires the acceptance that life actually existed in this planet because of sheer luck and fortune, a one in a billion chance. That’s because for life to exist, everything must be just right. And when I say everything, I mean things even as minute as electrons. Air composition must be just right. There must be sufficient but not excessive light. And so the question is can I bear to believe that this work of perfection, the world, is simply the result of chance, and humans exist – I exist – being extremely complex because of chance as well based on Darwin’s theory of evolution? And thus the creationist argues that a supreme designer must exist. Then who design Him? Again, we have no answer. The only process known by us for simple things to become complex is Darwin’s theory of evolution. Is the existence of God more probable than Darwinism?

What makes us human? What made us different from the other animals inhabiting the same planet? Perhaps we are organisms that are not just interested in the ‘what’ question, but also the ‘why’ question. Man is not just interested in how to survive and live, but in the reason and purpose for his existence as well. For some, like Darwin and Einstein, this can be found by being at the fore front of science, to expand the slit in the burka that blinds us from understanding how things work, to catch a glimpse of the many wonders and mysteries of life. For others who view the thought that life exists simply due to sheer chance as absurd, they may find meaning and purposes in the supernatural God, and would even give their lives for Him. But what if like material pursuit, the fascination of science and in the indulgence in religion and the existence of a higher being is nothing more than a chasing after the wind too. Maybe Charles Deveaux in Heroes is right. At the end of the day, all that matters is love, clique-sounding it may be. Scientists could comprehend the mechanics of life, but fail to understand their own children, to be there for them to shape their lives and nurture them into the people they would want them to be. Missionaries travel forward far and wide to tell the good news to others, yet leaving their own family with nothing except for the Holy Word. Yet in a way, they have all found their reason to live. And because of that, who are we to tell them to change? I can stress no further in the importance in believing that everyone has different preferences, and thus entitled to a right to have their own meaning of life, as long as this doesn’t involve hurting others. Dawkins can highlight the extremist acts that some religious fanatics resorted to, and hence condemns religion. But let us not forget that researches can too swoop to drastic measures, including using animal and even human test subjects for cruel and inhuman experiments, all for what they would call the ‘glory of science’! Has Morrie stumbled on the truth, that there is no more to life than living happily, contented, giving selflessly to family and friends?

Sometimes, it seems ironic that I have read a significant number of Christian books, spent countless hours thinking about theological theories only to realize that I seem not closer to the truth that I once was. Friends tell me that perhaps I think too much. Do I? Because when all die, does all this really matter?

I guess I would still call myself a Christian, believe in the Cross. To Richard Dawkins, I may be just an atheist in disguise. To my friends who show me that doubting is not equivalent to not having faith, they may feel I’m still sitting on the chair. The quest for answers to the meaning and purpose of life will never cease. For people who are flexible, they will find that their world view never seems to stop changing. But nonetheless, it’s the process which perhaps allows us to understand ourselves a little better.

the end

2007-10-29T16:15:00.001+08:00

Monday, October 29, 2007 T: 15 48

Not too long ago, a schoolmate of my brother’s has passed away after being knocked down by a car when he was jaywalking. Sometimes, when you really think about it, isn’t it frightening to see how a life can be taken away in the very next moment? It could be anyone, the old man just waiting for his end, or the young ambitious fellow who has still a bright future ahead of him.

I asked myself, ‘Am I prepared for death?’ Perhaps I’m morbid, but I’m no pessimist, but rather a realist. I wish I could say yes to that question. But I can’t. I leave behind no will, no instructions, no last words. And if I were to fall dead right now, this diary that I’ve written for over 10 years would just disappear with the hard-drive.

People might think I’m crazy to think about death at such a young age. But the car-accident said it all. One never knows. Besides, I bet the world will be a better place if everyone lives as though as he or she is living his last. Maybe it’s when we are near death we could see beyond what we thought we might want and see what we really want, that we could see the world like Morrie, contented with the life that we have now currently.

There was this cancer charity show yesterday. To ignite the compassion, generosity in the hearts of the public, it showed video clips of people suffering through their medical treatments. Have I not witness the pain and suffering that my father endured through chemotherapy? I could not understand why the old will want that as well. To me, it seems nothing more than mere short extension of life, a temporal delay to the inevitable. I could comprehend more if the patients are younger fellows, with a longer future, with a family to feed, with commitments.

Maybe that’s why it’s better to be free from commitments and burdens. And if such a thing happens to me, I could leave the world with much lesser worries. In a sense, I do not fear death itself, but the process of it, the physical pain that I’ve to endure, the mental pain that I may have to suffer. People fear death perhaps because they do not know what’s going to happen next. They fear the unknown. I believe in Christ. I know where I’m going. I’m going to meet God. The question is if God will call me to be with him, or condemn me to eternal isolation. That once again brings me back to the question I ask earlier, ‘am I prepared to die?’

Sorry to spoil your day, but I wonder if you are too.

a poster i found.

2007-10-17T20:44:00.001+08:00

肚量大一点，嘴巴甜一点

行动快一点，效率高一点

脑筋活一点，理由少一点

做事多一点，脾气小一点

说话轻一点，微笑露一点

语言似箭，不可轻发

一经入耳，有力难拔

From a more mundane point of view, this seems to be the rules of living a happier and contented life.

Words are powerful, but it would be folly to be concerned about the tongues of men.

birds

2007-10-14T21:24:00.000+08:00

I watched the small cage of little birds intently. There were about 20 of them all cramped up in the small enclosure. Some darted repeatedly at the metal bars, hoping to break free. Others simply perched themselves on the sticks, perhaps resigned to their fates. It must be terrible, staring into the open sky, knowing that you belong to a greater place, but yet unable to. But if they ever get set free, will they miss the days when food always is present, when they do not have to fend for themselves? Peering at the world through my little keyhole, I should be contented that at least I can see.

Besides this cage of birds is another which houses a bunch of lovebirds. They were in pairs, standing besides each other, contented and pleased to have each other. They do not seek to get out. Maybe for a relationship to works, it takes more than just commitment. Each must learn to enjoy and appreciate the company of their partner. This is in light of a movie I watch today. Before Sunset is a great movie.

new liberal thinking

2007-10-13T21:04:00.000+08:00

I often think that this new liberal thinking in the 21^st century is what that will bring peace to the world, that it is good because it helps everyone to accept one another for who they are and what they believe in. Although of course it may not be a right mindset from a Christian point of view, but at least it does stop all unnecessary massacres, genocides, crusades and jihads from occurring.

However, sadly, this liberal thinking seems to have put aside values which have been highly regarded and esteemed in the past to satisfy the instant gratification and materialism that today’s people seek. As our technology progresses, our morals and humanity seem to have digressed. I never really understood how purity and chastity gradually loses their importance in society today. And as we become increasingly educated, the increase in eloquence simply allows us to put up false fronts and fix smiles on our faces.

Perhaps as the world becomes flatter, the heart of man becomes harder as well.

complaints and appreciation for kids.

2007-09-30T16:17:00.001+08:00

Sunday, September 30, 2007 T: 15 00

Have you ever wondered why toddlers learn how to stand and walk on two legs, and stop crawling after a certain age?

Every Sunday service, being a person who is always tardy, I would sit at the back of the hall, together with the new parents and their babies. Often I found myself really annoyed with those kids, especially when they start crying. Oops, they do not cry; they wail, as if the whole world owes them a living or something. There are many a times when the slight murderous intent comes trickling into my mind, before a more rationale acceptance that they are after all children with no other ways of expressing themselves (hey, I have no way of expressing my frustration too!). I found myself wondering how the speakers could tolerate this. If I were them, I think I really feel like screaming at them to just ‘shut up’! I found myself amused at the parents – the frantic way with which they use to persuade the little fellows to calmness amidst the reproaching stares from people like me – wondering why the hell they allow themselves to be at the mercy of their own children, suffering the humiliation and embarrassment while the toddlers cry as if the entire ceiling is going to collapse (it’s very possible I believe if the kids all cry together, and thus I’m really thankful for the lacking of the herd instinct at that age). I think if I found myself ever in such circumstance, I would really pretend I don’t know him and let others attend to the dumb kids.

Nevertheless, there are times when I found myself really fascinated with them. No, I do not gush over them because they are cute or adorable like many women seem to be fond to. I mean hey, if I’m that kid with a more intelligent mind and stronger limbs, I’ll damn well make sure I’ll pull their cheeks too. Instead, I found myself interested in how these little fellows try to make sense of their world, of the environment that they are in. To me, these ‘creatures’ are the epitome of innocence and purity, as well as ignorance and stupidity. They do not know anything, and it’s the process of their learning which I’m enticed by. I could imagine the high rpm of their brains churning to understand the things happening around them. I could picture the high rate of new synapses form in their brain as they attempt to remember what’s good and what’s bad for them. I realize that honestly they could never be bored, because everything is new to them – they see colors, they hear music, they feel things, they smell perfumes. Everything seems part of a magical world to them. Today as I see the little girl toddler tiring herself out to walk in the aisle, clinging and learning on to everything (from the chairs to the legs of strangers to the guiding hand of the mother), I wonder why she’s exhausting herself. I think it’s not just imitating the adults, the other people, but also to satisfy her curiosity, that she can see a lot more things that way, that she can reach out for more things in a upright position, that she has an increased accessibility. It’s not before long before dropping to the ground to cover the greater distances, but she’ll stand up again upon reaching her destination. She wants new things, new toys to play with. A packet of tissue paper in her hand can grab her attention for sometimes. A bottle of water can tempt her to cover the huge distance to reach the mother. Is this sign of the human condition, that we always want things, yearn for things without really knowing why we are doing so, things which maybe others tell us, hint to us that they will be interesting and attractive. I saw the three toddlers gathering together, checking each other out. In their undeveloped mind, they seem able to still see similarities in each other, and their childish hunger for comprehension must have spur them to attempt to find out why. I remember kittens and puppies are probably like that as well, curious, all ready to make sense of their environments, even if they meant venturing into the unknown.

Today, I as a nineteen year old guy wonder what it is like to be at that young age. As I grow up, I have come to understand that the more that I know, the more unhappiness I will too get to know about. My environment, no longer new, becomes just a boring comfort zone. Despite the dullness, there are always fears to walking into new land, worries and concern that would have never fazed the toddler. Perhaps in a way, these little children appreciate the world much more than I do.

I know I must be getting old when babies are beginning to appear in the wombs of my friends, in the arms of my peers. In a couple of years’ time, they will running around their legs, much to my irritation (I spent a fraction of my life in fear that I’ll knock them over, exasperated that 1. they got no sense of direction 2. they got no traffic rules 3. they are blind 4. they need not care). In no time, they will be teenagers, young adults like I once am, adding on to the concerns and worries of their parents. It is amazing how time flies.

Life after all is a miracle. There is no scientific explanation for life, how minute atoms and molecules breathe life into a being. And so, I will never hesitate to offer my congratulations to my friends, along with a ‘good luck!’

Indeed, parenting is not easy. On a desk of a Kuo Chuan Presbytarian classroom, I was quite surprised to see the bold words of ‘It’s My Life. Don’t Try to Change It’. I did not expect such a clear expression of it. It’s funny always how children always fret over how adults don’t understand them, and vice versa. Maybe it’s the human condition that we always fail to put ourselves on the shoes of others. Even so, we might not comprehend everything.

Still, I have my own suggestions. I’m not saying they are really helpful of course. I’m just offering them because I’m conjuring scenarios and possibilities. Perfect situations and circumstances don’t exist after all. There no 100% method because everyone’s different.

1. Humility (it’s difficult for a parent to apologize to a child, even when it’s the adult’s fault. I know I won’t, but I’m not a parent!) 2. Keeping promises no matter what. If you think you can’t keep it, then don’t make it. Remember the movie the pursuit of happyness? I’m really impressed with how Will Smith always use words ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’, much to the frustration of the kid, but at least he knows his father won’t lie. 3. Don’t compare. 4. Remember. Relationships only work when we remember and not

I can’t think of anything else, but you can add on to the list yourself.

In any case, I think I’m still going to be thinking of slaughtering the next kid who wail in front of me. But that does not mean I lack respect for them. After all, they are able to see the world in a way I do not. Damn, I think I’m contradicting myself, haha.

--------------- end --------------------

Keeevin: Thanks for the comment. I think I never come across the 1 John 4 verse before, but I think it might help. But does not that mean we love God just by loving our neighbor? So do we love God himself?

religion?

2007-09-23T16:41:00.000+08:00

Sunday, September 23, 2007 T: 15 21

I just found myself in a crisis at this point of life.

In the Bible, much is often said about the ancient people worshipping idols they made themselves. Indeed, as a modern educated person in this 21^st century, one can hardly conceive why they actually do so. It seems to be really stupid, especially when one reads in the Bible that the Lord himself actually spoke to them time and time again. But psychologists today may be able to point out people’s innate need for a tangible higher-being. I recall reading an article a few years back which identifies the purpose of religion. It allows people to hope, to have someone or something that they can commit their burdens to without compromising their own pride. Religion provides a standard guideline for people to live their lives, a standard which its followers would agree upon and thus be united. When I consider the rising charismatic movement which preaches about the more loving and personal God in place of the righteous and fearsome God, I wonder if too Christianity is just another religion, conceived by men so that men could be inspired by it, so that men could identify with it.

Coincidentally, it seems that many people turn to God when they are in need isn’t it? People begin questioning the meaning of life, grasping whatever strands of hope, following whatever glimmers of light when they are on their deathbeds. A ministry can be set up easily among people wallowing in their own darkness. Believers reach out through the Yellow Ribbon Project, through evangelism in regions suffering from poverty, and give them the hope to live on. Is Christianity, like other religions, just something to help satisfy people’s need for something to hope and look forward to?

What if all that stuff that I learn in church ain’t true? What if something else is true? Why do I choose to believe in the death and resurrection of Christ? Do I simply fear going to hell, fear the eternal suffering that I’ll be destined for if I ever choose to be an unbeliever? Suddenly, it seems better to be a dog. For them at the very least, death is an end itself. They never have to be concerned the possibilities of an afterlife. What if there is no God in the end? I guess it won’t matter because I would lose nothing anyway.

But I could not dismiss the fact that I’m living in a perfect world (environment). I refuse to believe that the Golden ratio exists due to mere coincidence and not a result of a designer’s vision. I refuse to believe that the difference ratio of elements and substances in this world, calculated to a very specific numerical value required to sustain life exists due to some random evolution. I could not dismiss the fact that 3 main faiths in this world share a common Old Testament. I could not dismiss the archaeological and historical evidence that supported the truth of Christianity. I did not read a number of theological and historical books to fall away (if that is possible). I did not spend half my life searching for answers to my faith to have it destroyed and given up. But something just doesn’t click, despite my months of attempts to reconcile and even ignore it.

How do you love a person you fear? It’s like Theodore Bagwell (Prison Break 2) trying to get the woman and her children he love to love him. The woman knows very well that he won’t hurt her and the children, but still cannot come to terms with his past. How do you love a person who you do not know? The Bible has stated His great love and righteous. But what sort of God created a bunch of people who have free will but are subjected to his will? What sort of God would adopt us as sons only to tell us that we are created for His own son? What sort of God would turn away from Jews who continue to believe in His existence (but not of the Trinity) and follow his decrees and laws and continue to do good? I’m not talking about the Pharisees here, but just Jews who are as humble but stubborn and loyal only enough to only believe in the Old Testament. Have you read Tuesday with Morrie? Here is a professor who probably has sufficient ‘human’ wisdom to see past the pursuits of this mundane world and inspire hundreds while he is dying. But he is destined for hell. And if I am to land up in hell, would it really be my dishonor to suffer with people like him, doctors and philanthropists who dedicate more than half their lives in helping others? And if I am to get to heaven and be good, would I be myself?

I used to be able to sing during song sessions, to be able to sing of His great love and grace when I was younger. But as I grew up, I find myself to be increasingly cynical. Things seem not to be as simple as they once appear to be. I found myself in Christian concerts with a gigantic congregation singing and praising the Lord, only to look at the rest of the people and wonder, hell do they even know what they are singing? Do I know what I’m singing? Do I understand the gospel, the faith which I’ve stood by for the last decade or so? The realization that my faith probably stems from the fear of God just confuses me.

I found myself growing tired of bible studies and sermons. I don’t need history lessons of the Old Testament. I don’t need Paul’s instructions in teaching how to treat people, relating to other people, to not end up in lawsuits and all. Because everything can be easily summarized by the word ‘love’. And the essence of love is easily summarized by Corinthians 13, and we would do very well indeed if we follow that in everything we do. I know how I should live my life, but I want to know is how I can live it! What I need is more and more perseverance!

Against a logical mind, I choose to continue in my Christian faith. It seems to be by a process of elimination, but I pray God will still open the door for me anyway. I reject the statement that Christianity is a religion. I think I will spend the rest of my entire life still searching for answers.

indefinite

2007-09-02T12:11:00.001+08:00

Sunday, September 02, 2007 T: 10 57

For me, it really sucks to be without a destination, without knowing the goal, the end point. It sucks not to know the finishing line when I run. I suppose it’s because there seems to be nothing to look forward to. Facing a path that never seems to end, hope and morale gradually decreased. Moments of doubt appear, and it’s not before long they are sufficient to destroy all desires to persevere, and I gave up.

I realize I’m pretty aimless in my life. And sometimes, I really feel I don’t know when I’m going. I tell myself to let nature takes its course, but I’m not entirely convinced by it, because the last minute decisions often left me in chaos. It’s like cycling without knowing a route. I find myself often busy thinking which direction to turn, often only deciding at the last second, only to turn and then realize the other way might be better. In the end, I spent so much time and effort to achieve nothing. Maybe the responsibility that comes with every decision is too much for me to bear, and I try to avoid it unless I’m without a choice.

Do I really know what I want in my life?

Throughout my school-life, I never really had a specific objective. I did whatever I could do, whatever I could enjoy myself and yet not regret. When secondary school education required me to choose a subject combination, I chose something which enables me to do anything in junior college. For JC, I chose subjects that will allow me to do anything in University as well. And when the time comes for me to choose my course for my tertiary education, I choose Accountancy – something I think I’ll survive with for the rest of my life, something which I have not much idea what it is about. In my work, both as a sound crew member and today an armor technician I avoid giving the definite, only talking about the probable. I hate confirming and the certain ‘yes’; and prefer the flexible ‘perhaps’ and ‘maybe’. I guess it always gives me an escape route, a backdoor just in case. Then I won’t be faulted on making blunders, won’t be going back on my word and failing in my promises. I seldom promise, unless it’s things I’m really certain about.

In my life perspective, I try not to give a stand in issues, especially debatable ones. I believe all different opinions can be reconciled by relativism – different people, different upbringing, personality and environment – and thus everybody’s right. There is no fixed line drawn between right and wrong, rather it is just established by the consensus of the majority in that particular society. After all, the mafia regime can have as much peace and order as today’s legal democratic world with all its written laws. Truth is definite, but seldom are we able to find it, because it’s that easily distorted. I think life as a chameleon is easier than that of a tiger. The latter may be able to hold its ground for a while, but never forever, because we are not eternal.

I told myself I’ll rear pets one day, only to understand today I’m not the type of people to commit to anything. I change my mind too often. Tying a person down with burdens is no different from caging a bird. Liberty and independence are vital to grant room to change, to adapt, and fit into any environment.

And so do I really know what I want with my life? I doubt so. There are moments in my life when I dreamt about luxurious cars and gigantic mansions, others when I’m just contented enjoying a cup of coffee at the coffee-shop downstairs. Maybe I think the knowledge of the destination after life is more than sufficient. After all, while I’m not in hot pursuit of anything, God has taken me this far. Let Him take me another 2/3 of a lifetime longer. After all, everything that I could achieve lasts no longer than a fleeting lifetime.

it is sufficient

2007-08-26T14:24:00.000+08:00

Sunday, August 26, 2007 T: 13 45

At the age of nineteen, I found that my friends are getting car licenses, that some are driving their dad’s car, that some even have their own cars. Conversations are no longer about toy cars, but about vehicles capable of transporting people on the road, cars worth more than my flat. There are always rumors about rich people with their huge mansions and luxurious sedans. I hear how people could afford to get places in universities with the scholarships provided by their parents, how people could get overseas for their education. It would seem as though everything I am required to work hard for, people could get it with a vocal request. It’s not before long I found myself envying the rich, hankering after their wealth and possessions, dreaming about my own sports car, my own bungalow.

But as I was eating my $3 prawn mee earlier this afternoon, I was reminded that I was about as satisfied as the man eating cavalier at the same moment. As I ate my breakfast in shirt and shorts I slept in, I was probably as comfortable as people dressed in Levi’s jeans and branded clothes. As I cycled around my neighborhood scouting for food everyday, I was probably as happy as the guy zooming about in his Ferrari. There’s something exhilarating about riding at peak speed, feeling the wind against me, thinking of what I’m going to do next in my life, about people, about crushes. There’s something warm about able to connect with the older people in the coffee shop, talking about football and about bicycles. It dawns on me that I have asked for everything knowing that I lack nothing, and I relish the freedom this realization have brought.

I wished if I do ever become an account in the future, I would not let the figures get into my head, that I could be as happy and free as that very moment, house or no house, car or no car, family or no family. Let the world go chase after their material pursuit, while I take a longer break to enjoy my sleep. I guess God in creating us have already given us things to be elated about. I mean there’s nothing nicer than a good night’s sleep, nothing more magical that our gift of sight, nothing more valuable and warm than the gift of touch.

Currently, I’m reading a book by Joseph Stigiltz titled Globalization and Its Discontents. It’s difficult to govern a country, to manage an economy. There are so many brilliant minds at work, and yet no one could come up with a solution. Because to eradicate poverty, there needs to be not only leaders who are not only selfless and objective, there must also be people who must plan policies which other people will not take advantage of. Sometimes, it gets really tiring in this imperfect world. If only everyone knows how to be contented, then perhaps everything will work out fine. But this world is light years away from ideal, but let us as individuals as starters, just be appreciative of what we have.

p.s. i think i always never reply to comments posted on my blog. but let it be known that i read them, and never cease to be thankful for and encouraged by them.

19 minutes: thoughts & reflections

2007-08-13T13:32:00.000+08:00

Monday, August 13, 2007 T: 13 31

Maybe at some point in life, we will come to a point when we’ll question the reason for our existence, found ourselves in a self-identity crisis, and wonder who we are. I heard people talking about being ‘myself’. But I can’t help but wonder who ‘myself’ is. Is my personality a result of the expression of my genetic code, stimulated and changed accordingly to the environments that I have been in? As people, we all want to be popular; we seek the friendships of the more famous people; we want to feel that sense of belonging. After all, ‘teenage life is about fitting in, not standing out.’ And because of this, I’m without doubts that my character is shaped by the different cliques that I have been in. It’s difficult to be different. Because to be different might mean to have the whole world looking at you and start commenting what a freak you are; because being different will cause you to be stared at. And so we change to be assimilated into the social circle, or rather we adapt ourselves to suit the different environment, and unconsciously, that became part of us. I guess I don’t know ‘what color a chameleon was before it started changing’ as well. Is adolescence any easier than adult life? Adults would think not, that nothing could compare to the stress that they are not going, but they fail to realize maybe they have found their own answers to who they are.

Perhaps the question of who we are can be answered by our value of our existence; at least there are people who think this way. Lots of us may have contemplated suicide before. 25% of the kids in Shanghai do. I had too. There is of course a major difference between thinking about it and committing it, but I ponder if I just didn’t do so because I simply have no guts to do it, or I could see that silver lining in the clouds in the midst of darkness. I doubt it’s the latter. Maybe it is religion, that I fear being condemned to eternal isolation. But that don’t answer why people think about it. Maybe we thought we could find out the value of ourselves when we die. We want to know if there are people who will go to our funeral. We want to know how much difference we make. We want to know whether we will be remembered. Of course, there are some who just want to escape from reality. (That being said, there are people who wonder why people would have the courage to jump down the building, and yet could not face the obstacle in front of them. I was one of them, until I realize people fear pain rather than death itself, eternal suffering rather than that short instance of ultimate agony.) I guess what we didn’t know is that all these mundane things don’t matter anymore when we die; that the answers to all the question we seek is not of any value anymore. What we didn’t know is that time has a powerful way of making memories of you fade away so naturally. With time, the one who dies may be nothing more than a name tucked behind in the vast oceans of memories in the minds of many. Society has an eerie way of replacing anyone who has been lost. It’s that easy, that quickly. Sure, we could remember the heroes, the contributors by naming roads and streets after them. But after a while, they are nothing but mere road and street names. LKY, for all his immense and brilliant contribution to our country, is that easily replaced. Soon, he may be remembered for bringing a country from a developing country to a first world nation in 30 years, and people won’t know who he really is. And with time, he will too be forgotten. What people didn’t know is that they would be life after death, a next phase of life that is definitely much longer than the average 70 years we spent on this planet. Peter Houghton in the novel had the boldness to end his life, but what did he achieve in the end?

And if I get to heaven, and I become good, will I be myself then?

I know nuts about parenthood. Hey, I’m just a kid. But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it all the same. Reading all these books, understanding my teenage self, I tried to imagine what a perfect father and mother ought to be, and the teaching methods they should employ to guide their sons and daughters well, to earn their friendships and respect, and not cause the huge alienation and gap often prevalent in today’s families. But when I come to think of it, there’s not really a textbook way of parenting children, is there? Each individual differ. The environments they are in differ. Their responses, sensitivity and maturity differ. They need their own room to sort things out for themselves, to come up with their own discernment and value system, and yet could not be granted too much room lest they go astray. It’s almost impossible enough to find that difference. There are not really any fixed answers, just like that’s no one solution for a developing country to move on and eradicate poverty. What works for one may not work for another. I guess what parents could do is to do their best and hope for the best.

Lewis and Lacy Houghton must have gone through a huge internal turmoil when they look at their elder son who indulged in drugs, their youngest shot for massacring in his school. The British parents of the terrorists who bombed the subways may be wondering what have gone wrong. They blame themselves, and their lives probably would be filled with self-reproach for the rest of their lives. Somehow, I feel sorry for the parents of murders and serial rapists. It sucks that so many things could go out of our control so easily, that diligence may not bring the desired result. What do they exactly feel? Did they ever foresee such a situation one day? I think I’ll never be able to contemplate the intensity of their sorrow when they are put on the witness stand trying to say something good about their sons or daughters who commit such atrocities. They never saw that coming. After all, ‘when you look into your baby’s eyes, you see everything you hope they can be, not everything you wish they won’t become.’ Maybe that’s when it’s really possible to hate and love a person at the same time. What my pastor mentioned last Sunday really make sense. The antonym of love is not hate. It is indifference.

I mentioned in my previous entry of that doggy unconditional love that humans seem not able to show. It struck me when I was reading the book that a parent’s love is probably something closest to that. A father or mother sees beyond the looks, the IQ, of their sons and daughters.

Kevin told me that he saw a significant number of teenagers reading this book. I think this novel probably relates a lot to adolescence, and a lot could identify with the characters in the story. The questions Picoult asks tags at our heartstrings, and we find ourselves trying to answer them for ourselves. It’s about finding ourselves, about peer pressure. But the question is what do we do after we finish the book? Do we just put aside the novel which we could very well connect to, or do we start examining our own lives, and ask who we truly are? Do we continue to build our happiness and entertainment on the sorrow and pain of others, continue to root our popularity on the ostracization of the weaker ones? Could we dare to break of our comfort zones sometimes?

We are called to stand out in this crazy world, to be sojourners on this short journey. I think we need not bother about finding out who we are when the Bible already tells us. We are called to deny self and embrace others. Do we?

marley & me

2007-08-05T20:35:00.000+08:00

Sunday, August 05, 2007 T: 18 48

“It was an amazing concept that I was only now, in the wake of his death, fully absorbing: Marley as a mentor. As teacher and role model. Was it possible for a dog – any dog, but especially a nutty, wild uncontrollable one like ours – to point humans to the things that really mattered in life? I believed it was. Loyalty. Courage. Devotion. Simplicity. Joy. And the things that did not matter, to. A dog has no use for fancy cars or big homes or designer clothes. Status symbols mean nothing to him. A waterlogged stick will do fine. A dog judges others not by their color or creed or class but by who they are inside. A dog doesn’t care if you are rich or poor, educated or illiterate, clever or dull. Give him your heart, and he will give you his. It was really quite simple, and yet we humans, so much wiser and more sophisticated, have always trouble figuring out what really counts and what does not.” – John Grogan, Marley &Me

I think I made a fool of myself in a MRT. It’s not often one sees a grown up guy, standing 6 foot tall, reading a book, with a pair of earphones in his ears, with tears welling up his eyes, sliding down his cheeks every now and then. I could feel the curious looks, but I think I was quite engrossed in the book. A part of me wanted to finish the book to the end and be done and satisfied with it. A part of me wanted to just rush through the ending, even stop reading, because I simply could not stop the tears from accumulating in my eyes, from clouding my vision every other minute.

But I’m not ashamed of myself. After all, here is a book which describes a dog who knows boundless love, who knows how to give, who know people probably better than sometimes we ourselves do. Here’s an author who could gallantly recounted he had cried over his dead dog. Here’s a lovely recount of the dog who knows the meaning of loyalty and devotion, selflessness and happiness.

I have met people who enjoy calling other people ‘dogs’. To them, I feel like retorting, “I wish I’m a dog as well!’ and see their astonished faces, laughing at their failed attempts in verbally assaulting me. I meant that. I wish I’m a dog. I want to be carefree, to be like Marley, to not fear letting the world know my feelings. I want to be able to do anything when I’m elated and ecstatic and not cramp my feelings of euphoria in me, in order to still be able to proclaim myself sane. It is them who really knows how to love, how to show their affection to the people, to others who they enjoy being with. They know no shame as they lurch at their owners in public, licking them to death. They know no shame when they tear away with a shoe enough. They understood loyalty. Dog owners would know they will always have someone who will miss them, who will think of them when they are not around. Like what Grogan has wrote, they will give their hearts to whoever who give them theirs. They do not backstab. Sometimes, I wonder if they can love more than us humans. Dogs need not worry about not going to heaven, because they do not worry about going to hell either. And if they got good owners, they will leave this world knowing they have spend a great majority of their life loving and be loved; they will leave this world having experienced true love. At least I’m sure Marley must have.

And so here’s to John Grogan and Marley for sharing with us their love story. Here’s to the dogs who can express themselves without shame, who in a doggy sense know the meaning of unconditional love and forgiveness, who have given their owners and handlers a time of their lives and teach us that sometimes there’s really something more to the paper and money chase.

Indignation 2007: Kissing

2007-08-03T19:29:00.001+08:00

Friday, August 03, 2007 T: 18 59

In a blog http://singabloodypore.rsfblog.org, there is an article regarding the banning an exhibition of photographs depicting gays and lesbians kissing. The mere idea of people actually wanting to do such an exhibition appalls me. What frustrate me further are the comments to that blog entry which convey the anger at the government in media control. I do not think this is anymore an issue about the strict media control in Singapore. Rather, it got to do with doing what is right and what is wrong. Do parents honestly want their children to have homosexual tendencies? If people could say ‘yes’, then I have nothing to say. If not, why even create an environment which may encourage and promote such behavior for the sake of media freedom?

I often think that the increasing liberalization may bring greater peace to the world. To me, it is this that allows people of different races to live together, whether in harmony or simply mutual tolerance. I believe that each individual will have a right to choose what they want to do. But when actions or activities cross the moral line, I think we will have a problem. Indeed, it saddens me that the world is beginning to condone what I would regard as unnatural relationships. Of course, it’s easier for me to say because I’m heterosexual. But I think everyone has a vague idea of what is right and what is wrong, what is natural and what is unnatural. It is when people ignore all moral concerns for the sake of pleasure, will the world be thrown into chaos.

It is just like we won’t allow people to commit suicide, won’t allow people to have sexual relationships with minors, won’t allow children to watch too much violent shows, won’t allow mercy killing. It is not about denying freedom. It’s about doing what’s right; it’s about parenting 4 million people in this country. In this case, I will support the censorship board, the government of Singapore .

foolishness

2007-07-31T23:06:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 T: 22 11

One can always see the little acts of kindness happening around us, touched and surprised at the sparks of goodness, only to turn around in the next moment to see the harsh and competitive other side of reality. Sometimes, it gets really disappointing to see the utter selfishness and self-righteousness dominant in our society. Working relationships can seem to be just supported by pillars of hypocrisy, pretence and sycophantism. Personal attacks could happen all the time, found in almost perpetual gossiping and criticism. People never fail to leap to conclusions to condemn, to put down a person, often based on that few moments’ experience, that few seconds of sight. And to make matters worse, why does that world seems to welcome such behavior?

Why will people not feel guilty in exploiting the weak, in taking advantage of others? We all progress in our wealth, our knowledge, our education, but seem to have digressed in our humanity, our morals. I tried hard not to contribute to gossip, but have I not an avid interest in idle talk? Similarly, have I not found myself perpetrator of the crime – to criticize and to judge – even though I absolutely hate it when I’m the victim?

People always say that the government is ‘f*** up’, or the army is ‘f*** up’ (quoting what I always heard), full of unproductive policies and instructions, causing a great loss of man-hours and tax-payers’ money. But I think the organizations is as screwed up as almost everyone on this planet, and the policies are held in place only to prevent others from taking advantage, in the end creating what we consider to be an ineffective system. I thought about the inherent good or evil in humans in my previous entry, but I think it’s these several months in the army that my naïve perception of people got changed, made right. It’s disturbing to hear the self-centered concerns of people, to hear sometimes how even girls can be just simply reduced to beauty and breasts. I dare not say I have not lust, but the increasingly liberal society never fails to shock me. I keep reminding myself I’m a Christian, keep reminding myself I should not talk bad of others, I should always love, I should always be positive, and I know I keep struggling. I know a Christian friend who probably loves much more than me. At the same time, I see how he seems to be always taken advantage of. I never stop wondering why people have the heart to do it, never stop wondering if I’m going to be like that. When I go out to work, will it going to be like that too? Will it going to be worse?

I’m no angel; I am a sinner. I tried to be good because I hope that the world can see this bunch of people who believes in the life of Jesus Christ and see that inspired goodness in them. At the very least, this can be a motivation. But somehow, I realize this is so often not the case. By doing just a little bad, I have undone all that I tried to do. By being nice, those few friends of mine could get taken advantage of. Because not all people who claim to be Christians behave the same way. I don’t think the world is going to see Christians as some really nice people. Rather, what they see in that handful of people who do not walk along the paths of this world is perhaps a bunch of fools who have a little too much faith. Right now, people are questioning the foolishness of the group of South Koreans who went to Afghanistan to do both medical and missionary work. In the end, captured by the Taliban, the political world has been torn once again into chaos, and international tension has once again escalated. Some say that they are fools, that they should think of the implications before making such bold decisions, although they are fuelled by good will. And who can say they are fools? Perhaps the world. But to me, it is them who have the wisdom of the Lord – the love of God – to reach out into a chaotic nation. To me, even if they have lost their lives, who can say they have not touched the hearts of a minute minority? Who can say they have not pioneer the way for other Christians to follow in their footsteps? After all, God has a plan for Jim Elliot, although he did not even talk to the cannibals specifically. I believe that God has a plan, that He will not let his sons and daughters die in vain. Maybe it’s something we now could not see, but that’s only because we are not God. I think it will be my honor to be damned as a fool by the people in this world, if those people can start wondering why I choose to be a fool whether in the present or future. I think I can boast of nothing in this materialistic society, except in my own disgrace.

Poem of Promise

In the bulb there is a flower;

In the seed, an apple tree;

In the cocoons, a hidden promise;

Butterflies will soon be free!

In the cold and snow of winter

There’s a spring that waits to be,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

There’s a song in every silence,

Seeking words and melody,

There’s a dawn in every darkness;

Bringing hope to you and me.

From the past will comes a future;

What it holds a mystery.

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

In our end is our beginning;

In our time, infinity;

In our doubt there is believing,

In our life, eternity.

In our death, a resurrection;

At the last, a victory,

Unrevealed until its season,

Something God alone can see.

~Natalie Sleeth~

the cat

2007-07-29T15:15:00.001+08:00

Sunday, July 29, 2007 T: 14 51

I was returning home today after church service when I spotted a cat along the pavement of Bishan St 13. It was totally drenched, trembling while it remain stationary, somehow unable to find the strength to lift its head up. It did after a while, and limped in circles however, with no actual destination, perhaps in a feeble attempt to keep warm. I remain rooted to the ground. A part of me wanted just go carry on since I could not do anything much, the other half knew that I could not leave it just alone like that. I went to the hawker center and bought a chicken pau, hoping that eating would grant him sufficient strength. My fool’s hope was dashed when the meat is totally ignored. I knew it was in too much in agony, too weak to eat anyway.

Fortunately, there was another passer-by who shared the same compassion for the helpless creature, who probably was more useful than the helpless me anyway. He found out SPCA hotline and reported it. We started talking as we waited for the SPCA personnel to arrive.

Throughout the half hour wait, there were many who stopped when they saw the cat. There were the old, the young, the Chinese, the Malays, the men, and the women. In a way I was quite touched and encouraged to see the diversity of the people who stopped and actually thought if they could do anything. We are after all humans, living in this world with all these other animals. There is that bit of humanity in this hectic world after all.

For me, living in this temporal world created by God, living with the creatures created to keep us company, I think the least I can do is to ensure they deserve easier deaths. It got taken away by the van, struggled with its last ounce of strength when it got carried into the cage, but at least there will be medical care for it soon. And if it got put to sleep, then at least it needs to suffer no longer. It could rest in peace, and I could know that I have done a little bit for this poor soul.

grey areas, just something to think abt

2007-07-14T17:10:00.000+08:00

“Danny Archer: Sometimes I wonder... will God ever forgive us for what we've done to each other? Then I look around and I realize... God left this place a long time ago.”

“Danny Archer: So you think because your intentions are good, they'll spare you, huh?
Benjamin Kapanay: My heart always told me that people are inherently good. My experience suggests otherwise. But what about you, Mr. Archer? In your long career as a journalist, would you say that people are mostly good?
Danny Archer: No. I'd say they're just people.
Benjamin Kapanay: Exactly. It is what they do that makes them good or bad. A moment of love, even in a bad man, can give meaning to a life. None of us knows whose path will lead us to God.”

Sometimes, I really want to believe that there is an innate good in men, that there is a little spark that can will us to overcome our own selfishness and greed. I really want to believe that if given a choice, we would choose light instead of darkness. I want to believe that there is a certain conscience in us which can will us to accept the general revelation given to us. I want to believe that there has to be a place between Calvin and Wesley’s theologies that will enable us to choose without compromising God’s sovereignty. But even so, if that is possible, will man choose to seek God or just fulfill his self-indulgent desires?

As I watch Blood Diamond, made aware of the atrocities that were being executed, I could almost give up any hope of the existence of goodness in men. Though it is just a movie, the travesties portrayed in the 2 hour show are not just baseless exaggerations. I could not fathom how adults can make use of children to fight their war, brainwashing them in order to gain an advantage – after all, if you and I are humans, we would hesitate before pumping a bullet in their chests. They are just children; they do not know what the hell they are doing. It gives a chilling meaning to the word ‘infant-ry’ isn’t it? Neither can I really know how much help, if any, have the rich nations provide to the poor African countries. Globalization as a means to help these countries get out of the poverty cycle appears to be nothing more than a mere front to hide their agenda of getting more natural resources. Do those politicians really care about the life or death of the third world nations? They claim that they are providing employment, those MNCs, sounding as if they are some kind of philanthropists. But in reality, did they not benefit millions because they pay meager wages for the labor, because the resources gotten from these countries can be value-added by a few times? Do the weapon industries and arm dealers in the western countries really care who they are selling their weapons to, and what they are used for, when they can very well expand their markets and survive, if not thrive, in the highly competitive economic world? Perhaps to the diamond industries, conflict diamonds are no different than non-conflict ones. Every second of our lives, people murder each other. Civil wars till today are no rare sights. Why do we kill each other? Like Danny Archer, I tried to imagine what God would feel when He sees his creation massacring each other, when he first sees how Cain killed Abel? It must be heart-wrenching; He must have been grief-stricken.

But I cannot overlook the fact that billions of dollars are still poured out to help the poor nations all the same, despite the fact that a considerable fraction of it disappears due to corruption. I can see how countries are more than willing to send in peace-keeping forces to stifle civil unrest, to prevent war from breaking out, allowing diplomatic talks to proceed. I can see how much foodstuffs America and China are sending to North Korea, to relieve the famine and food shortage that the people there suffer, although they may not very much agree with the style of government in that country. I cannot ignore the fact that millions of dollars are given to help other nations recover from natural disasters. In the end, I found myself more confused than ever regarding the human condition. Should the west intervene? Are not the people glad to see when foreigners step into their land to prevent further bloodshed?

I look at myself, my own life and each very individual. Am I not always inclined for be first concerned for my own needs, my welfare and my being? When I help others, do I not first think about the trouble I would have to go through, and desire at the very least for my help to be known to others? Do I not feel the pinch first when I give? Is my first inclination selfish and thus sinful? I am after all quick to anger, to be frustrated and irritated, but slow to forgive and to be patient. I am quick to criticize, to scold but slow to praise and compliment. Can anyone dare say he will always put the concerns of others first?

But the world is not as cold-hearted as it seems although populated by millions who will initially think of themselves first. There are employers who rather hire people who are disabled, whose health isn’t as fit as a normal person. When SARS break out, did we not see a bunch of healthcare workers, doctors and nurses boldly serve their patients? Do we not see people who are more than willing to pledge a sum of money to NKF each month? And these people, they are all from different backgrounds, of different religions, faiths and beliefs. Although my first thought when I decide to help others is how I will be inconvenienced, I still carry on helping others.

We are all under sin, lost in our own transgressions, but God has revealed to everyone what Packer called ‘general revelation’. And so do we have an innate idea of what’s good and what’s bad, and thus be able to do good despite being suppressed by our sin?

In a novel, that was this following dialogue Guo Jing has with the Khan who wanted to conquer more land.

GJ: When people die, how much land they occupy?

Khan: (hesitated before pointing to an area with his hand) only like that

GJ: Then what’s the point of conquering so much land now, and killing so many people at the same time?

In the same way, what’s the point of gaining so much possession, so many certificates, so much money, and so much power? When will we realize this and stop killing each other? It’s ironic how Man seems only to be able to comprehend this on his deathbed? I wonder how many people begin to believe in the existence of God when they are near death. Maybe it’s only when we are dying, we become aware of the meaningless of the mundane materials we have placed so much emphasis on; it’s only when we are dying will we seek God. In that sense, maybe death has some kind of evangelical function after all. Am I selfish to believe in God because he gives me eternal life? I mean if one day Jesus is to tell me that he won’t promise me eternal life, will I love him and do what he has commanded me? Difficult question, isn’t it?

In a very recent newspaper article, Singaporeans has rated ‘love’ as their favorite word over ‘money’ etc. Maybe deep down inside, we as humans still know what is valuable to us, but why seldom do our words and deeds reflect this knowledge?

During church camps, weekly church services, PUNJ services, it’s encouraging to be in the midst of a multitude singing and praising God, what my pastor would call ‘a taste of heaven’. I like to imagine such scenes from an omnipotent point of view. But when I zoom out to see the greater world, I could not help but feel the despair of the terrible reality out there. I see people just struggling to stay alive, to not feel hungry. Do they even have the heart to listen to the gospel? Look at the children who will almost eat anything they can find. I could almost hear a sarcastic and weak whisper from each of them. ‘God? Look around you, and you tell me where is God?’ I feel that certain helplessness, aware of my own inabilities, and insufficiencies to change the world, to make this world a better place.

In this terrible, terrible world, there are so many grey areas which I cannot decide upon a stand. There are people who step out to help, yet at the same time, there are people turn a blind eye to people of their own kind. Is it what they do that makes them good or bad? I do not know. But looking at my environment, I see punky-looking youngsters helping the elderly board the bus, I see strangers helping little children up when they fall, I see passengers volunteering to pay for the bus fares of helpless students who just lost their wallets, I see people who make it a point to donate blood once they can do it, and other little acts of kindness everyday. There is love and goodness in this world, and the realization of this is indeed heartening.

birthday

2007-07-01T21:48:00.001+08:00

Sunday, July 01, 2007 T: 14 20

Today is my birthday. I only realize this much later than others. My mother and aunt gave me something, but I thought the gifts were given in advance. It is only in church it finally dawned on me that today’s the 1^st of July. I guess birthdays never hold much significance for me, that the actual one is after all a long time ago. I’m thankful nevertheless for friends who remember, who reminded me of this anniversary.

It seems not too long ago I was a primary one kid calculating the possibility of myself growing to be as tall as the adults that often stand over me, when I was a child playing with soft toys and toy cars. I can’t help wondering if I have grown up to be the person I wanted to be. I doubt so. Looking back, I have never been the loyal friend, the good brother, the filial son, the attentive student I aspire to be. Neither have I been the faithful Christian I desired to be.

I asked myself why I am always quick to anger, and yet slow to forgive. Why am always complaining, lamenting, and not helping? Why am I always criticizing, scolding, but seldom complimenting, praising? Why am I always writing in hope of inspiring others, but could not even teach myself in the first place? Why am I always irritated with children, when I am the fool who is obsessed with worldly possessions? How dare I even consider myself more superior than some, before realizing that I could never have done it better either? Why am I quick to hate, to despise, but slow to love, to care? Why do I look at the speck of dust in the eyes of others without first seeing the plank in mine? Why do I always assume, jump to conclusions without first putting myself in the shoes of others, and consider the predicament that others are in? How dare I judge others, comment on others, without even getting my facts right? So much for the Christian love that I often write about! Am I not no better than a hypocrite?

Can I proclaim sincerely that I care nothing for the words of men, for the earthly possessions in this world?

The beauty of the doctrine of predestination which I believe in is that He has chosen me, adopted me, despite my unworthiness. In a way, there is thus full assurance of faith. If so, how much have I really done in gratitude?

To me, the birth of a wretched fool 19 years ago is really nothing much to commemorate about. ‘There is nothing in me that I can boast in, except for my own disgrace, for it is my weak self that displays the power of God’s grace.’

Maybe someday like Isaiah, I might catch a glimpse of His majesty.

in addition

2007-06-19T23:14:00.000+08:00

To add on to my previous post, maybe the reason why we have so many denominations is partially also church leaders could not agree on a common practice and system. Maybe they could not agree on certain doctrines, especially in some of the grey areas of the Bible, where the Bible isn’t clear – some issues with answers that may not be directly revealed to us, and the a priori and a posteriori inferences differ among theologians. But more fundamentally, I think church leaders and preachers ought to know the great importance of the work they are doing, for it is through them God is working in the reconciliation, for they are as capable in helping their followers to understand the gospel as misleading the entire congregation altogether. To me, pastors, preachers and bible study leaders have to be humble, and check themselves time and time again. It is easy after all for praises and compliments to get to one’s head. It is easy to be stubborn and refuses to admit one might be in the wrong, to be offended when admonished especially by a younger person. I think we ought to know we all err, but we must know how to own up to mistakes and take criticism wisely. We are no gods. In this world where sometimes ‘face’ is more important than one’s life, it is very difficult for an older person to have his wrongs pointed out by another, or even a younger fellow. I think we must all understand as much as announcing to the world one or two blunders may be damaging to our reputation and credibility, not doing so may be devastating to our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. And so for God’s sake, and for my sake, please correct me when I do go wrong!

barriers

2007-06-17T22:55:00.000+08:00

Sunday, June 17, 2007 T: 19 03

It saddens me how Christians could quarrel among themselves, saddens me to see how those who called themselves to be the body of Christ would divide themselves, right even early church when Christians argued between following Paul and Apollos. It saddens me how we seem to have that sinful inclination to create even more barriers to overcome, as if those already present are not a strain on us. Many a times, I heard the same question from my non-Christian friends. ‘Why is it that we seem to have so many factions, so many types, the Methodist… the Charismatic… the Pentecostal… the Baptist… the Presbyterian and so on?’ I never really know a good answer, except that we are still all the same, that we believe in the same God, the same salvation. Are we? We can’t ignore the fact that each of these denominations have different administrative systems, different perspectives to the various doctrines in the Bible, different practices, and different emphasis. The only consolation is that we have Jesus Christ who is central no matter what. That at least makes us one, but we can’t pretend that a certain skepticism and wariness between people from different denominations, possibly even different churches, are non-existent.

Lately, much debating about the name of my youth group is going on. For me, I see in it nothing except pointlessness and futility. After all, I don’t think such names matter at all, for we are all the same in the body of Christ. If a name will grant identity and that sense of belonging, isn’t to be called a Christian, child of God better than any other names we come up with? If a name will make it easier to attract other non-Christians and an uninteresting name like STAR would not, then isn’t it better for it to be just called Youth Ministry, and not some abbreviations which one has to further explain, at the same time not having to be concerned about the baggage ‘PUNJ’ is carrying and the uninspiring nature of ‘STAR’? Instead, we find a line drawn across the room, separating the entire huge group of people sitting together initially into two. We find ourselves wondering why others could not see our point of view, wondering why the democratic system that is implemented turns out to be so flawed. Before we know it, we have successfully divided ourselves again. Perhaps I’m exaggerating the problem, but the utter meaninglessness of it all, in this reality that will soon fade away, does not make sense to me. Or could someone else enlighten me?

A friend was commenting after the session. He questioned the usefulness of democracy, especially about such issues, taking into account also the voters involved. After if the democratic voting isn’t chosen as a solution, would there be such worries? Perhaps if left to be independent in such matters, the church would only be torn apart because of diverse perspectives and opinions. Instead it would be better to let the church leaders, chosen by the church, to take the responsibility. Even so, chaos would arise if the leaders themselves came to a dispute. And if voting is still to be used, perhaps only when a higher percentage of people are in agreement, then could a decision be made. At least, the church would not be torn into half.

The Great Commission in Matthew is for us to go forth and spread the good news of Christ, as I have seen in my bible study today. The greatest commission, if I may suggest, is the greatest commandment in Mark 12 – to love God and love thy neighbor. Barriers are erected simply as a result of sin, as a result of the lack of love. And so, as people who called ourselves to be followers of the Cross, are we be able to give up our selfishness and be others-centered? Are we able to look at another Christian in the eye and acknowledge him or her whole-heartedly as a fellow brother and sister? Are we even trying to be our best, out of our love for Christ and what He has done? I don’t think the gospel as presented to us in the Bible is some ‘feel good’ brainwashing. Rather the foundation of Christianity is that we are all unworthy and undeserving (Total Depravity), but the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair in favor of us, that Christ willing died for us. Are we able to forgive as the Lord has forgiven us, love as the Lord has loved us? Do we try to, instead of letting the anger and frustration dominate us? Can we love the people who we do not like? How are we even treating our fellow brothers and sisters in Christ? It’s human nature to let our mundane wants and desires to get the better of us, but do we see ourselves changing? I think repentance is no least important than accepting that Jesus has died for you.

We are Christians. Words like ‘chosen’ and ‘predestined’ and ‘selected’ are not foreign to us. We are supposed to be different from the rest, to be set apart from the rest. Then why are we so concerned about what others think of us?

神吊侠侣∶

“哪知道周伯通天真烂漫，匈中更无半点机心，虽天性好武，却从无争雄扬名的念头，决没想到自己是否该算五绝之一。黄药师笑道：“老顽童啊老顽童，你当真了不起。我黄老邪对‘名’淡泊，一灯大师‘名’为虚幻，只有你，却心中空空荡荡，本来就不存‘名’之一念，可比我们高出一筹了。”

I think I’m not contextualizing the above passage a little, but it will be my hope that let names be the least of our worries. However let us seek to always put the interests of others in front of ours, not easy I know, but we’ll get there someday.

competition

2007-06-10T23:54:00.001+08:00

Sunday, June 10, 2007 T: 23 39

The words ‘friendly competition’ is an irony. I don’t think such will ever exist, especially among us humans. There is always that thirst for victory, which is so able to overwhelm any good-will intentions, any little bit of goodness still left in us. Naturally, we all love to win and hate to lose. But it’s a shame whenever such attitude can erode a relationship, and even destroy it.

I never like to compete against friends. It’s after all during competitive computer games friends could turn out jeering and snaring at each other. And really, sometimes we can all be able to say it’s just a silly computer game, but I can’t ignore the fact that I’ve been personally irritated by newer players, maybe even let the anger get to me as well. There is after all always that desire to win, especially in guys.

The tongue is after all like a double-edged sword. Its power is often underestimated, for it seems many a often uncontrollable. I think it’s always right to think carefully before saying anything, lest offending or saddening anyone, checking oneself time and time again to see if anywhere has gone wrong. There will be somewhere where there is a need to repent. We are after only mere sinful creatures, yet somehow called to light.

heroes

2007-06-07T00:43:00.001+08:00

我辈练功学武，所为何事？行侠仗义, 济人困厄固然乃是本分, 但这只是侠之小者。江湖上所以尊称我一声‘郭大侠’，实因敬我为国为民，奋不顾身地助守襄阳。然我才力有限，不能为民解困，实在愧当‘大侠’两字。你聪明智慧过我十倍，将来成就定然远胜于我，这是不消说的。只盼你心中牢牢记住‘为国为民，侠之大者’这八个字，日后名扬天下，成为受万民敬仰的真正大侠。是啊，鞠躬尽瘁，死而后已。

The Chinese language is a beautiful one. Too bad I’m never able to master in it. To write with it is simply a travesty to the language. After months of reading novels by 金庸, I decided to write something about it. I knew that it would not do justice to his great works simply commenting about it in English, and thus quoted this short except from ‘神雕侠侣.’

It is after reading each series I found myself having a deeper and more profound understanding of what heroes are all about. It’s not simply about the skills, the characters’ abilities to defeat everyone they come up against. I think when one would look closer, the ‘侠’ depicted in each series are very different people – 萧峰’s dilemma between loyalty to his friends and his country, 段誉’s undivided attention towards 王语嫣 and his loyalty to his brothers, 郭靖’s unwavering patriotism, 杨过’s steadfast love for 小龙女, 令狐聪’s carefree, ‘潇洒’ outlook to life. Yet at the same time, their lives seem to be revolving around 4 Chinese words – 孝 (filial)、义(trustworthiness)、仁(kindness)、忠(loyalty)。 Maybe that’s what heroes are all about – a certain selflessness, and that willingness to sacrifice anything and everything for people they love and who love them, even people who they do not know, as well as faithfulness to their words, and that as long as their conscience is clear, they know they will owe no one explanations.

These days, everywhere seems to be filled with backstabs and gossip, out of that desperate desire for the top. Trust seems a foreign word, especially when one sees how marriage can be torn asunder, how families can be devastated, how friendships can be worth no more than a cent. 如果君子一言，驷马难追， then I wonder how many ‘君子’ are there in our world today!

Maybe it’s in such fantasy lands we can have a greater confidence in people, in life, that they could very well be people like these heroes who even we have grown to respect.

Guo Jing’s love for his country can be really amazing, especially in this age. It may be just taken from a story, but in the history of China, one can easily name one or two who will have such thoughts. Yue Fei is simply one of them. Countries fall and countries rise, but I don’t think these patriots are just defending their countries alone. Instead, I think they would want to do their part to protect their own people, people who they grew up with, and they knew they would be enslaved if the country is to fall under foreign rule. I thought it’s so sad whenever I realize that there will be countless who will try to flee first should my country come under attack. It’s ironic to see how the world is shrinking, and yet at the same time, the distance between each individual could grow larger and larger. And in the end, it sounds as if every man’s for himself. I remember watching the movie ‘We were soldiers’, remember being touched at the last part when the narrator speaks that at the end of the Vietnam world, they brought home with them not the flag but the friendships of fellow soldiers they were fighting alongside with. Perhaps it’s true tribulations the good of Man will shine. Will I risk my life for another? Will I do my best, to die without regrets? These are some questions I’ll be asking myself for perhaps the rest of my life, unless there comes one day when I’ve to make such a decision.

In his after word to his novel 神雕侠侣, 金庸 wrote the following:

郭靖说：“为国为民，侠之大者。”这句话在今日仍有重大的积极意义。但我深信将来国家的界限会消失，那时候‘爱国’， ‘叛国’等等观念就没有多大意义了。然而父母子女兄弟间的亲情，纯真的友谊、爱情、正义感、仁善、勇于助人、为社会献身等等感情与品德，相今后还是长期地为人们所赞美，这似乎不是任何政治理论、经济制度、社会改革、宗教信仰等所能替代的。

Perhaps in this cosmopolitan world, patriotism is gradually losing its meaning. Yet our morals, our knowledge of what is good and what is bad (which I believe to be God’s gift and general revelation to Man) will not change. We will appreciate trust, appreciate our family ties, appreciate the kindness and generosity and altruism. Somewhat these will never cease to exist perhaps for eternity to come. And this at the very least can be what we have confidence in, what we can hope for, and what our natural conscience will tell us. For what God has given to us, let Man not destroy.

the walk

2007-05-26T23:09:00.001+08:00

Saturday, May 26, 2007 T: 22 16

I was walking to the cinema just 3 days ago, to catch the last of the Pirates trilogy, yet not at all anticipating what the movie will be like. Instead, I found myself lost in the music from my earphones. My heart became lighter. There was that little adrenaline rush to my legs, to walk in beat with the beat of the song trickling into my ears. My footsteps became more energetic, livelier. I seemed to be prancing to the cinema, with that certain excitement and zeal, resisting that urge to do a tap dance of my own. I can not pin-point the reason. It’s needless anyway.

I paused after that split second, suddenly painfully aware that I’m in a world with real people around me, not my own fantasy world. I tried to contain my enthusiasm. After all, people could be watching, wondering what the hell that fellow is doing, deducing that sanity of that person. There are eyes all around. I began to walk as per usual again.

But it hit me the very next moment. Why should I even bother? Why should I restrain myself because of that several people whose names I do not even know? What makes me think they bother anyway? I should be who I am. I don’t think God would be displeased at the manner that I walk, the image that I present to others, especially when I do not have a ‘Christian’ sign tagged to my back. And in that instance of time, I felt that breath of life refreshing me. I thrive on that feeling of exhilaration and elation. At the point of time, I felt empowered to do anything, felt that sense of total freedom and complete liberation. Let the sky fall on me, and it would act as a blanket for me. I started skipping around again, did a little spinning of my own, and found myself in the cinema soon enough, rejuvenate and ready to watch the show.

Maybe this is why I like being alone so much. I love the lack of pressure. Because when I’m alone, I never have to worry about embarrassing others. I don’t have to be concerned about keeping others entertained. I don’t have to be pressured to talk, to break those walls of silence. I thrive on that freedom, the needlessness to accountable to anyone save for God and God alone. From young I have taught myself to be immune to others’ comments about me, for if my conscience is clear, who can tear me apart? For if my God is for me, then who can be against me? I’m not capable of ignoring everything of course. I am human after all. I love praises and hate criticism. But what after all is the value of Man’s approval, mundane glorification? How much after all is Man’s remarks worth? Nothing, if I may boldly declare. I can boast in nothing, except for my own disgrace, for it shows the glory and power of the Cross.

With such attitude, I wonder I can proceed far in my career anyway. Certainly, I’ll never be a sycophant. But the pursuit of that too, together be material wealth, is also a chasing after the wind. I pray for contentment and satisfaction.

It feels good to be able to express oneself freely. I know I never could dance beautifully. But I can dance, and the ability to do so is already a gift of God. Let no man be able to stop me to enjoy such a gift. I wished that moment will never end. But it’s in that short spam of 5 minutes walking to the cinema I found myself once more. It’s that during that fleeting moment, I found happiness. I laughed out loud then. I think I’m heard then. I don’t think they’ll understand, nor do I really care either.

One day, I’ll run through my school half shouting in ecstasy.

If we are the body

2007-05-20T22:28:00.000+08:00

Sunday, May 20, 2007 T: 14 54 STAR

Every mundane beginning has an end. PUNJ will too has its last official meeting this Sunday. Come next Sunday, the entire youth ministry will be integrated into STAR. I hope I could still be considered as a youth of course, but not anymore. The abbreviation has received some objections naturally, but it’s just a name anyway. It’s funny how I have pass out from YF to somewhat go back there again. I suppose it’s all part of God’s plan.

From a more idealistic and optimistic view, the change could be useful. Frankly speaking, it is just a small change in my opinion, and yet it may be able to solve the transition dropouts that have plagued the ministry for the past few years. The ministry would be more united in some sense, and YF and PUNJ would not be so divided as it is before. Leaders-wise, I think there would be a lot of things to be worked out course, since the older ones definitely will do more in-dept bible studies than the young ones.

I think since the church elders have come out with such a plan, the onus is on us as older seniors to make it work out. We hate to be removed from our comfort zones. We always do. The challenge for us as Christians inspired by Christ’s work on the cross is whether we are able to portray a little of that love Christ has displayed. I remember when I begin hanging out with the older PUNJ people, I’m always encouraged how often our conversations relate to the Word of God, the ministry of God, about fellow brothers and sisters and how we can do to help them in their daily walk, theology and academic opinions to probably the greatest literature on Earth. No, the Bible is something more than literature. It is life itself. Will we be able to do that? Will I be able to do that?

I was once a youth. Perhaps for me, I began thinking about God from a young age, perhaps because of what I have went through in my life. For many, I don’t think religion is very much attractive at that age, and such is not helped by the peer pressure in their schools and elsewhere. But I think at the very least, they are grounded in the gospel and finally when they really stop and rest for a moment in this hectic world, they could remember and understand how really God has been providing and the power of the Cross.

Some of course are concerned about the ‘politics’ that’s involved. I suddenly become very much aware of this word these several months. Come to think about it, I don’t think it’s really something to worry about, because it’s almost everywhere. Maybe among the youths, it would seem more evident because they may lack the understanding the Word, if I may boldly suggest. In reality, the external politics can seem to be more stumbling than these youthful ones, when one see the power struggle even among churches, between elders and pastors would have proclaimed themselves Christians, and even the involvement of church in country’s politics. As much as we may like to run away from it, to avoid it even, it is very real and very much present. Certainly if the church has no power in America’s politics, I wouldn’t doubt if gay marriage is legislated right away. Are we able to inspire others to lead more godly lives? I guess we all are struggling. I seriously am, but at least I try to do something, at the very least not to stumble other Christians. That would be the worst thing to do.

How pertinent it is for Rev John Ting today to speak about knowing God and knowing about God, to preach about how the knowledge of God should parallel proactive Christian love. A lot of us Christians, we all know out stuff. We know the Law. We know the gospels. We know the Epistles. Are we able to put them into practice? Are we able to lead selfless lives that God has called us to live? This is nothing new isn’t it? We don’t do all these because of this integration. It is just part of our 24/7 worship, except that now we are given a chance to involve others as well.

We are after all the body.

2007-05-06T16:54:00.001+08:00

Sunday, May 06, 2007 T: 16 18

Why do we like a certain brand of clothes, a specific type of food, a certain cuisine, a certain football club? Why do we like a certain actor/actress, a certain genre of movies and music, a certain director? In one way or another, we can each come up with an entire list of reasons to answer questions like these. Yet it’s funny how these answers sometimes seem just to serve to convince ourselves more, not others, others with their own particular sets of likes and dislikes.

Why do like a certain someone? One could tell oneself it’s the looks, the personality, the character, the mannerism and fail totally to convince another. Perhaps there’s a certain innate stubbornness in us, that when we settled on something or someone, there’s not much space for turning back. Those educated in biology may suggest a reason genetic-related, further determined by experience, by environment. In a way, that pretty much not leave any free choice left. I want to believe that we all have though.

I’m proud to be able to say that I listen to a very wide genre of music, from heavy metal to rock to pop to jazz to classical. Maybe that’s because I choose to believe that there’s beauty in everything, just that sometimes we could not see it when others do. There is beauty in a plastic bag just gliding around in the wind, beauty in the structure and anatomy of just a simple leaf, beauty in the muscular movements of a tiger sprinting to catch its prey, something perhaps the director of American Beauty wants to show. And as a Christian, I think it is a challenge for me to see beauty in everyone, to see beyond physical appearances, to be not reduced to mere superficiality, just like music.

I think sometimes there’s just no absolute reason for a way of thinking, a way of looking at things, a like for something or someone. We can name a hundred answers, and may find majority of them does not make sense when we look closer. Maybe that’s what make the world more confusing, but maybe that’s what make life more interesting, when we stop to appreciate the many different perspectives and opinions of the same thing. After all, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, a cliché as it is, but it does form some basis of the concept of soul-mates, that there is always a certain someone, and in today’s highly liberal and crazy world, it does have some consoling effect.

Man U

2007-04-28T23:45:00.001+08:00

Saturday, April 28, 2007 T: 23 13

I love Manchester United. And as I watched them play day in and day out, I found myself liking them even more. I enjoy their style of play, watching the likes of players like Ronaldo and Rooney outwitting defenders and goalkeepers, watching the excited old man jumping up and down at his golden age, watching the unwavering confidence of the entire team itself.

Certainly, their attacking style of soccer has added much more liveliness to the world of football. They go all out to search for goals, whether they are losing or winning. The latest Champions League victories against Roma and AC Milan will testify to that. I don’t think I want to watch a match that has perpetually no goals, just defensive barriers that deny every single chance. Goals seem to be a result of just a reliance of mistakes and holes in the defense, rather than because of strikers’ superb control of the ball.

I find myself a fan of the players of the club rather than the club itself. I find myself a fan of old man Fergie, his constant zeal and enthusiasm for the game, his confidence in his players, and as well as his inspiration of all of his men under him. Look at the team when they seem to come back so often this season in the second half after the 10 minutes in the locker-room. Is it by sheer confidence, or did the old bird say something to his team, give his powerful hairdryer session to his players? After all, his 20 years of reign has seen him managing probably some of the greatest players on Earth. And it’s in this season you see that bunch of young players each with their own individual different abilities doing their best to repay their manager’s confidence in them. You see Ronaldo coming back astoundingly after being hated by almost the entire England due to the World Cup, diving less and less frequent, playing more unselfishly although he love scoring. You see Rooney gradually maturing and learning to control his temper, recently rising to the occasion to give the club the attacking edge in order to compensate for its defensive gaps. You see Fletcher and Carrick, players who got ignored initially, gradually bettering their game. While the former tackle endlessly to get back possession of the ball, the other run tirelessly to relieve others of the ball and distribute it. Finally, you see a team not just good because of individual talents of the young players. Instead they are supported and taught by veterans like Neville, Giggs and Scholes. It is a team of the old and young, a team that suddenly seems able to win the treble this season.

I never bet on soccer. I just love watching the game however. To others, it may be just 20 people running around the damn field for a ball. To me however, it is a game that demands team spirit, sportsmanship and finally confidence, both in the player own self and in his team-mates. May Manchester United win their next treble this season.

Ray Quinn

2007-04-15T16:49:00.001+08:00

Sunday, April 15, 2007 T: 15 53

I have expected this. I have known this would happen. All around me, people all around me begin talking about boyfriends and girlfriends. There are the people slightly older than me who have started to contemplate marriage and the prospect of having a family life. A few have already gotten to it. I see people gradually growing up around me. Boys gradually mature physically and mentally to become men able to discern for themselves right from wrong. Girls may become more outspoken and less shy, gradually transforming into confident, fine ladies. What will they be like 20 years down the road? What will I be like at that time? Have my mother, my aunties and uncles, my grandparents been like that in the past? And as they move from one stage to another, will they lose their liveliness, having an image and reputation they have to keep, especially in front of their kids? From what I can observe, I give it 10 years before the majority of my friends currently have families of their own.

I never stop being curious. What is it like to be a husband or a father? What does it feel like to take on responsibilities that would affect greatly the lives of others? We all watch movies, read books that recount of those happy families and loving couples. Chinese serial dramas never fail to end off with a ‘quan jia fu’ photograph. The ones that don’t always leave viewers disappointed. Maybe we all want to know that having a perfect family is possible, and we become inspired to have that kind of life. What is like to be like Ray Quinn – a character in the Quinn quartet by Nora Roberts? In the story, he is a respectable father to 3 fellows he picked up from the street, guiding the three lost boys back to the main road again. Roberts make it sound so possible, so believable. In reality, is it true? I don’t think I will ever stop being a source of frustration for my mother, even though I can be apologetic for it. I know very well I would not be where I am today if not for her. I suppose the fact that my brother and I have that bit of intelligence helps, that we are able to get into better schools and not mix with bad company. How about those who don’t? How are parents supposed to deal with that? I know of people who have begun smoking due to peer pressure, and after that it seems to be a downward spiral. Ray Quinn will always know when to let go, and when to step in, and words that will not enter his sons’ ear to exit through the other. I have never doubted when Pastor Chris suggested that you can see how a person is like by looking at his or her children.

I remember back in college, I often spend one hour a week swimming in the pool in my school. It’s always very comfortable to reflect about almost everything then. Every hand and leg movements can seem so natural and instinctive at that gentle and slow pace, as if they move on their own. It’s at one of those times when I begin thinking how I should improve my life, how I can be a better friend, a better brother in Christ, about what I would do if I’m some leader, about what I would do if I’m a father. I could think a lot. Trying is another. After all, Ray is Quinn is fiction. Reality will be never as simple and smooth as swimming in that pool.

changes

2007-04-02T23:23:00.000+08:00

Monday, April 02, 2007 T: 22 30

Changes. They are so inevitable. I suppose we need them in order to progress, in order to evolve, in order to lead what we call better lives. Technology rapidly advances. I have come from a time when people once use coins only to take buses, hesitant to put money in a piece of plastic called the fare-card. I have come from a time where only tape recorders existed. Things have changed now, due to the demand for higher efficiency and effectiveness. I know I must be thankful for them.

In some sense, I hate changes, hate moving from comfort zone, moving from a routine I’m used to and delight myself in, hate the changing of environment – landing into yet another unfamiliar zone where I must re-establish my comfort zone. Maybe that’s why I would consider myself boring and would rather be alone enjoying being alone doing things on my own. Maybe that’s why I would rather do backstage work than be under the spotlight, doing work which some would refer as ‘sai gang’, work that probably receive no acknowledgement when done well, work that however get me criticized even when problems are not a result of my blunders. In some ways, I have tell myself to not mind all that insults, and just enjoy doing what I’m supposed to do alone. Maybe that’s why I choose accountancy as my subject in university. I don’t think I’ll mind staying back late to finish all the accounts. It’ll get frustrating and boring after a while, after months of long hours and little breaks, but it seem to promise me little need for too much social interaction. It’s a matter of getting used to.

I’ve always taught myself to taking things as it comes. There will be a way no matter what. There had to be. In my opinion, that has always been the key to leading a contented life, though I do have some vision of what my life in future will be like. Boring no doubt, but comfortable and relaxing. In that dream, that vision, I’ll be stuck in the same old house up to age 35, gradually furnishing my room into my own paradise. That’s when I’ll be eligible to apply for my own flat, when I’ll get a dog, a cat and a bird. I’ll begin simply, building it up from scratch, to finally a place where I can call home. I’ll be drawing a salary of 3 to 5 thousand, eating at the same stalls everyday, doing almost the same thing every weekday. I’ll take long walks with my dog every night, armed with a mp3 player while traveling the distances. I’ll go back from church every Sunday to the same old desert stall, savoring a bowl of BoBoChaCha as I’ve always done. I’ll spend my free time on novels by brilliant authors like Lescorat, Roberts, and Archer, writing my journals as I’ve always done for the past eight to nine years. I’ll consider going back to serve at church, doing the sound and lcd again, helping out with the logistics dept if my help is ever needed. I think I’ll still be relying on public transport. With the circle line and so many other lines under development, I don’t see why private transportation will be a necessity in the long run. This will be my life. There shall not be going to be much disruptions. Something bugs at me though… should the dogs, cats and birds come in pairs?

I wish I’m still a kid. There seem to be so many changes at the moment. I’ve to keep thinking about my tertiary education, worry about school fees, contemplate how to make ends meet as a student, how I can be independent of at the very least my family. My social environment seems to keep changing. Just when I thought I finally made better friends after 3 months of BMT, I’m sent to OETI with a class of probably 30 new faces, 40 new people to work with. And after that, I’ll be going for On Job Experience at some other unit, where I’m supposed to put my new knowledge and skills to practical use under the watchful eyes of more experienced and new people. And after 2 months, I’ll be again flew to another unit for the actual thing. Even in church, I seem to be not spared. People seem to come and go. The number of regulars seem to be drop. Even leaders change. The entire church changes. PUNJ, a place where I think I know 90% of the people some time ago, seems to be changing into a place full of strangers whose names I do not know. There seems to be millions of names to recall now, as I struggle to put names to faces so frequently. I wish everyone will wear their names somewhere on their clothes. Things would have gotten much simpler. I guess I always try to take the easier way out. A time might even come when I will totally desert my comfort zone for a year, if I do receive a overseas posting for my army vocation, when I’ll be plunged into a different culture, a different land. I’ll embrace them – changes – positively though, at least as much as possible. After all, all roads lead to Rome.

Thankfully, God never change. His personality stays the same. His laws stay the same. His love stays the same. His grace stays the same. His perfection will eternal. At the very least, I could always fall back on this foundation and know that it’ll never collapse, even if my world may one day do so.

thanksgiving

2007-03-15T12:37:00.000+08:00

Thursday, March 15, 2007 T: 11 59

It was a sudden impulse when I decided to pack my drawers that afternoon. I peruse all the letters that were written to me (from friends and teachers), Christmas cards and birthday cards that I have kept knowing that a day like today will come, scanning through all the things that I’ve collected, tokens that are like landmarks over the past 18 years of my life, bringing back memories both happy and sad. A feeling of nostalgia overwhelmed me, along with a certain sadness, when I realise I’ve finally gained the independence that I’ve been seeking for the past 10 years. Now that I got some of it, I seem to be at a loss, not knowing what to do with it.

But looking back, I think it’s amazing to see how the piececs of my life fall into place, that I am able to stand up time and time again each time I fell, drawing strength not from myself, but from God, friends, family, as well as memories. Despite of the little obstacles, I can still say I lead a fair comfortable life, filled with I believed more happiness and gladness that I ever expected. Somehow, it is as if there has only been one set of footprints in my sandy road of life right from the beginning. I think God has carried me through, in spite of my rebellious nature.

I’ve found friends in this lifetime that I know I can trust, that would stand by me although that would risked being laughed at, friends who never fail to lend a helping hand when I’m down on the ground, friends who do not fear admonishing me to keep me on the right path friends who never hesitate to encourage me when I dou bt I’ve done anything much in return (besides perhaps being a source of entertainment when I make a fool of myself). I’ve found friends who don’t mind going out with a boring person, who do mind going the extra mile to save me from trouble. Surely I’ll be damned if I am not thankful for them.

It is no mere luck and coincident that I landed up in Poi Ching School and ACJC. For it is there, I found teachers more willing to sacrifice time and effort to see us to the end, teachers who tirelessly scream and nag, gaining only hatred and disfavor and even gossip, teachers who have helped me attain my grades in school when I’m never put in sufficient effort in return. If it takes 2 hands to clap, I say they must be the ones putting more strength in their hands. I have went to my junior college for pretty much the wrong reasons. Surely it’s by God’s grace that I’ve landed there, for it is there I profit a great deal. It is there I found friendships that would last a lifetime, there I’ve gained an increase in self-confidence and self-esteem, there that I learn how to lead (though I’m still pathetic at it), there that I learn what it’s like to conquer my fears, there in the mrc room that I’ve spent indelible time discussing and planning work, about things happening in school, teachers, crapping with juniors and seniors, sthere even I found peop le whose lives inspire me to lead a more Christ-centered life, there where I learn about the inevitable politics, the power play that stemmed from selfish ambitions, there that I learned not to be stepped on and yet be nice at the same time, there that I’ve gotten academic results that I never once expected I’ll get. Can I really have something to complain about, especially knowing that this is not a perfect world and that the grasses on the other side always seem greener?

I started off in every new area of life badly, ostracised and mocked at. I guess my social skills are not exactly good. Yet miraculously, that only lasts for a while before I found friends willing to be stand by me. I’ve completed my first 3 months of NS life in Tekong. I’ve started off probably condemned, yet when I got into trouble towards the end of my bmt phase, it touched me that almost my entire platoon supported me, even I think my sergeants, and at that point of time, I know that I would be able to endure whatever punishment that was given to me. Surely it’s God’s grace that I got away with just a 50 bucks fine. Surely it’s God’s grace that never fail to carry me through every difficulty so far in life.

By now, the early game of this chess of life has been played, and as I turn to look into the future, I know I will be equipped with power and freedom to make my own deicisions, and with that may come a price to high for me to pay. With the increnase in independence will come an increase an increase in responsibility for my own actions and decisions. But come what may, I believe I’ll survive, not without the support of my peers. Come what may, I know God will always be there to guide me along, and prevent me from straying away.

As days pass, there will come a day when my drawer is too small for me to accommodate all my stuff, when maybe my disk drive will be too full. I look forward to that day, because I think I’ll forever cherish these things given me, because I think I’ll never let go of memories that I believe make me who I am today.

my confession

2007-03-02T23:20:00.000+08:00

Friday, March 02, 2007 T: 00 45

Whenever she is around, I would find myself turning my head constantly, just to catch a glimpse after her again and again.The more I stare however, the more I wanted that instant to last forever, and during occasions when our eyes meet, I could always feel the weight of her eyes on me. I want to do something, a wink, a smile, as a form of acknowledgement, but fear always causes me to turn away.

I tell myself that all of it, this grand obsession, carried on in the face of a racing heart, a frantic and nervous temperament, has not happened. It is just another teenage infatuation, juvenile besortment, some form of déjà vu of my past experiences. I desire to seek back my rationality again, to land my feet back on the solid reality, consoling myself that it will be all gone the very next morning, the very next day.

But I do not, of course, and memories of spending time with her continue to torment me mercilessly, ceaselessly causing me to lose my direction in life. The moments when I’m with her, the anticipation, the excitement, the appreciation, the pressure are overwhelming, and yet indelible. I would feel weak, short of breath then, propelled by the urge to please her, to entertain her, and yet nothing comes out, and I hate myself for the lack of courage and strength, for not able to do the most simplest thing call talking. When she is around, I laugh too easily, too much. I do what I can to stay near her, assuming a nonchalent attitude while doing my own stuff, just to linger with the details of her person – the soft and silky hair, the sparkling eyes and the liveliness of her smile.

And when I’m finally alone by myself, I feel desperate, but sick and ashamed of this raging and senseless obsession. I remained consumed by own delusions of my own ‘happily ever after’, trapped in a spaced-out reality with the endless fantasies, besieged by the many pictures of her I have already taken in my mind.

It is a wonder how such images, such recollections of her voice, her looks, her character and her actions can do so much to brighten up my life, an amazement how they can put a smile on my face in the midst of gloominess. Maybe happiness is not just dependent on what one have, that the possession of something or someone may not bring happiness instead. Maybe it doesn’t not matter how long, but it is that instant of time that can really do magic.

happiness

2007-02-24T23:55:00.000+08:00

Monday, February 19, 2007 T: 22 27 CNY Day 2

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed, by their Creator, with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”

When I was in junior college, my GP teacher has advised me against writing on questions regarding happiness. Answering such philosophical questions would be courting my own death. He’s right. Even till now, I think I still am too immature and inexperienced to write about it. So have many, who have spend their lives search for the happiness in their lives and seem still to be unable to find it.

The quote in the beginning is taken from the American Declaration of Independence, a fine and inspiring piece of writing that I know I would be proud of if I am an American. In the movie The Pursuit of Happyness, I was informed that this declaration does not hold happiness to be a right. Life is, freedom is, not happiness. Only the pursuit of happiness, however, is.

Perhaps whoever that participate in writing that declaration has considered that happiness is never lasting and is as temporal as day andi night, and thus the pursuit of happiness is an ongoing process in everybody’s lives. Before I know it, I find myself wondering what is happiness.

In my quest for answers, I tried asking my friends. One interesting reply I’ve gotten is that there is no happiness in thish world. It is an ideal, a goal that we all work towards, beginning from the state of misery to unhappiness. We’ll never reach there. But when I think of all theh kids playing in the playground, oblivious to the world around them, in bliss and joy, ignorant of any pain and suffering in this world, aren’t they happy?

No. Happiness exists. When I’m jubilent, it is when time can pass in a flash. And when I look back at my own life, I remember the times when I’m laughing crazily with my friends in school, when I get back my ‘o’ level results and find myself elated and high, and even when I reflect on my life and realise whata a lucky fool I am. Though these moments of ecstasy and euphoria last for a fleeting moment, it’s perhaps the driving force of life. Yet when I look at the other people whose results are better than mine feeling sad and depressed, I realise that despite how instantaneous, momentary, temporary these moments of happiness are, it is perhaps up to the individual to decide how frequent they want them to be.

Then I start thinking of the South Africans, of the people living in starvation and in inhuman conditions, of the people whose lives wholly depend on a mass of machines, of people whose lives are at the mercy of the diseases that threaten to destroy all hopes, and I wonder if they are entitled to happiness. Is it really up to them to decide whether they can be happy or not, with all the frequent physical pain that they are facing? But look at the faces of the hungry ones who find food, or the heartbreaking eyes of the ones dying when they see their loved ones visit them? Do they not at that point of time feel glad, despite their difficult predicament, while at the same time, another wealthy member of their own kind may find themselves stressed over their careers and business?

Somehow, I believe that we are entitled to happiness, more certain that our Creator did not make us to suffer, but to enjoy ouro lives on Earth – the world He has created for us. Yet for most of us, the pursuit of happiness will be a life-lasting one, partly because of our desire to want more, our constant discontentment with what we have, what we are, and with others. We all sought to seek what we think will bring us happiness – more material possessions, relationships, even religions. Yet maybe attaining happiness can be as simple as appreciating what we have and not take things for granted, like enjoying a cup of coffee in the early morning, looking at the sunrise and just take a break for the power chase for a while.

my Valentine's Day

2007-02-19T22:13:00.000+08:00

Wednesday 14 Feb 07 22 08 Valentine’s Day

Edited Sunday, February 18, 2007 T: 22 59

Today’s Valentine’s Day. I should be thinking about girls. I should be feeling that sudden rush of hope, fantasies and delusions again. I think I’d rather be doing so anyway, yet having read the latest news, I suppose I feel upset about the sorry state of the world, the agonies of life that people still have to suffer, even if holidays are around the corner. For despite the nearing of what would and should have been a joyous Chinese New Year, many still find themselves haunted by tragedies, plaqued by misfortunes time and time again. Most recenly, we see Indonesia finding itself the target of the heartless weather, after just recovering from the tsunami and volcanic incidents. Once again, the poorest are hit the hardest and one wonders if diasters are sent to eliminate the weakest links, allowing only the fittest to survive. It’s funny how we often read all these, and for a moment sympathise with the destitute, feeling sorry for them in our comfort zone, only just to forget and move on after a while. And yet how often our sympathy only lasts for a fleeting moment, and soon we’ll forget about them and our own concerns take first priority again.

At the very least, there are people taking a more proactive roles. We see people willingly venturing out of their safety capsules into a more violent environment to help members of their own kind. Charitable organisations are set up, geared to push their own governments to help the developing nations, where standard of living is at its worst, where people live hopelessly at the mercy of diseases and nature. Maybe it’s for a less selfish reason that America decides to intervene, for it promises after all independence for the people from tyranny and oppression. Generously, it did promise funds and resources for the denuclearisation of North Korea, when it’s half the world away from it. Yet somehow, nothing seems to really work. After so many years of international aid, countries in Africa seems to be not much better off, and now have to cope with the dwindling natural resources. Bombings in Iraq still happen frequently, despite the return of power and authority to its own people. Soldiers get blown up while trying to keep the peace. And sometimes I really wonder how does Bush feel, when all his dreams don’t seem to get anywhere, and stratgegies that only seem ideal on paper. And to make matters worse, there are more problems to face, economic problems like trade deficts that should be more important than interfering with the affairs of other countries, and finally Congress and the American public to persuade and convince. And it really puzzle me why despite having to made all these so very significant decisions, he’s still getting paid lesser than Lee.

When it doesn’t work, people start finding scapegoats to blame. Ministers change. Ruling parties change. The American administration blamed the corruption in the developing countries. Millions of dollars have been poured into Iraq, vanished though into the pockets of a few instead of reaching the thousands of people in dire states. The floods in Jarkarta would have much lesser damaged, if funds allocated to building dams and clearing the rivers reach their destination. It’s depressing how every root of most problems in this world can be traced. They all seem to reach a deadend called the human condition, which cannot be solved through human means. No, no method of governance can be perfect because of this. I suppose a system works best only when it can minimises the effect brought about by the selfish inclination of Man, a system where there must be power and authority must be shared by people and keep in check by one another. This is why communism will never work.

I think at the end of the day, for all the criticism and complaints I have made of my own country, I think I must still be thankful of the peace and amity in this state, that in spite of all the differences, differences that are further enlarged by that so many nervous-wrecking racial clashes happening in other countries, we still are able to live together living our own serene and tranquil lives. And this I would like to say is not anymore brought about by mutual tolerance, but mutual acceptance. Sure enough, though relativism and post modernist thinking may not coincide with my Christian values, yet they have certainly help in granting a certain tranquilty to this nation. I should be thankful of the relatively high standard of living in this country, as well as the political stability. After all, there will always be some group of people at the top of everything, and so long as I can live a comfortable life, why should I compare my life to the rich and welathy’s? For a capitalist country that believes in meritocracy, I must say it’s purely bullshit when you hear how the rich send their sons and daughters overseas to obtain their education. But in a blink 50 years will be over, and the 2 mm think piece of paper will be nothing but a monument hanging on the wall, fading to nothingness in a matter of time. Alas, the worldly pursuit of happyness is nothing less than a chasing after the wind…

spoken from an ignorant

2006-10-09T01:23:00.000+08:00

Sunday, October 08, 2006 T: 23 09

In a way, learning is an eternal process, and I’m thankful that my curiosity for knowledge and information is never hampered by any characteristic of the teacher. It can be an older person, a younger junior, a girl, a female, the Internet, or anything. After all, although curiosity kills the cat, it is satisfaction that never fails to bring me back.

I found myself in despair again at the human condition. It always hit me whenever I begin thinking about politics and economics. I found myself confused over my government, never know whether there should be a continual support for PAP. For one thing, despite all that restrictions in order for them to maintain their power, they have done an excellent job in the governance of this country, taking into considering the imperfections of the humankind in their planning and policies. I look around and consider the garden city that I’m going to see. Am I too quick to criticize? After all, the grass is always greener.

I learnt some econs related stuff, here and there, finding myself engaged in the topics of trade, protectionism, the US, communism, capitalism, trade deficits, currencies and so on. Most of all I think, I’m struck by the growing rich-poor divide, at the vicious cycle that seems to be spinning its wheel again and again in the same direction, leaving behind those who can’t keep up and adding speed to those who already are flying. Communism makes no sense because the world is not ideal; it doesn’t make sense that two people who do different amounts of work get the same profit and benefits. Yet is capitalism fair to those who strive and work their life out? I doubt so. When looking up at the high society, one can’t be helped but be filled with envy, jealousy, even aggression, especially when those up there seem to be throwing their cash away like water when one is struggling just to put food on the table. Without a doubt, the wealth disparity is enlarging at every second. Good governments will find myself worrying about it, the growing resentment that can be a result of it. Others turn their blind eye to the presence of poverty, and the great United of States, probably one of the most developed nation of the world with military strength that her friends or foes can only dream of, still find people living in absolute poverty in the suburbs. One wonder how can such a problem be solved.

Even in Singapore, the system is beneficial for the rich, heavily biased towards the influential, even though it is never intended. Wealthy parents can afford the exorbitant and inflated tuition fees for their children, along with the transport that saves plenty of time. Accounts of parents buying places in school are by no means rare either. Overseas education is not difficult as well, with parents more than willing to chalk up 6 digits for their son/daughter’s future prospect. One wonder if Singapore is a society built for the rich, but I think this question isn’t just applicable for Singapore alone. Money makes the world go round. Is this statement never cease being vindicated?

And as a pure-bred Singaporean student, I’ll add the counter-argument to add balance to my writing all for the sake of it, although of course it remains irrefutable that there are the people from the poor families who did make. But I’m speaking of the norm here, the cultural trends that our education system may very well play a part in creating – the presence of elitism that creates the environment for the best to be better, as well as the other end of the bench where an atmosphere of education apathy, fuelled by bad peer influence, creates the dark side of the world which the naïve me never did foresee – a world in which the lives of youths can be so easily tainted by the abuse of drugs. It is a vicious cycle, and a player caught in it must easily work double to escape from it.

And indeed for us Christians how helpless we are in realizing that every of our problems find no solutions. Even the best will see a backlash, the kindest will have people abused and taken advantaged of. Our hope lies in the return of the King.

the game

2006-10-01T01:03:00.000+08:00

Sunday, October 01, 2006 T: 00 36

Soccer. For some, the thrill of watching 20 men across the field can be so foreign and totally incomprehensible. Yet at the same time, the ticket to the World Cup finals costs some people more than the air ticket to Germany itself. For me, exasperated with the numerous long and monotonous drama serials, seem to have everlasting zeal for 90 minutes’ game. Each weekend means several hours at the coffeeshop downstairs, glued to the plasma screen with a cup of drink besides me. I suppose it comes from the amazement and awe in watching the talent of the players, watching the likes of Henry and Ronaldo manipulating the ball as if it is a part of their bodies, the sportsmanship and cooperation that holds the team together, linking the defense, the midfield and the attack. It is the beautiful goals that astonish and thrill me, that 1 minute enough to nullify the other 89 minutes of seemingly wasted time. And as I watched the Arsenal-Charlton match just now, delighted with the skills and talent of the Arsenal players, I find myself unconsciously switching my support to the 0 point Charlton. I really admire them as they persevere throughout the entire match, searching hopefully for the sheer luck that may pit them against their opponents who are paid 10 times more than them. I think for them, a victory can be so much appreciated than their Chelsea counterparts. Because when they win, it’s not the just the individual that took them there, but the other team. Because when they win, the victory is the confirmation and vindication of their unfailing hope and motivation. Because when they play, they play for the game and for one another, not money…

in the days to come

2006-09-23T15:33:00.000+08:00

Saturday, September 23, 2006 T: 14 51

I told myself I’ll return to my studies after finishing this entry. I’m not sure however if I’m able to sustain such a commitment. Already the 42 days left to the A level examination has seen an acceleration towards peak velocity in the revision in many, and yet in that minimal few, very much including me, there seems to be that unspoken confidence and assurance that there is still plenty of time, the discomforting calm composure that everything will still turn out to be all right. To top it off, there is no source or basis for such assurance, not with prelim grades close to failing.

Yet I think I’ve concerned myself in business greater away for academic work. School ends early for me and a couple others to begin bridging sessions that lasts till night. The coziness of my sofa in the mrc room creates a never ending temptation to rest and sleep my entire life away. The deterioration in morale, enthusiasm, passion of my fellow juniors often holds priority over any concerns about my academic progress. I wish I could do something to possible ignite that flame of passion, yet I know it is very much up to the individual, the members of the committee which I have helped to chose. I’m disappointed at the superficial relationships among them, yet at the same time feel so helpless and useless. And indeed, I’m very much confident that they will continue to do a good job, satisfactory at the very least to the public eye. Yet I think my zeal in this cca arises not only from the satisfaction gained from a job well done, but also from the relationships forged with my grand-seniors, my seniors, my crew, my juniors and to some extent my teachers. A crew held by tolerance and not acceptance can get a job done, yet for what greater purpose I ask? You know what’s ironic? I spend my four years of my secondary school life cca-less.

The next 42 days will a greater range of emotions from students across the entire cohort. For the J1s, it will be a desperation to do well for promos and be promoted, and a period for jubilation and exhilaration after that, saved for several outcry from the leaders destined for the C-Cab camp. For the J2s, it will be a building up of nervousness and tension reaching a climax right before November 3. Definitely, the last 4 weeks before prelims will see an atmosphere of increasing apprehension and worries, and as I sit here writing with many thoughts running through my mind, wondering whether the goal of 4As is still a visible one, knowing somewhat that I’ll be able to keep myself really relaxed and calm until the very last day before ‘A’ levels. For me at least, that’s just a tiny glimpse of hell.

on relationships

2006-09-09T01:22:00.001+08:00

Friday, September 08, 2006 T: 18 09

As I listen to the song ‘Chasing Cars’ by Snow Patrol, there is a certain hollowness and emptiness within me. Maybe the time has come for yet another of my mood swings arises from my endless curiosity in the realm of relationships. Maybe this is an issue I’ll never escape from and continue to think and lament about it, wondering if I’m been a fool, wondering who I can confide in besides this obviously non-responsive document.

I went to swim on Monday, alone as many would be shocked about. Yet I suppose it is one of the few times that I can be in my own peace and quiet for a change, feeling my body move in the water on its own, drifting into the endless sea of thoughts, imagining once again what’s it is like to have a life partner, to have children. Maybe I’ve grown up.

I sometimes wonder if marriage and parenthood can be selfish by nature. I want to get married. I want to have a kid. Yet the promises to be made upon the signing of the marriage document or the birth of the child seems too much for a mere man to bear. Death after all comes undecided by any human, and I can’t help but feel how it seems so capable of destroying any marriage vows, no matter how faithful the husband or wife can be. We can’t bear living the rest of our lives alone, yet how many are forced to let their wifes or husbands live alone. Neither are we guaranteed that we are able to teach and guide our children well, in ways that can let them grow up to be compassionate godly people. They say we can only trust God that everything will turn out for the best. Yet look around, there are the sons and daughters of godly men who become bad. Who is to blame then? Why do people want kids, and to what extent that desire has a selfless motive?

I thought a recent MediaCorp drama serial portray the thoughts of modern men and women well in the issue of marriage and relationships, very much to my surprise because the local media prefers sending messages that are in line with the goals of the government, especially now that Singapore is suffering from a low birth rate. It shows how fragile the modern married couple is, as well as question the purpose of marriage and the lack of freedom it will result in. One character loves another, but would rather see her married to some other guy (which she herself love less) than to commit himself to making promises he suspect he could not keep.

I think I can go on and on about the wonders of singleness despite the often appalled reactions by my friends and acquaintances. Yet I still haven’t find for myself what is really worrying me. And on that Monday, as I continue to swim lap after lap seemingly unconsciously, attempting to visualize how I can be a good husband or father, I knew I can never be assured of that no matter what I can do. Do I really want to risk the happiness of another woman and possible children? Do I want to risk making a widow? Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever be bold enough…

It is so amusing why I spend most of my entire life mulling over this, thinking of relationships… Maybe I haven’t grown up, and as I listen the lyrics of Chasing Cars, I know that will never help quenching such thoughts either…

“If I lay here, If I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?’

pride & prejudice

2006-09-04T19:20:00.000+08:00

Monday, September 04, 2006 T: 18 27

As I frantically completed in the book by Jane Austen, abounding with eagerness to peruse the ending, I knew the reason why I found myself liking Pride & Prejudice. It is very much not because Keira Knightley is the actress of the movie, nor is it because the actors are very outstanding in their performances, but rather it is the script that I find myself loving, and I thank God that the director Joe Wright did not deviate much from the brilliant novel by Austen.

I find myself appreciating the dialogue among the characters very much. Each conversation is filled with a great amount of politeness and courtesy that can really well define a true gentleman and lady, very much unlike the rash and thoughtless outbursts among the people today, with tongues that lash out vulgarities all the time. Even criticisms are put across intelligently, often with a tinge of sarcasm. I wish I could speak like that, though doing so in this modern age would be tantamount to a social suicide and inviting condemnation and ostracization. No, it’s safer to stick to coarse language and humor, biased mocking and gossip.

The plot flows smoothly around the theme, beautifully shows how prejudice can lead to biasness which so often blinds people. I think I would have enjoyed the novel better if I had not watched the movie. Either way, I know why it has become a classic.

the constant gardener

2006-08-27T18:00:00.000+08:00

Sunday, August 27, 2006 T: 13 43

I watched movies to pass my free time, very recently, added Syriana and The Constant Gardener to my experience. Both are brilliantly directed, giving a brief sense of social realism in this world. I think it is movies like this that I truly appreciate and remember. Chick flicks after all so forgettable, at the same cost of my meals.

The Constant Gardener is about how a widow continued the work of his deceased wife which is to expose the horror deeds of pharmacy companies to test drugs on the Africans. And when they know that the drug is not perfect i.e. produces side effects, they cover up these isolated cases entirely. The wife, Tessa, a determined activist, died in the process. The husband took over, seemingly succeeded to do do, but joined his wife at the end of the movie.

Syriana, another movie, portrays the power struggle for oil, showing how America do not care the development of infrastructure and governance in the Middle East as long as they got what they wanted – oil. People are willing to kill for it. Terrorism can be born of it, because the foreign investors do not care about the workers and that employment, all motivated to the destination that promises the greatest profits.

Here we are, people of the developed nations, seated comfortably in front of the movie screens, and if we are human, ashamed and anguished at the loss of innocent lives at our gain. We are entertained by it nonetheless, leaving then our seats with that feeling of loss, gripped by the horror that Man could inflict suffering on another on his own kind. A while late, life continues as per normal. We are after all part of the developed world, able to ease our guilt by donating a few coins to the next round of flag day. We thrive on the presence of the poor. Like what an article in the Straits Times have suggested, Singapore need foreign workers to clean up her streets and dispose her rubbish. We need our sources of maids and ‘domestic workers’. If standards of living of these countries were to increase, then where are we going to get them? Further, in face of globalization, economical advantage and power becomes a priority. We want the jobs that pay well. We want people of our own country to get prosperous. One has to wonder how much the developed world actually wants to help the other nations, when thoughts revolve around oil and monetary profits.

All the same, every government is entitled to its own selfishness, and ‘to do what is best for its country.’ International cooperation and aid can become nothing more than a mere gesture, especially if there’s nothing to gain from it. This can be seen from the many unmet pledges of financial aid that has be promised. Who knows how much Aceh will actually get in the end? The Middle East is a treasure mind for the most precious resource of all, while the Africans can become possible guinea pigs for new drugs. After all, they would die of the sickness or starvation anyway, that is if they managed to survive the many internal conflicts, not to mention that prevalence of corruption that will never allow the country to escape from the vicious cycles, if not sinking deeper and deeper into debt. How many really cares?

I don’t deny I may be too bias. I won’t deny that there are people of course who really want to do good, and have done so, and that perhaps refer to the many doctors and nurses to see it as their duty to serve with their abilities. On a more macro skill, I question though the motivation of the developed nations, not excluding mine (though I think it prefers not be a first world nation).

Movies like these, they aim to touch the human compassion of viewers, or whatever that is left of it, cry out to that bit of humanity left in us. It can never promise a happily after all ending, because that is not how the world is. It will never be like the Hong Kong movie – 9 girls and a ghost – which functions only to enhance our fantasy world. No, they wants to provoke, ignite our sympathy and condolences for our own kind. But beyond this, will such feelings be transformed into actions, or just stay in our minds for an hour or two, dissolving gradually as one of the least important concerns, cast aside until the next such genre of movie arrives…

the conclusion

2006-02-16T21:41:00.000+08:00

February 16, 2006 T: 21 35

This blog shall come to an end on the 67th century. Rationale for this remains difficult to define, with time as an essential factor. The writer will thank all his readers for reading and appreciating his works, mostly nonsensical and peculiar.

The writer will close his blog with his favorite entry.

“Thrilled and delighted when she looked into my eyes, excited and panicking when she speaks to me, contented and gratified as I observed her from her actions…” It is that clear sparkling eyes that whispered gently of her intelligence and wit, the sweet smile and courteous laughter that never fails to melt heart; her voice in its hopefulness and softness (complements that careful selection of words) seems musical and angelic, lingers in the deepest of one’s mind before finally absorbed and understood. It is this very instance, when one looks through all her faults and flaws, and sees her in the light of perfection and impeccable self, awed by her ineffable presence, trapped in the moment. Yes, one could feel that very chemistry of nervousness and ecstasy.
In my reverie, I pictured her in a gown, full of elegance and grace, and captivated I was, lost in that moment of magic, stunned and speechless. My mind was a total blank except for the wish for the stoppage of time. High above, the stars glitter and shine in the dark and mysterious sky, as if somebody were taking photographs in hope of remembering this night forever…
“Never have I fallen, but I’m quickly on my way.”

a logical process of life

2006-02-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, February 14, 2006 T: 20 46

Today’s Valentine, and I found myself in deep thought, whether in misery, sadness or curiosity I’m not really sure, and no doubt I have some fears of learning of the real truth. After all, it can be painful. Perhaps in the midst of what I deemed superficiality and impracticality – the giving of flowers, I have battle myself against what is known as the world, and the influence it has on me. I wish I could be free, yet I knew I’ll never be released, not in this world.

The cynic is forever questioning the concept of love. Like art, it is abstract, relative and indefinite. Truly, a relationship calls for requited love, and when read in the light of the work of God, I wonder if it’s ever possible for humans to achieve it. I live a screwed life indeed, alternating between the love of God and of the world. I want to be able to love as how the Lord has loved, yet I still eternally entangled in my own tribulations. I want to be able to be said that I’m a Christian who is true to his faith, yet I’m still struggling with the affairs of this world.

I will not stop questioning my motives of pride and arrogance, to ceaselessly re-examine myself if I have loved. For this is the commandment of my God, and it has become my desire to please him.

I can’t help but wonder how I’ll be like if I’m not a Christian. I still recall myself spewing vulgarities, leading my own ‘carefree’ and ‘liberal’ life, though ironically liberty from God and goodness means slavery to Satan and sin. Somehow, I know at least I won’t be trying so constantly to juggle and struggle with myself… I seem to live a double lives, and it’s not surprising to see people who know me better see that constant 180 degrees change of phase. I wonder which side of me is better and more well-liked. I suspect that the Christian side of me will brought in direct hatred and detest. Sigh… Maybe this double life always leads to my identity crisis. Truly, who is me and which is myself, and am I conforming myself to circumstances?

The confused self will never hesitate to query, ‘is my presence called for because I’m a member of the group, or because it is wanted.’

I wish to eradicate my worldly thoughts, yearn to be free from the emotions of life – the meaninglessness of romance and infatuations and crushes which the whole society is hoodwinked to believing in. Perhaps I shall counter all this by logic, by definitions and analysis, since I am a Science student after all.

Emotions and feelings are after all things so abstract and incomprehensible. Perhaps I am one of the finer products of the Enlightenment and find my assurance in logic and reasoning, though how it has led me to God is some miracle very much thanks to the grace of God.

Then again, perhaps it is the deviation from practicality for that someone that ironically grants it value. After all, practicality has become relative today.
It is a joy to be a Christian, because the hope of the final vindication will bring about an end to confusion and chaos.

the self-centered creature

2006-02-11T20:19:00.000+08:00

Saturday, February 11, 2006 T: 19 48

The self-centered creature is apathetic to the problems of others. It is only concern when it ends up in that same predicament.

A week ago, a few of us wanted to meet up another friend. It turns out that the latter promptly arrives at the meeting location, only to wait purposelessly for half hour. He left alone after that and no extra pleading, begging, nor apology would bring him back. We question his sanity, his intelligence, perhaps even his selfishness, for going all the way to the MRT station only to return home. A complete waste of time and effort indeed – it would not be if only he would care to forgive and wait a while longer. Ironically, I found myself in an almost similar circumstance. I left, as simple as that, irritated and annoyed. Was I insane? Was I stupid? Was I wasting my time and effort? To the last question, it sure is – my journey there that is, definitely not the one back.

I have been the selfish creature, not hesitating to criticize, to complain and to insult, only to realize the entire truth when I faced the same problem. Maybe when we criticize, we never fail to see the speck of dust in another’s eye, yet oblivious to the plank in ours’.

I finally realize too when my education for the past 12 years have been demanding an emphasis on punctuality. I finally realize my frustration and fury of my teachers in response to the lateness of handing up work by students. A failure to be punctual is not just causing the other party to wait a while longer; rather it simply expresses the insignificance of him or her. My friend whom I have once labeled as dense must have been thinking of the hypo criticism of it all – ‘there they are apologizing to me, as if I am some VIP when they could not even be punctual for the meeting with me!’

As a Christian, I should have known very clearly to always put myself in the shoes of others, and not blindly attacked others based on my position as a selfish victim. Surely, in this area, I have failed.

Perhaps for many of us who never pause to push the blame unto others, to swear and curse and others, it is time for a re-examination of our lives. Have we neglected the planks in our eyes? Are we that blameless, that faultless? Have we examined carefully the complete picture of the issue? Even if the criticism can turn out to be fair, are we going to live our lives with eternal detest for the other party?

To do unto others what others have done unto to you is insufficient. Rather we must do unto others what we would like them to do unto us. Or even further, we must love in spite of everything else. It is only then we can be worthy as the adopted children of God.

I will forgive, not to show off my magnanimous and gracious nature (for truly I am that selfish and self-centered creature, but rather because in ways greater, and I mean much astronomically greater, the Lord has forgiven me.

giving and receiving

2006-01-22T21:27:00.000+08:00

Sunday, January 22, 2006

I had walked into my first class of the year with a certain initial biasness which I now view unfair very much unfair to the teacher. It have made me realize the lack of reliability of one-sided accounts, especially that of victims. Perhaps it is now I realize how the subject Social Studies/History in high school can be of value in our day-to-day living. I never did conceive that very day that he will be the first teacher to point out problems in our class, and attempt to spur cohesion and unity. Through his sharing of his speculations of an observer, he ignited the hopes and wishes once again of several students, though mine seem to be a mixture of thoughts which revolves more towards the philosophical and ‘theoretical’ aspect that seems capable of describing and explaining the situation of the class probably typical across the school (though this I guess seems to be a baseless generalization).

It might have raised an outrage if I were to say I seem contented with the way things are. I don’t consider it apathy, since it’s not really I give no two hoots about the class, but on the other hand continue my ministry of service to what that is asked of me, though at times I admit with reluctance, yet this is what my belief entails. I still struggling to find a balance between being a ‘door-mat’ to an ‘advocate of peace’, between being stepped over to just being a Christian. To do the latter is difficult, if not impossible, what’s more the journey to find that true ideal balance. For now, I would say my position in my class isn’t that problematic, but rather it’s MRC. Anyway, coming back to the class affairs, I do feel that the presence of cliques is very much a nature of any human society. It is, I feel, within the natural human instinct/psychology, to be grouped accidentally and unintentionally by interests, and it is too human self-centeredness to remain in that comfort zone. I admire those who never give up trying to reach out in all directions, since I am an introvert who is pretty much resigned after trying, and thus focusing only my feeble attempts on people who are really outcasts – and who aren’t girls (not that I’m a sexist or wrongly sexually oriented). The presence of cliques is a phenomenon but not a rarity at all. Currently, the class seems divided into four, with each somehow being in one of them at least. For me, it doesn’t really seem that bad, and interestingly, I don’t really see the constant concern and anxiety over it, saved for rebuking those who always expressed complete disinterest. Perhaps it’s just me…

I find however disconcerting of the presence of constant gossip and backstabbing. Gossip about a complete stranger, though wrong and foolish and usually highly superficial, can be tolerated, though wrong all the same (we live in a screwed up world). It is that constant talking about a friend behind his back (not praises mind you but criticisms and complains) which begins getting on my nerve and the interchangeable dual personalities (maybe even triple) that is my concern, especially when such occurs in one that proclaims himself Christian. Maybe this is why a senior pointed out the hypocriticism of Christianity in this institute, and I find myself reluctantly gradually believing that this is so. Even for myself, I don’t doubt that I have conformed myself to peer pressure at times, and thankfully, the aftermath has always been at least a reflection of horror. It is not hard to imagine why my top priority is not to be just a person inundated with Christian theology and intellectualism.

If you really ask in full detail of what my true hope for my classmates would be, I don’t think it’s really the near impossible of expansion and merger of cliques to form the major one of 23. It is one of my wishes, but definitely not on the top of my list. Rather, it is the hope that superficiality can be removed, tolerance can be increased. By tolerance, I do not mean bearing in suffering, agony and pain, but forgiving in understanding and knowledge that each is different. Maybe in time to come, this circle can come to include teachers, though the hatred of one or two is very much etched within the souls of several. It is my also my dream to see gossip removed, and frankness instilled. By frankness, I do not mean bluntness, but tactful and useful criticism for edification, though that is a very thin line to draw across.

In conclusion, through the months I have spent in this college, I have realized the immense numbers of Christians around me, at least people proclaiming to be one. It is sad knowing that these numbers do not seem to mean anything. It is depressing knowing that churches have not fully taught probably the meaning of Christianity. The citizenship in the kingdom of God calls for a radical living. Yet, it is dismal to note that there are non-Christians in the school very much give a shut-ear to the gospel when they look at their fellow schoolmates who pronounced themselves servants of the gospel…

church history

2005-12-29T12:02:00.000+08:00

Sunday, December 25, 2005 T: 17 57
Thursday, December 29, 2005 T: 11 59

Dear readers,

It came as a gradual surprise when I realize that more and more people seem to read my blog. Anyway, thanks for reading and do comment so that I do know you are there.

I understand that a couple of you post replies and seem to get none from me. This I apologize. I will try to make an attempt to.

Finally, the next entry (below) may prove to be a bit hard for comprehension and understanding due to my pathetic grasp of the language. Do point out key mistakes that I have. Thanks.

Sherman

There are some who fear reaching books like the Da Vinci Code, Harry Potter etc because it may cause repercussions to their Christian faith. [Though to this, I have a cynical response since from the Calvinistic point of view, if such blaspheme causes one to ‘fall off the cliff’, chances are high that he or she isn’t a Christian to begin with. On the other hand, if it raises just doubts and questions that can be easily be answered by mature, doctrine-sound Christians, then he or she would be further rooted in Christ altogether.] But if I would to say that History can even be more stumbling than these ‘anti-Christ’ books, would you believe me? Harry Potter and the other books no doubt are fiction. Dan Brown’s books, with an early disclaimer mentions that some of the names and societies listed in the book may be true (which spark off the questioning of the Cannon), have distorted the truth altogether. The Chinese call this ‘duan zhang qu yi’. Church history on the other hand is a book based on reality, supported by witnesses and evidence. Like Science, the very notion that it can be proven (though to a lesser extent) means that it can be more capable of distorting the image of God, doing harm to the faith in Christianity.

Over the holidays, I have spent much time reading Christian books. Most recently, I have completed Lion’s Handbook of History of Christianity. More or less, it provides a brief concise of the progress of the church right after Christ’s death, from the times of Acts to the present, modern age. It is remarkable to note the power of Christianity right from the start, especially when Constantine came into power and make the church into the official religion. That begins an age when even kings have to take into consideration the church and the pope.

Yet throughout the history, especially post 500 A.D, it is dismal to note the decline of the church. It did grow in power, in the size of its congregation and members, but people begin having wrong ideas about the Bible and the Cross. The catholic (mainstream) church begins engaging in more and more rituals, even resorting to violence in response to the opposition, people of which they pronounced heretics. Some they banish and exile, others they executed and flamed. As time continues, sure enough, different opinions resulted in arguments, later battles (better known as crusades) and even war, dividing the church instead of promoting growth. And indeed, it is curious to note how people from the past till now always slough their lives out searching for the confirmation of salvation, mostly through religion, when the answers seem to be right in front of them. In a way, the idea by philosophers that religion is just a form of escape or a way of instilling moral values is perhaps consequential of such. Worse still, it leads people to a wrong perception of the faith and the truth. And indeed even in this present day we must still be wary of false teaching, for it stumbles and leads us to a false reality. We also hear of non-believers criticizing the church as a hypocritical community, viewing Christians as a bunch of arrogant individuals who believe that others will be banished to hell, even more depressing when they highlight the unthinkable acts of Christians (or at least people who claim to be) and condemned it thus right from the start. And I say to you, as Christians, if we continue to live in our old self when at the same time proclaiming that we are believers of the faith, then perhaps we are very much equal to the false prophets who misled the congregation into accepting false doctrines since in the same way, we misled others into thinking Christians are just a group of self-righteous and pride people!

I find it possible to attribute the cause of the decline of the church to simply the lack of entry to God’s word. In the old days, writing materials is scarce and expensive, and history records that a scholar would find himself fortunate to have a few books of Scripture. Consider this fact today, when each of us probably have a few different versions of the Bible, we are indeed a fortunate bunch. Back then, chances are the wrong interpretation of Scripture by the leaders would very much go uncorrected by the mostly poor and uneducated citizens. And even if there is one or two, they would sadly be condemned as heretics. The church is after a very powerful political power in the olden days, and the pope perhaps possess power more than a king himself. Gradually, legalism grows with the questionable theology based solely on tradition, quite much like the Pharisees of the past I would say. There is even an increasingly amount of immorality too within the clergy and the lay people. And that’s probably when the great German Reformer, Martin Luther, steps up to present his 95 Theses on scriptural grounds. JI Packer greatly sums it all up in his book, “God Has Spoken”.

“I know for myself what it is to enjoy the Bible – that is, to be glad at finding God and being found by Him in and through the Bible; I know by experience why the psalmist called God’s message of promise and command his delight and his joy, and why he said that he loved it (Ten times in the book); I have proven, as have others, that as good food yields pleasure as well as nourishment, so does good word of God….Bible study will only give enjoyment if conforming to our Creator in belief and behavior, through trust and obedience, is its goal.”

And indeed, what a blessing it is to have God’s Revealation with us! In the midst of all that arguments about doctrines, be it the Trinity, predestination or even the most recent of all regarding the ordination of women, it is reassuring to know that we have the number one authority with us – God’s Word Himself! And this is the criteria which will differentiate the servants of the gospel to that of Satan. It is Scripture that shall correct all wrong assumptions, and it is the infallible Scripture that shall allow Christians today to share the same faith as Paul, John and the rest of the apostles.

The Enlightenment movement in the 18th century has brought about critics to the fundamentals of the compilation of 66 books we call the Bible. People question the Canon and thus the reliability of Scripture. Some deemed Christianity just a belief concocted for religious purposes. And with the quick advance of Science, it seems no surprise that the church begin losing in attendance, and evangelism turns out to be more difficult than before, demanding logical and intellectual answers to Darwinism and Canonization. To me, the historical evidence of the presence of the books is already present. The huge number of greatly similar manuscripts of the books written around 0-300 A.D discovered already can satisfy that. After all, it is hard to believe that people can actually make up something that flawless. Besides, if it is bullshit, it would have received much condemnation and objection by the people. On the contrary, the church grew in power and numbers since. A greater concern and query lies however in the canon, as to who acknowledges the list of books that are to be in Scripture. Some pointed out that the canon involves a list of strict criteria which the early church follows in determines its position, though this does bring in doubts. Nevertheless, the canonization of the Bible is no small feat, and to me, the notion that churches all over the world actually agree on this 66 books shows something no short of a miracle and the inspiration of God. For more details, http://www.pastornet.net.au/rtc/canon.htm is a help website. I quote the conclusion.
“The Church has dealt with this situation as does one who knows and points to a certain person as father or mother. Such a knowledge rests not on demonstration but upon direct experience; it is most closely connected with one's own identity. In this and no other way must we picture the knowledge and 'decision' of the Church concerning the Canon.48In this way the history of the canon a posteriori supports the redemptive-historical a priori. Yet it remains a confession of faith that the canon of the New Testament corresponds exactly to Christ's canon. Their identity cannot be absolutely established by historical study. Historical evidence and "proofs" take us only so far. As in so many other areas there comes a point where it becomes a matter of faith. Our theological presuppositions and the historical evidence dovetail, but not perfectly. While our view of the canon does greater justice to the historical process than do, for example, the views of Harnack and the Roman Catholic theologians, we do not claim any infallible criteria of canonicity. In the end, with Ridderbos, we must acknowledge in faith that the empirical canon coincides with the canon of Christ. We can be absolutely certain and not just "practically" certain about the status of the canon,49 but our certainty does not depend upon our study of historical data, but it comes from our faith in the sovereignty and providence of God. “

As we move into the new millennia, the church will see no end to an opposition. Perhaps today, the heard voice of human freedom and liberty has seen to it that churches receive lesser persecution than before, at the very least in the first world countries. Yet the new century also brings along intellectual thought which bases truth on logical reasoning and evidence. Faith, something that presents who knows ages ago, seems to be an abstract and foreign concept altogether. “Without doubt, claims for Christian revelation must cope with an exceptionally relativistic environment, coming to terms with the New Age, energetic cults, thke new physics, the insights of post-Vatican II Roman Catholicism and the strongest face-to-face encounters with the living and powerful religions in centuries.”

“These will be critical issues that must be embraced within the next chapter of history. They are of such profound nature as to challenge shallow pragmatisms and to driver men and women back to asking fundamental questions about purpose and reality. If the Christian church fails to meet such questioning with answers of sufficient dept and conviction, it will have failed at a vital turning point of human history.”

___________

Present and Future – John Briggs
Revelation of God – Peter Jenson
Formation of New Testament Canon - Stephen Voorwinde
God has spoken - JI Packer

the race

2005-12-23T00:40:00.000+08:00

Sunday, December 18, 2005 T: 14 12

I was somehow convinced and persuaded easily to join YF Amazing Race, perhaps out to satisfy my curiosity of the fellowship I was coerced by nature to leave, or perhaps to help the Sec 4s get used to PUNJ. If it was the latter reason, I must say the very fact that only two of them turned up is somehow disappointing, though I’m gratified to see that they seem to enjoy the company of old people pretty much, nevertheless amazed at their enthusiastic and ardent nature. It must be comical, I can imagine from an omniscient point of view, to see me lumbering after those two after one or two soundless grumbles about their high energy levels. Still, I suppose that’s where the interest of the world mostly lies – zeal.

As I hear descriptions of it from my brother, from Kenny and Grace yesterday, I found myself question whether YF has grown. Surely enough, it has significant growth in size, (my brother has commented that the attendance yesterday was only about 50-60%), yet my concern is its growth in Christ-centeredness, the most important of any church. I don’t think I’m capable of judging anyway. It seems sad in any case to hear the gradual depletion of the Y Com. I feel proud that my batch of com members seems still to be the best, yet I wonder if we have done a good job in handing down our duties and inculcating in others the zeal in serving the church, wonder if we have done our part in teaching the younger ones about the goal and priorities of servant hood. Today, it was especially disconcerting to notice in presence of elitism within a fellowship we termed Christian. To me, the sight of them choosing their comfort zone makes me wonder about the modern Christian circle. And indeed, such is not only typical in our church, but also of others as well, not to mention the very one next door. As a church grows in size, will it simply be reduced to cliques, engulfing those who are included, isolating and displacing those who are determined by the elites to be outcasted? To make it worse, are the decisions of these elites anywhere near selflessness? For me, I find myself guilty too in always remaining in the comfort zone designated by me, engaging only the familiars, and shrink away from the outsiders. How much of a Christian I am? I find it exceptionally helpful to see people, the leaders and the mature Christians, always eager to make the newcomers feel at home, and maybe this is something I should look forward to in my daily walk in Christ. Understandably, it is much easier to preach than practice.

When I was younger, I deemed a more sinless life to be an isolated one, maybe something like Robinson Crusoe. In my immaturity, I have thought a world without any other people to be more suitable for a sinless. Yet come to think of it, isn’t this very thought itself the epitome of selfishness and self-centeredness itself? Isn’t wanting to live myself easier because I don’t have others but only myself to love and care for? In the OT, the very idea of city building by Cain is sinful enough. And as people living in the post-Christ times, isn’t evangelism our responsibility as servants of the gospel? Indeed, how foolish and childish I once was!

Similarly, I think it is incumbent upon me to aid the Sec 4s in the transition from YF to PUNJ, and it will be my prayer that they will delight in learning more about Him, gradually becoming more and more rooted in the Word of God. I find it disturbing somehow that only 4 people from my batch of YF graduates become regular PUNJ attendees, despite an initial confidence. The rest seems to disappear, just attending service alone. Maybe it will be time for a change.

As for YF, it will be my hope that they will grow steadily into a church worthy of the gospel, that the youths will come to seek ardently God, and marvel at His awesome majesty and love. It is too my hope that they will be prepared to love one another and spur one another on, not only within their own clique, which even so I doubt presence of mutual encouragement in Christ.

It is always reassuring to know that the conversion of a person is not by the pathetic and insignificant me, but it is the work of the Paraclete – “the illuminating of human hearts; the regenerating and sanctifying of sinners; the actualizing of gifts and good works; the Holy Spirit bearing witness to our adoption and helping our human weakness; the supernatural engendering of faith, prayer, hope, love and all the many facets of Christlike character; and so forth.” – JI Packer

equivalent trade, do you want it?

2005-12-18T00:36:00.000+08:00

Saturday, December 17, 2005 T: 23 53

Having a rather academic history, competition has always been a motivation in my pursuit of education. Selfish and arrogant I admit it has been, it seems nevertheless to push me this far. I feel proud at getting rather good results despite my indolence, yet at the same time guilty of such a pride. On my way, I can’t help but notice the diligent ones who struggle half their life away yet with minimal achievements, not to boast of my own intelligence which I feel is also way beneath many. It seems not fair suddenly, that the old proverb of hard work pays seems no longer in existence. That seems to be a lie. There seems no equivalent trade, no law in this world. And this very fact has brought some to tears, and as a observer, I wonder about the suitable response to such people. ‘Work harder’ seems to be the epitome of sarcasm and malice. ‘Misfortune it must be this time’ seems to be too frequent a reason for encouragement, if not just a lame excuse. Sometimes, one questions if God is fair.

My church, Adam Road Presbyterian Center, can be almost accused of being the church of only the wealthy and the intelligence. And indeed, most of the congregation is all in specialized professions, doctors, lawyers and so on. This is also typical of many churches. Yet surely the gospel is not only for the smart, but for all, equal in the eyes of God. To make it worse, false teachers use such trends to preach the prosperity gospel, that material wealth will accompany the strength of faith. They quote some coincidental examples, and twist and turn the verses of God’s word, reading them totally out of context. I doubt the credibility of prosperity gospel, and it has no root at all in God’s word, this I have come to believe. God’s word does not promise material wealth, but it promise the wealth of wisdom and love. By wisdom, it’s not our own folly, but that of God’s, gifted to us by the Holy Spirit to allow us to be more Christ-like. I would like to think that Christianity is a perfectly logical faith and in a way, it thus attracts the more intellectual ones to believe. It is a ‘religion’ grounded by truth and historical evidence, unlike the other pagan religions which are totally flawed and have doubtful sources. The Cross is for all.

Going back to the first issue, my response is that each of us will have a gift of some sort. There will always be the very gifted theologians and preachers, like Augustine and Calvin, and there are the hundreds of common folks who would just seem to be capable of being plain followers. There will always be the people who suffer more and Christians who lead indeed a very good life. There will always be the pagans who seem to live a life of bliss, compared to the suffering Paul or the crucified apostles. But what if this is all in God’s plan so to speak? What if God’s purpose in that distribution of gifts and circumstances is present so that more can be saved by the Cross, that there will always be people of each social level to evangelize, and it will be of higher effectiveness if the backgrounds are similar? What if having material wealth does not mean less suffering since that wealth and power will tempt one further to sin, and risk the compromise of his or her godliness?

I think three facts of God will always be with me as I survive through this city of Man so full of sin and contempt. Firstly, the love of God is inconceivable (shown ultimately through and by the Cross) and He will always delight in the increasingly number of people coming to salvation. Secondly, God is sovereign and he has a perfect plan already for us. We may complain of unfairness and injustice but bear in mind that we all have a part to play and that He who begins a good work in us will carry it to the end. Thirdly, the promise of the life time is already there right in God’s word. One day, we shall all be vindicated and finally be in the City of God, and that itself is I think the ultimate lack of equivalent trade, only thanks to the love and grace of God.
_______________
I hope I put this across rightly and will not do injustice to God in this entry. I think I plan also to write a book after my ‘A’ levels regarding the doctrines and in attempt to answer as many questions as possible. At times, I think I tend to be more worried that I may see the Bible as some academic literature with its flawlessness that I neglect the practical aspect and implications of it. I pray too that I will continue to read more books and hopefully write a book that is accurate and does not compromise on the love and justice of our Almighty God.

one more chance

2005-12-12T19:26:00.000+08:00

Monday, December 12, 2005 T: 18 53

Despite many blunt comments about the pathetic nature of our local Chinese serials, especially when compared to those directed by Hong Kongers, many would still be able to appreciate our local movie productions, perhaps much thanks to Jack Neo and his ability to engage public opinions and current affair issues in ways hilarious and more agreeable manner. Till now, I’m still struggling to wonder if the government actually is in favor of the movies He has produced, though it’s an observed fact that the government has much control of our Singapore media.

Nevertheless, Neo’s latest movie – namely One more Chance or Shan ge hao ren – did addressed a key issue in society today. And as a viewer, I must say I am touched, both in the heart and the mind; moved by the portrayal of the relationships among the characters, provoked thoughtfully by the issues the movie highlights. In a nutshell, the movie describes how three men found themselves behind bars and proceed to attempt to live a life at least worthy of being called righteous in morality. Yet ex-convicts they are, the criminal record remains a permanent blemish on their resume, almost screaming out loud the condemnation of their souls and personhood. Sent to jail they are, punished justly for their mistakes, yet still sent to their deaths by society – whose despise and harsh rejection almost render them no longer humans, no longer useful.

Will they one day be normally accepted? In our midst perhaps, Christian surroundings it can be, there can be apprehension in interacting with people way below our intellect. And if so, how much more harder it may be for ex-convicts to be forgiven for their transgressions? It is no wonder that many return to their own ways, yes, to be returned to where they once belong, yet at least that world can accept them, where at least security can somehow be found, where at least people can look at them in the eye, saved for the blood-thirsting rotan for repetitive offenders for their apparent adamancy and stubbornness. Most of the time though, where else can they go?

I think Neo did a very good job highlighting this to the public through the production, at the very least be able to spark off a certain level of guilt and self-reflection, if negative condemnation of them cannot be eradicated over night. Proudly, I’ll too praise the Yellow Ribbon Project, initiated by Christians, which seeks to give the chance ex-convicts sorely need. It would be my prayer that they can gradually be accepted by people, my pleasure all the more if they have come to know the true and living God who is capable of putting to death their own self and spur them towards goodness and perfection.

After all, they are humans too, born with a body like million others have, equipped with the mind and heart, made in God’s image, having seen at the very least the general revelations of God, what we would call conscience. A criminal after all is very much like every one of us, except that he has put to action his sinful thoughts, except that he got caught. As Christians, surely we would forgive as the Lord has forgiven after all. After all, who are we to judge the lives of others? Ours may not be much better as well, just masked by hypocritism and false fronts. Wretched we are, says Paul, yet thanks be to God who has displayed His awesome love and inconceivable grace through the death and resurrection of His son, whom He love too.

Full Metal Alchemist

2005-11-26T11:22:00.000+08:00

Saturday, 26 November 2005 T: 11 03

I have completed my first series of Anime – Full Metal Alchemist. It is a series which is very much unlike Naruto and Bleach. The latter two are fundamentally and simplistically revolving around the need for perseverance and the power of love and friendship. Full Metal Alchemist do include them, yet the award winning anime also very much focus on philosophy and perhaps ask the questions many are and will continue to search for.

I slept at 4 to complete the last several episodes of Full Metal last night, in order to feel that sense of completion. Yet upon finishing that last episode, that feeling of hollowness, of emptiness is still there. Maybe because it wasn’t a ‘happily ever ending’ after all.

I seem never to get tired of that cliché ‘happily ever after ending’. Maybe it’s just that sense of deprivation of such perfection in this world. I long for perfection, I seek for it, and I’ll never attain it in reality. Perhaps it’s always it’s such TV shows, be it those Chinese serials, movies or anime, with such endings that grant me the glimmer of hope that perfection can exist. This hope and wish is very much wrongly placed, false and baseless. Yet is it not this hope that often grants me that encouragement to go on, in pursuit of that almost impossible dreams and fantasies?

Will there be a ‘happily ever after’ in my life, in this world we termed real and tangible? Can my dreams be fulfilled? In my dreams they will be. Perhaps dreams are never meant to be, if not they won’t be called ‘dreams’ in the first place…

Like several other movies and shows, the ending of Full Metal cruelly and brutally pounds home that fact that what we seek will not be what we get. Putting in hard work may not at all have its results. The same love may provide unequal happiness in the lives of others. This is all limited by our abilities and our psychologies, somehow already pre-set right from the beginning. There will be no equivalent trade in this world after all.

p.s. watch it, it is an excellent anime.

a bugging question

2005-11-21T22:07:00.000+08:00

Monday, 21 November 2005 T: 22 05

Having just watched a TV serial showing a guy beating another over a girl, I begin to feel curious about the norm and possible reaction of the girl in particular, especially that of a real incident. Will there be a feeling of honour, or just a complete ‘freak off’? I always find myself wondering what are truly in the minds of them when they learn that someone whom they are uninterested in are seriously infatuated with them? I believe that answers to these questions should lead to my better understanding and comprehension of the world.

the miraculous feat

2005-11-06T00:17:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 6 November 2005

Today, science-fiction novels and movies always predicted work to be replaced by robots, robots that are capable of performing duties as commanded efficiently and without much rest. Even more amazing movies that I Robot or Stealth suggests machines capable of making decisions and think like a human mind. While these prove to be great and possible concepts of the future, some doubt that machines can every have emotions. It seem too impossible.

My answer to that will be why not, if actually one that is capable of making considered decisions is actually created. In a way, the human ability to reflect and think is what made us different from the other animals which we considered more lowly than us. And isn’t this ability to reflect and think based on our capability to feel, to respond to surroundings as well as be able to learn from past experiences. Thus, if a robot is able to consider choices, able to learn from mistakes, then will he not be prone to emotions as well, that is to love and to hate.

What rather amazes me is the wonder that the we are just made of atoms, and it’s the interaction of zillions of these particles which made up me. What amazes me is this ability to reflect based on basically chemical reactions in my mind. What marvels me is a survival instinct that animal and plant possess, and my question is do cells have, especially when some are simply created to die? If not, then isn’t it possibly curious to realise that while the smallest unit of life do not have this instinct, the gathering of thousands of such units feel the urge to survive…

living our lives

2005-10-27T22:44:00.000+08:00

I was on the bus yesterday when a haggard man board the bus with his huge and bulky bags of used aluminium drink cans. At first, it was that feeling of irritation and despise, but soon, I repent and perhaps feel the pity, sympathising with him, yet at the same wonder, wonder if he would want that anyway.

Perhaps in our lives, often we seem to take things for granted, and living in a developed country, there seems no room for poverty and destitute living. Those sights are very much ignored by the media. Society would often wants to create a world where there is only wealth and prosperity, and poverty is nothing but an eyesight. Yet it’s so real, isn’t it, when we look at old and senior citizens cleaning and dusting their backs away, when we see their one-room flats and wonder how the hell is that fit for human living, when we look at their salary, their income, and shocked at how that meagre sum is able to pay for their upkeep. As I watch the man tugging his bags down the stairs home, there is somehow an indescribable pride I feel in him, somehow an admiration for his perseverance and willingness to lead the simple life that he seems destined to lead, even if it leaves him in a state of skin and bones. And it’s times like this can I look back at my life, and fully regret taking things for granted, perhaps even including the faith given to me by grace.

For if I do know that all possessions are temporal, and are insignificant in the eyes of the Lord, why then do I in my prayers pray for passing of grades and getting As? If I am truly a Christian commissioned to live a life of daily worship of others-centeredness, why then even I bother to pray for myself, saved for growth in the spiritual walk and gospel-work? It’s interesting the way it has been pointed out to me that Jesus’s teachings in prayer is specific in only asking for daily bread, not the securing of Christian? For surely the God of providence will grant us our essentials and if he would take us away, then it’s also to his glory and praise.

Should we then mourn of the passing away of Christians, especially of individuals who have suffered due to their faith? I don’t suppose so. Rather, we should rejoice, since he is with the Lord.

To all who have consistent prayers for their friends and relatives in their health, financial abilities, why not just pray that they will grow in Christ instead, why pray that they will come to know him? For if you truly love them, then would you rather see them condemned to the eternal lake of burning sulphur? God’s justice after all is as real as His love, and the vindication of people who have acknowledged him would naturally mean the punishing of the enemies…

insights and reflections 1

2005-10-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 23 October 2005 T: 21 43

It’s been a while since I wrote. I thought I have a few reflections that I hope to share. Hopefully, it may be meaningful.

1. C-Cab Camp

I do remember walking into the LT along with my boss (the president) with apprehension. To me, the concept of having a camp which involves physical training and corporal punisihment does not at all make sense. After all, what’s has fitness got to do with decision-making in Media Resource, except perhaps the hurling of heavy speakers and amplifiers? Perhaps in my dread of undergoing torture somewhat voluntarily, I am blinded to the advantages and goodness of what that can be left in store for me. Now that I’m sitting here, I think it’s positive that the camp has grant me at the very least insights and wisdom which I can reflect about, and hopefully share it to others.

If you were to ask people the purpose of leadership, what would be the common answers? Is it for fame, for glory, for honor, for power, for leaving that so-called legacy that grants one pride? And to that, I can’t help but wonder, how useful can that be when one is finally on his death made? Apparently, coming from a world of 100% mortality, it’s amazing to see how death can make redundant many things we men have considered to be pleasures and delights of life, no matter how temporal they actually are. Likewise, how many people will remember what I have actually done? I give it two to three generations of juniors and I’m as good as being wiped out from the college.

What then do we work for? Having a past of doing ‘backstage work’, things like video, lighting, sound and lcd, which are often overlooked, where the easiest way for its presence to be felt of is probably the lack of it, I find it consoling at the very least to know that at least I do not work for fame, for praise, that otherwise often clogs up the minds of others. Instead, the objective for my work should be simply to serve.

As I’ve constantly proclaimed and declared the gospel, the call to worship is not just the call to sing during our weekly chapels and services. Rather it should be the call the love both the lovable and the unlovable, friends and enemies. I would boldly say that the presented AC spirit should not be some unique atmosphere that appears to separate us from the ‘spirits’ of other schools and institutes, rather the spirit that we are commanded to possess is simply love and encouragement for our fellow neighbors. During the camp, the games, we should prioritise safety, not because to secure some brownie points in our anxiety to win. We cheer and shout, not to gain the favor and recognition of teachers and other leaders, but to exhort and push one another, to encourage one another as we take that leap of faith. Lastly, we suffer together somehow to be bonded (though I do am puzzled how on earth does punishing others because of a mistake of another reflect truly the college values preached to the students), and perhaps it’s through that suffering, through being a follower, can we learn to be exemplary leaders.

2. The Vicious Cycle in our Screwed Education System

In order to facilitate the different learning paces of students, MOE has devised streamings, segregation of the gifted from the cohort, provided different institutes for different educations. Such, as much as it seems to help students, is still often flamed, for causing unnecessary stereotypes, brilliantly captured in the movie ‘I not Stupid’ directed by Jack Neo.

While today’s society almost condemn the ITEs as ‘it’s the end’, thinking less highly of vocational training graduates, I often wonder if they exist simply just because of stereotyping and stigmatising. For in my opinion, for such to exist, there too must be some basis and reasoning for that to happen. My point is this, ‘realistically speaking, how many ‘N’ level students actually make it to University?’. Are they there because they are of low intellectual abilities? I would dare say that there are some who are probably smarter but less diligent that the other in Express stream. The reason why they seem stuck in that cycle is simply because of the culture and peer influence students have to experience.

If you ask me, I shall suggest that for the same person, it’s much more difficult getting perfect grades in neighbor school than in a independent school well recognised for their results. This is simply because it take guts, perseverence and much motivation to not remain with the other 60% slackers, and move along with the drift; for a person who got into ‘N’ level maybe due to carelessness, a moment’s folly, or lower IQ, he has to work more than doubly hard to secure a place in college, simply because he has to overcome the peer pressure exerted probably in all directions on him. Sometimes indeed, it very much pains me to see youngsters, smoking, ingesting drugs, all because they mix with the bad company.

In a way, for students being in an environment probably made up of everyone who feels education and academics are not important, or who figure out that they CMI anyway and might as well drag some down with them, aren’t they caught in that vicious cycle implicitly caused by the government’s hopeful idea of education systems. Of course, there are some rare ones who benefit, who got into tertiary education in the end, but even so, you realise they belong often to the best classes of schools etc., where morale for studying is at its peak.

Subconsciously, we fail to see the power of peer influence. In actual fact, they are very significant, and I mean very, in shaping the decisions, the ideas, the thoughts, the maturity, and more often than we would like to admit, the future of individuals.

3. Love

Several entries ago, I have suggested that English, despite being a universal and highly commendable and recognised language, is still handicapped by its limited vocabulary. I find it quite silly to have words of the same meaning, and compromise on the other hand on specific meanings of word. By this, I’m refering to the word ‘love’, which exist in 4 different and distinct forms in Greek.

In my folly, I have presented the biblical love to be ‘agape’. I am mistaken. The fact is that the very first Hebrew, Greek Bibles included all different types of love, just that in their translation to English, they are all changed into one same word. This is why I often question the credibility and reliability of translations.

Anyway, as DA Carson interestingly pointed out, it is not easy to define and separate love so specifically, but rather by reading it according to its context, the meaning can be derived. In the Bible, he wrote that the love of Jesus is sometimes described as phileos and evil things as agape ‘e.g. the love of evil’. Indeed how ironic it is to love evil selflessly!

Nevertheless, our call to worship remains the same even though our word use can differ, that is to be other-centered, to love God, love neighbor.

The circle of trust (delicated to all who i know)

2005-10-11T22:08:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, 11 October 2005 T: 21 28

Sometimes when I hear advices ‘to be myself’, I can’t help but wonder how much of myself is truly myself? Is much of my character and personality fundamentally due to the environment, society and religion to which I’m exposed? Is my attitude and temperament just a result of my seventeen years of past? Do I even have the opportunity to be my individual self so to speak, if even scientists can suggest that personalities and responses to stimuli may be even by a result of genetic configuration? Perhaps not as long I’m not alone…

As much as we may hate to admit it, our friends and relationships have exercised a major pressure on us. We adapt, change to fit in. The same social circle, which grants several pride of being able to partake in that fellowship, cruelly excludes the others out. The same circle of trust that seeks to increase confidence and security of those allowed in it can harmfully causes demoralisation, depression and hopelessness in others. Each will struggle to avoid being excluded, will change to suit the likes of others. That being so, are our personalities simply resemblances of natural selection: the expression of gene traits that seem favourable. Are we slaves to our own biology?

Recently I found myself torn between two, caught in the border of the circle of trust, which have denied me earlier in some ways. In that period, I have survived and lived on, and somehow, either in reality or blinded by disillusion, currently find my peculiarities accepted. And when I look at the miserable few who are displaced from this circle, or remain sadly outside, I can’t help but feel that surge of guilt, of injustice and yet gladness that I’m at least halfway across in seemingly impenetrable boundary. This is pragmatic realism that seems present right from infinity. It is times like that when I found myself in search of that true identity I’ve been seeking all the years. There I am, in my writings, distinguished with descriptions of maturity and careful thinking, and on the other side of the world, I find myself crapping and lamenting like a foolish and childish brat, gossiping and criticising like an immature kid. It’s times like this I feel I seem to be too old to hang around with myself, perhaps in my own selfish refusal to be reduced to that level, instead sticking to the ignorant arrogance of my so-called mature image, yet too young and inexperienced to converse well with the working adults. It is times like this when I find no words to speak, but instead just listen, whether it’s people of my age group or people of one that’s significantly above me, in the hope of gaining wisdom and knowledge, inspiration and information which I figured out would be precious. In my human folly, there remains that desperate yearn to hold on to the mundane world of relationships, how wretched I am?

We long to be in that circle of trust. We would not to be removed from it. Then in the same, we should not retain others outside as well. Yet can such be achieved? Do I have the audacity to declare that I am totally unbiased and fair in my judgement and relations with people? No. That will remain a challenge for me: to love those whom I considered enemies or inferior to me; to include everyone in my social circle somehow. What right then do I have to consider others inferior after all? For before the Lord, is that pathetic human intellect taken into account? I doubt so. The circle of trust is always limited, perhaps out of fear of betrayals and backstabbers. Yet if we live our lives openly, in transparency and with a clear conscience, what do we have to hide?
‘Meet the In-Laws’ and ‘Meet the Fockers’ are two very great movies. In the midst of the crude humour and laughter and fun, lies a theme on family bonding that flashes in the minds of viewers. The wedding ring is not just valuable in cost and gold and diamond, it is also a circle of trust bounded by two lovebirds indeed.

detached.

2005-10-09T10:25:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 9 October 2005 T: 10 18

I was one those who went to the airport yesterday to send April away, one of the multitude who saw her walking into departure hall, only with a certain unspeakable gladness and joy for her, a confidence that she will return in radiance and success, and as an excellent ambassador of God.

It’s touching to see almost half the airport actually gathering to see you off, isn’t it?

When it’s my turn to leave (or if I do have a chance), I shall be gone in a blink, without the knowledge of any. Somehow, I must learn to be independent of people and like the wind, I shall come and go as I please, without a trace of melancholy or nostalgia. For I am and will account to no one except to the Lord that I walk with. I shall leave the world in silence, seeking the dream that I have come to pursue, chasing the wind I have come to claim, leaving just a world of thanks for those who have been concerned, a word of comfort and exhortation for those who stumble. I would not wish to be tied down to this temporal world, but seek that broken fantasy I find my delight in.

And somehow, I know that the world would continue as it has always. The clock will tick as it has been built to do so. One short of the vast multitude would make no difference.

If I ever do return, it would be of stealth and quietness. I would not be sad over the lack of recognition. (I rather I am not) For it is I who chose the life of the restless wanderer who is eager to find his significance in life. It is I whose chose solitaire, and it is I who is like the wind.

foolish children

2005-10-07T20:39:00.000+08:00

Friday, 7 October 2005 T: 20 08

And so it has come to be that my promotional examination for junior college will end on Monday. Obviously, this is not Monday, but you can’t blame a person for taking a break. Somehow, I feel as if I’m carried through their period of time, alternating between sickliness and craziness, dragged down by that endless and horribly menacing notes, lifted up time and time again by songs and of course Advent Children – the movie of the year I would boldly declare.

I do not think I see a more real animation, with people almost comparable to the actual humans, only that they are too perfect to be true. Everyone looks so pretty, so flawless, even the villains, and of course the heroes. For me, it seems like a world built for me to be absorbed in, drowned in, and I found myself eccentrically crazy over an artificial female character. Perhaps for a precisionist, perfection in Man can only be found in fantasies, never in reality.

It amazes me to see how Man has progressed over time. I was watching Kingdom of Heaven earlier and once more enriched myself in the battles of the past, the rapid, violent, and ugly spillages of bloody, the labour-intensive battling ram and bridges. Yet today, such are replaced by guns and tanks, where lives can go as quickly as they arrive, perhaps faster. Nuclear weapons will steadily replace the arsenals of power-hungry countries, and the ones whose lives are more vulnerable than ever are just the average people walking on the street, trying to make sense of the world he or she is in, attempting just to feed himself and his family. Look at the physicists and the formulae they come up in order to better interpret their surroundings. New things and formulae are discovered each day, perhaps only to the turmoil of students trying to secure a job years later. We have made our lives more comfortable, or have we? Look at the computers which you are now using? Do you realise that the whole complex system is run just by two numbers – 0 and 1? How about the bridges, and the flyovers, meticulously calculated during the building of it to ensure that they will not collapse? Advent children speaks of graphics that would never be dreamt of a decade ago. Yet somehow, has humanity progressed?

Worldwide, poverty still threatens thousands. Another hundred is murdered each day and the murderer goes free. Another 30 children starve to death and probably a lot more suffer from malnourishment. Corruption is evident, perhaps exist in smaller amount than the past. Terrorism flourish, just for the sake of showing its presence, bombing tens each year, and perhaps will never cease to exist. Children and young girls abducted to satisfy the requirements of the global prostitution trade. They are frequently visited by heartless people with the mindset for self-pleasure and self-fulfilment. Governments end up sanctioning gay-marriage and gambling, under the excuse of human freedom and economic competition. Has Man become more humane over time?

I suppose the perfect world that I seek would never come, at least not mundanely speaking, unless there is divine intervention. I suppose my own life is never perfect to start with and will never be, even if history can be ignored. It, like a dirty rag, speaks of disgusting deeds, thoughts and words totally hypocritical to the identity I claim to be.

As I enter the world of competition, I can’t help but look at my notes, my grades, my lamentations about my careless mistakes in the papers, my ceaseless criticism and pointless pursuit of education for a career, and know that all will come to pass someday and fail to exist. All is but a chasing after the wind. Yet the foolish and humanly wise us would still pursue air, for perhaps in the hearts of the foolish, temporal pleasure and happiness would suffice. I took a deep breath and look at the huge stack of bio notes besides me. Though meaningless, I would still be back to the books soon enough, at least after a few glances at Tifa that is, haha.

I’m never sane, am I?

random thoughts

2005-09-20T23:06:00.000+08:00

Tuesday, 20 September 2005 T: 22 41

In a bar, among that multitude, amongst that sleaziness and chaos, two girls stay at a corner, relishing a glass of wine each after a day of work. There, they unwind, chatting, talking about almost all things under the Sun, from guys to sleeping styles. They seem like sisters, forever never running out of things to chat about, to laugh. To them, an hour of girl-talk daily seems never sufficient. There seems so much things to talk about, yet insufficient time to accommodate that.

Across the bar, set another duo, guys. They sat there, occasionally enjoying the comparatively occasionally exchanges of jokes and comments, quiet most of the time though. That empty silence between them seem not so much bothersome, rather giving each time of ample musing and reflection. They never fail to appreciate the quiet company of each other, somehow encouraged, somehow deepen in their friendship by just sitting there together, observing the world around them.

It would be by mere coincidence, or pure luck, that both pairs find their ‘ideal’ partner in one another. And soon, driven by passion, infatuation, or just ‘love’, marriage occurs. There, the beauty and irony of marriage can be seen – the union of two people who can’t make sense of each other’s world. To him, he needs that peace and quiet, and yet to her, he doesn’t seem to be willing to communicate. The girls confide in each other along the years, securing their bonds and friendships. The guys continue to drown their frustrations with drinks, somehow relieved and comforted by each other’s company.

Somehow, the two couples live out the rest of their years in the type of lives they once felt compelled to live, and perhaps till now – family lives. And in this mundane world, each continues to spend his or her life in pursuit of ambitions and dreams. They have children, parents they felt they are called to be. Whether they live out their lives in happiness or not is a ceaseless question to ask.

For me, I would continue to remain at the silent observer, the solitary writer, somehow delighted in the experiences which I have seen, voyeur perhaps it seems, yet appreciating the wonders of the Creation, still caught up in my own world and time. In this transient and earthly world, there lies that distorted and confused truth. Truth seems what it appears to be, only one day can it be fully and clearly defined. Somehow, all is just a dream, part of that reverie that is gradually unfolding. Happiness and sadness are just but illusions, just part of the dream that will come to pass…

the life of the true Christian

2005-09-19T23:38:00.000+08:00

Sunday, 18 September 2005 T: 21 52

Distracted by a loud crash, the bible college lecturer rushed up to assess the situation. Upon reaching his home at the top, he learnt of his son’s fall from the window. Gripped by anxiety and fear, he flew down, to see his son lying on the ground. Hugging him with tears, he whispered a prayer in his heart in a moment.

“Freely, lord, you have given me this child, freely you shall take him away”.

Would I be able to give up the material, earthly treasures in my life? How many of us would, and yet it is expected of us Christians. Would I be able to see my examinations, my career, my qualifications, my house, my computer, my clothes, temporal and insignificant objects which is of no true value when compared to the heavenly rewards stored up for the faithful ones?

I can’t help, as I run in pursuit of the 5Cs, in supplication of my results, how hopelessly sinful, ungodly, foolish and selfish I am? For all these, when compared to God’s huge salvation plan for the world, are just mundane and useless things. Why then is there a need to pray for them. I should rather pray instead for my sins that are washed clean, for others, for revivals, for God to continue his work (not that my prayers will affect his decisions). I should be thankful, be content, satisfied, and even if I am to ask for more, it is for wisdom, for love, for tolerance!

One of wishes in whole life is the idea that the life of Christian can be taken away upon the possession of the faith through grace. Such fortune of course will never come. For the life of a Christian, is not just marked by the good works, by his love for God, but also for evangelising, spreading the good news of salvation, glorifying the One who is sovereign and omniscient. It is no wonder Paul wrote in his letter, “To live is Christ, and to die is gain.” Somehow, ironically, death seems beautiful, the beginning of a new life no longer enslaved by power of sin, of Satan, the flesh, but godly in both the mind and body. I can’t imagine myself not sinning, yet I can’t help but look forward to it, to be with the God who is my Creator yet loves his pathetic, rebellious creation. Yet on the other hand, it is my call to be here on Earth, to spread the news to others, be good ambassadors of Christ, living lives worthy of His name, glorifying the Risen One, be light to the world of darkness, to be His holy people, set apart from the pagans and unbelievers. That should be what that is integral to a Christian’s life.

We must know clearly that though God is unlimited by time, He chooses to work in time, and at last chooses to reveal the mystery more than 2000 years ago. And yet now He is patient, patient with humanity so that more can come to fall under His grace, and as his followers, we must be patient too, continue to persevere in Him, just like Noah and Abraham, knowing very one He will carry out his promises, and there will come a day when we will be finally vindicated.

Perhaps now the ultimate question we must ask ourselves daily is whether we are living holy lives we preach about. We could preach, speak of miracles and wonders about holy living, about righteousness, yet do we practise what we preach??? Will be we able to deny the world, ourselves, for the Cross? We can, with the help of God.

replies

2005-09-07T09:34:00.000+08:00

I know i'm not in the habit of replying to replies, but just want to let you know now that i do appreciate people reading my blogs and actually replying. i'm a person quite fond of arguing and rebuting after all.

you know, for some reason, the guys who replies are all people i do not know.

to bill : thanks for finding my blog interesting, and liking my writing styles. i figured out that i'm too lazy to submit my article else where anyway, but i suppose you can just copy paste my article to that place. i really don't mind. this blog is not copyrighted.

to martin w. : thanks for find my blog nice.

to april: thanks for reading. haha

to fatcat: thanks for you consistent reading of my nonsense. haha. i guess i'm quite cut out for crapping at times, especially regarding relationships, which most are disillusioned about, perhaps even me...

to everworld: light is everyone, even in the darkness of the night, there exists the stars, the moon and the artificial lights. likewise, hope will never be extinguished in our hearts. so we hope and remain firm, that we'll make it, somehow, for pw.

finally, to the others who are reading but never wanting to reveal themselves perhaps due to shyness or laziness, thanks for taking time to read anyway. i've many a complaints that it's too complicated and diffiicult to comprehend from my classmates. haha. i'm not really good in articulating, yupz, so thanks for bearing with me.

Right.

s.c.

p.s. to all who are curious about the identity of her, my answer will be sometimes i don't even know she existed or not. i may wish to tell myself that it's a specific person, and yet on the other hand, not exactly jealous or envious when that person seems to talk more to another guy.

somehow, she's there, and yet she's not, a fickle of my imagination it may has been. A painted image of my reverie and dreams, seemingly beautiful they are and so i write. maybe someday, i'll truly find her, but what difference does it make.

for in my mind, i'm not prepared to take the initiative, and so single i'll probably remain. Perhaps i'll die a lonely man, but with God how lonely i can get?

somewhere somehow somewhat, in that cool blue lighted sky, lies those dreams that will always push me through.

a clue though i may give away, she's never older than me.

katrina

2005-09-06T20:34:00.000+08:00

Monday, 5 September 2005 T: 19 58

Nature has once again unleashed her wrath, this time at a nation who could boast of their economic and military superpower, taunting mercilessly at the country probably way ahead of many others. Yet with all the intelligence, warning systems, the U.S. of A was still thrown into confusion and turmoil. Till now, from the looks of the flooded areas, mayor of New Orleans estimated a death toil not less than 3000, a relatively small percentage compared to the 500 000 citizens housed in the area, with about 80% of them fortunately evacuated before the destruction of the city.

America has probably learned an important lesson today, which is not to underestimate the power of natures, a power that probably the greatest nation cannot control. In the midst of advanced technology and abundant wealth, she is once thought of as an impenetrable fortress. Chaos and disunity arises in the United States of America not because of terrorism, or Osama and his cohort, but nature. To think that America actually thought that their technology can increased more rapidly than the very results of global warming and thus not wishing to participate in the Kyoto Protocol…

Cruelling speaking, at the cost of the lives of hundreds, the disruption of lives of thousands, the devastation of a city, the diaster may have humbled the great nation. Perhaps this is the time when we look up at the heavens, and stand in awe of the weather, of Creation God has put in place…

As we look at the victims desperately scrambling for aid, resorting to looting and violence, even crimes like rape in the midst of the chaos, we can’t compare but compared one of the world’s most developed country to a third world country faced with the same situation. The sinfulness of Man, alas, never fails to show itself in times of pain and suffering…

on relationships again

2005-09-01T21:11:00.000+08:00

Maybe we are all too preoccupied with the temporal and mundane things of this world that we fail to see the greater picture at stake. In all our hopeless and pointless comparisons, we all find importance in that material and physical state of the world, even our relationships. I never get it why girls can beat their boyfriends and seem so happy about it. I never get it why the vice versa happens too. Perhaps in my ideal view, love is a totally patient and others-centred characteristic that is patient, kind, gentle and sweet. Is beating others part of this love too? I can’t help but think that perhaps our relationships today simply too revolve around our own selfishness, not anymore that love which is never hurting, this relationship between 2 self-centred individuals is basically doomed to failure. Then again, the way bgr are now today, with the ostensible purpose of fun and experience, is a depressing sight. BGR seems nothing but an illusion of happiness and completeness, a chasing after the wind. Maybe i can forget the notion of liking someone, not that emotions are for me to control and manipulate, even my own...