achieving immortality

I close your eyes to find myself sitting on the edge of the roof of a 100 storey high building, looking into the tranquil sky at night. I can hear the faint sound of the city traffic from up there. I feel relaxed, away from the noise, the meaningless busyness of life.

Should I fall over? What would stop me from doing so? What would stop you from doing so?

Over the 3 months, I have the pleasure to listen and read the words of two great men. Both were on the verge of dying, while they spoke about the issues of life, except that while Randy Pausch speaks in his Last Lecture to inspire the world to live a meaningful life, Ernest Becker writes about a profound philosophy that only creates despair. But in the end, I have to ask myself, ‘who would die a happier man, or perhaps a more satisfied man?’

In my quest for answers (to questions i’ve written about in my previous post), I found the Denial of Death by Ernest Becker. The book left me in a shroud of darkness that I’ve never really walked out.

Having read it, can i ever choose to be like Pausch with his hopes and optimism? Can I not think their works as just their own form of ‘causa sui’, “an immortality vessel, where something could create meaning or continue to create meaning beyond its own life”Can i not think that Pausch in some way has gone into some unconscious self delusion (a better word would be repression) in regards to his own impending death?

I quote from Becker, “we can understand what seems like an impossible paradox: the ever-present of fear of death in the normal biological functioning of our instinct of self-preservation, as well as our utter obliviousness to this fear in our conscious life.”Through the book, Becker deals with this issue brilliantly.

What is positive thinking? What is positive tones, optimism, all that stuff we were taught to think? Seriously, is it not some kind of self-delusion too? The world wants to hear good stuff about themselves. The world never want to hear about death, the meaninglessness of the life they are actually living. I do think Ernest Becker brought a truth that no one really wants to hear.

In the end, no matter the ambitions, the hopes and the dreams, we are all moving towards a certain reality. Some choose avoidance, escape, not thinking about it, at least not until they are approaching the end. Others cling on to religion, to the idea that there is life under death, to their versions of immortality. After all, throughout history, men have spent lifetimes looking for some elixirs, ways to extend life. When it finally occur to them that it is impossible, they have to use other means, even it means dying.

Ernest Becker inherited most of his ideas from Otto Rank. The latter left behind works that are hard to decipher, to interpret. According to Becker, it is because he found no one to writes it. But i can’t but wonder if he really sees a point in spreading hopelessness to the rest of the world.

Despite that, I am still recommending Becker's works. I believe that truth matters. I believe that we need to understand more about ourselves, about the human condition, and thus in some way be humbled by the sheer smallness of ourselves.

Our mortality

Wednesday, July 22 2009

Is Man’s fanaticism about immortality a product of their fear of death? Is everybody’s nonchalance about the inevitability of death an innate survival mechanism that ensures the existence of their own kind? After all, can one live always in light of one’s death? Consciousness is what that differentiates us from the other species. This ability to reflect, to make decisions not just on past experiences but also predicting the future is what that also let us perceive our imminent and inescapable end. Man’s desire to find purpose might be consequential of that. If so, it makes me wonder is religion, the willing embrace of the existence of the higher powers and beings part of Man’s willing self-delusion in order to find purpose and meaning in response to the knowledge of their own mortality.

I tried to look back on my life and reflect on the things I’ve done – my achievements, my social life, my attitude to work, to life and to friends. There’s always a certain sense of nostalgia, of regret, and even sorrow. Yet at the same time, there is always that harsh reminder that nothing I have done, nothing I have gained counts for anything in the future.

I remember I was fourteen when I came across Ecclesiastes in my bible study. There is something profound about the writer’s acknowledgement of the meaningless of life that struck me, a person who have started to question the purpose of life. As I grew up, it’s always the same harsh reality that claws of me – I could always look back on my own life to reflect, only to look ahead to see they are all so pointless.

Because the end of the road that I’m walking, no matter how I do it, is death. This fact, in face of all that mundane things that I spend already half my life doing (and probably the next half too), renders everything meaningless. How do you have aspirations when it doesn’t mean anything in the end, when you know that people’s memories of yourself isn’t worth crap when you are sixth feet under and even that cannot withstand the test of time, when the merciless hands of the clock sweep you into the back off their minds forever…

For atheists, there’s something horrifying about just disappearing from the world isn’t it? It’s like being deleted into oblivion. One moment you are there, and the next you are not. You don’t exist. You had existed, and now there’s just no you. For Christians or hell, whoever that believe that he or she will go to heaven and be good when he die, life on earth even means lesser isn’t it? Besides, like I always mentioned, there’s something about being sinless that worries me. Are we characterized by our own different degrees and types of selfishness? Isn’t that part of what that makes us different from the person besides us? For people who even believe in reincarnation, hell why worry about karma or whatsoever when you aren’t going to know it in your next life? You don’t even know you’ll remain the believer of the same faith.

When I look at the people around me, the people so hectic and busy with the hustle and bustle of life, the people so eager to climb up the career ladder, the people who plot and connive to be the next rulers and kings of the world, I wonder how thee reconcile this idea of deatht to their world view. (Maybe they just don’t.) When I look at the paranoia about the H1N1 flu, the millions of no ‘this’ and no ‘that’ for the sake of health, the gorging of multi-vitamins and other health supplements, I can’t help but ask what’s the great fuss about prolonging one’s life, or delaying one’s death, that everyone’s so obsessed about?

I have witnessed families of two, a mother and her child, in their seventies and nineties, and wonder if having long life is a road to happiness. I doubt there’s anything satisfying about outliving your son or daughter. There’s nothing to be proud of when you outlive your old friends and make it to the Guinness Book of Record, unless a heart-wrenching loneliness is something to be ecstatic for. I doubt there’s anything fun about living in idleness and physical weakness, with also a fast depleting bank account and mountain-high medical bills and probably 2 feet in the coffin already. The Hokkien call it ‘Tan Si’ or simply waiting to die.

When I was young, I used to believe that I could walk into a burning house to save people. As I grow older, I found out that I fear heights. I would tremble when I try to cross those dangling logs you see in adventure camps. Has my fear of heights anything to do with the fear of death? Do I really dare run into a burning house? Do I dare contemplate my own death? Maybe deep down, though I hate to admit it, I fear death too. Is my reason for living as simple as not wanting to die? Throughout my life, I have seeked purpose and meaning, but until now, I found not much answers and would choose to avoid them. I live from day to day, month to month, I just don’t look too far into the future, to the end everyone’s going as well. In the end, how different am I from the one who never once thought about it, how different am I from the animal who does not know about it?

politics

I never thought that Singapore could have a city night view I can be very well be proud of. When I first look across the dark waters near the Merlion after a long night cycle, relishing the gentle cold breeze brushing past me, I could feel that serenity, in awe at not only the grandeur of the view, but also at what the nation has achieved in less than fifty years. When you look at it, at least when I did, I think you would want to believe that this country is progressing in the right direction, that the people on top to whom you pay your taxes to are doing a good job – their job.

Today, Singapore’s politics is still surrounded by lots of controversies. The state control over the media (be it the press, tv or radio), the questionable fact that power and influence seems to be held by a very small number of people (some say family), the predicaments of government opposers ended in seem to be just a few examples. It is no wonder that people regarded Singapore as a social democracy. The people are not happy. They blame it all at he government, as usual. It doesn’t help when the cost of living is shooting up, and at the same time, in their opinion, the only other thing rising up seems to be the ministers’ wages as well.

I’m not PAP fan, but I would like to think myself as an educated person, although been through education in Singapore but not brainwashed by government propaganda, but be able to discern for myself what is good and what is bad, able to appreciate what there is before me and thus be no complacent. Maybe before we go on and criticize policies, decisions, we need to be able to see that our standard of living is definitely one of the highest. We need to see that we have enjoyed peace for many, many years and have seen little of messy conflicts and violent demonstrations. And finally, we need to be able to see that the talented work for money. We should be sure that in today’s materialistic world, there aren’t many people to work just to serve the nation nowadays. There is always a more selfish agenda. This is reality, though sad, but I think we are all aware of it, beginning even from ourselves.

In a way, I’m an extremist. I’m not a supporter of democracy, because I have simply no confidence in allowing my government to be elected by a majority only concerned about themselves, about just the present, a majority which seems to be unable to see the greater picture, the larger scheme of plans. You look at America’s politics that you see a population more concerned about the candidate’s past and possible dirty linen instead of his abilities and what he has done. You look at Singapore and you see how HDB upgrading seems to work in favor of the ruling party just before the election. You look at Malaysia’s almost violent protests and demonstrations when the government decides to cut fuel subsidies and you would see a people failing to see that the money could be channeled to other areas for better and more efficient economic growth which will in turn affect them. How about the ones who keep harping about the rising ERP, cursing the government for that, requiring a reminder that COE has gone down by 80% from 50k to 10? How certain are we to let voters like that choose our government, and in doing so, dictate our future?

I think for us, as people living in this developed ‘developing country’ or even elsewhere, we need to ask ourselves, ‘Are we too used to excesses that we become incapable of identifying what’s necessity and what’s not?’

I would think the more important problem to date is not really our birth rate (which I don’t think can be solved by the baby bonus and longer maternity leave). I think it’s the growing wealth disparity that seems to be more worrying. I don’t think that’s a topic the Prime Minister would talk about in the National Day Rally either. It is a problem hard to solve since it is inevitable in any capitalist country. Even though there is GST, cash rebates, power credits etc all aiming to balance wealth a little, it won’t really help much. At the same time, the country will not want all the wealthy to emigrate, bringing along their fortunes. Overtaxing them seems unfair when their money is too earned by their own sweat and blood, through their own capabilities. Yet it would be bad if the situation is allowed to deteriorate. I mean, isn’t it hurting to see another family owning more than two cars when you have difficult making ends meet even without one?

These are issues which I found myself thinking about when I listen to the National Day Rally, and I hope you would too, and then take your own stand. Come next election, when I have to vote, I think I’ll still vote in favor of the ruling party. I may not be too happy with the one-party dominance, my controlled TV, but grudgingly I still have to admit, they are still doing their job.

dependents

On the train, I saw a boy walking around. His behavior was abnormal. He kept talking to himself, laughing to himself, walking to window panes and put his face to them (we are by the way still in the tunnel) and gazing out of them. I could not help but stare for a while at him, and then shrank back into my seat. I’m not mocking at him, looking down at his type of people, judging him. It’s just that I realize that maybe it’s just by a very small chance that I’m brought across the line, and I could have very well ended like him.

I started to wonder about his family, about his parents, trying to imagine their concerns, their worries which somehow would never end, if not increase. He will grow up, but how will he grow old? I guess sometimes we could really see the goodness in people when we just look at some parents. It takes courage and love to not abort the child during pregnancy, even more to raise him up, to teach his other siblings as well to love him.

It’s through looking at them I see my pathetic self. I doubt I’ll ever able to be like them. I rather escape, to take as little responsibilities for dependents as possible. The notion of ending up in their circumstance frightens me, and I know I rather want zero probability for that happening.

Yet I could not run away from the inevitable – aging. It’s not too while ago I help one old man carry a wooden board to his block from the refuse of a construction site. He is limping, relying on his crutch. He could not even articulate. I understood him by his gestures. As I walked to the destination, I think my mind is more preoccupied with the possibility of ending up like him than reaching the destination.

I’m not anyone great. I can’t think of what I would do if ever such a time comes. Maybe it’s better to take a step at a time, as I’ve always, and see what happens.

teachers

August 10, 2008

On the bus yesterday, I overheard a conversation between a teacher and a student. (I did not meant to eavesdrop, but a close proximity to them, along with that feeling of boredom, curiosity did not permit me to do otherwise.) Anyway, here we have a teacher genuinely concerned with her student, and hopeful that she’ll be able to a id her student in her studies and in her struggle to balance between academic work and CCA.

It brought me to remind myself that I am where I am probably because of my teachers, teachers who sought to make a difference, even though it means doing the same thing over and over again, only for perhaps that sense of satisfaction and that few expressions of gratitude at the end of the academic year, only to return to another cohort of strangers, to yet another group of pupils with the same apathy, and that doubt in your ability in their eyes. And yet for that girl, the teacher’s words and guidance could probably be what that keeps her going, not giving up, and if she succeeds in life, surely she would not forget her? In the same way, am I forgetting mine? Am I forgetting the past?

Today we still see parents’ anxiety to send their sons and daughters to top, renowned, established institutes, queuing up for days, making ‘donations’. I used to wonder why. Is the curriculum different in different schools? Is the caliber of teachers that different? Maybe, but probably not… It didn’t take me long to realize that school culture and the study environment is what that matters most, especially at the age when we all know peer pressure to be probably the strongest pushing and motivating power.

That said, I wonder if the streaming of students in primary school is nothing more that isolating a condemned bunch and letting them rot together rather that affecting others, rather than all that proclaimed euphemism of letting the slower ones learn at a more comfortable pace.

I cycle around with a group of friends. There was once we came across a toilet with lots of syringes. A friend remarked that they probably belong to the people who are doing drugs, and he’s probably right. It saddens me somehow to know that, especially when realizing that they actually belong to same group of lesser educated people. In my years as a student, I guess I mix around with the same kind/type of people too much to know that the other end of society is still as dark, as hopeless. We would like to call ourselves a developed nation, a country that can boasts of her wealth and standard of living, but maybe this standard of living ought to be only as good as that in lower end of society.

I believe it is education that can help eradicate poverty, and clear the minds of people of senseless and stupid behavior and actions. I believe that it’s in the neighborhood schools where teachers have more important parts to play, to mould the young into people who are able to make wiser decisions, to shine light and teach them not to despair.

On that bus, I think that teacher has taught two people.

Good night, and good luck

Tuesday, July 01, 2008 T: 22 55

This is a quote by Mr Murrows taken from the move ‘Good luck and Good Night’ on television and responsible journalism.

I began by saying that our history will be what we make it. If we go on as we are, history will take its revenge, and retribution will not limp in catching up with us.

Just once in a while let us exalt the importance of ideas and information. Let us dream to the extent of saying that on a given Sunday night the time normally occupied by Ed Sullivan is given over to a clinical survey of the state of American education, and a week or two later the time normally used by Steve Allen is devoted to a thoroughgoing study of American policy in the Middle East.

Would the corporate image of their respective sponsors be damaged?

Would the shareholders rise up in their wrath and complain?

Would anything happen other than a few million people would have received some illumination on subjects that may well determine the future of this country and therefore the future of corporations?

To those who say people wouldn't look; they wouldn't be interested; they're too complacent, indifferent and insulated, I can only reply: There is, in one reporter's opinion, considerable evidence against that contention. But even if they are right, what have they got to lose? Because if they are right, and this instrument is good for nothing but to entertain, amuse and insulate, then the tube is flickering now and we will soon see that the whole struggle is lost. This instrument can teach, it can illuminate; yes, and it can even inspire. But it can do so only to the extent that humans are determined to use it to those ends. Otherwise it is merely wires and lights in a box. Good night, and good luck.

Sometimes it is very comforting to know there’s always a few great people, wise people out there fighting for what is right. I can’t help but always wonder if the majority of people really care about the larger picture other their own short-termed personal gain. When you look at those candidates running for presidency debating each other on TV, and then how polls can change because of a wrong usage of certain word, you wonder if people are simply naïve and gullible by nature.

As a broadcaster, Mr Murrows certainly represent some of the more responsible and aspiring ones. The question if he will be able to reach out to people. We the audience the people sitting in the front of the TV will have to decide if we prefer informative insights to the real world to just pure comedic entertainment.

Which group of people do you belong to?

our right?

Sunday, June 22, 2008 T: 19 22

Watching Jurassic Park reminds me how disgusting Mankind can be. We seem to be the only species that kill for entertainment. We throw animals into enclosure for our own viewing pleasure, denying them freedom and making them lose themselves. What on earth makes a guy throw a cat down from a few storey high just to test if it can survive the fall, if it really has nine lives?

What gives us the right to perform tests on rats and other animals to check if our medicine is safe for us? What gives us the right to neuter animals so that they won’t behave aggressively as pets in our homes? Sadly, it is this simple fact. The fittest survive. That alone gives us sufficient right and authority...